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Back in touch with an old friend who has cancer

6 replies

Imthekingsmummy · 01/05/2022 21:07

What do I say?
I'm not great with words or knowing what's best to say. Or not to say.
We've had a few messages back and forth and been lovely to be back in contact after not seeing each other for around 15 years.
We are speaking on the phone in a few days and we both want to reminisce about the old days together but I want to say I care without saying anything wrong.

Please help me!

OP posts:
TwoBigNoisyBoys · 01/05/2022 21:40

Hi @Imthekingsmummy. I have cancer, and this is one of things I really hate, knowing that people are worried about talking to me, or don’t know what to say to me ☹️ It’s very upsetting, because I’m still TwoBigNoisyBoys.

However, obviously, I do understand that you’re concerned you may say the wrong thing, but really, the only advice I can give you, if you’re worried, is chat as normal about your past etc, but let your friend lead the conversation about their cancer, if they want to. Depending on who I’m taking to, sometimes I want to talk about it in detail, other times I don’t want to discuss it at all. If you let your friend lead, that would be one way of approaching it and you’ll probably find the conversation flows fine, especially if you really listen. As I say they may not want to discuss it at all, (sometimes it’s lively for us to forget and just chat normally for 10 mins!) but they may want to give you blow by blow accounts…everyone is different. I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine, try not to overthink it 😊

The only other thing I’d say, and everyone I know who has, or has had cancer, says the same, is please don’t compare them to others. I really HATE it when people say “Oh I know someone who had that, and they sailed through treatment/they completely recovered/they were fine having chemo” etc etc. It’s not helpful at all, and it’s actually really annoying to hear - no two cancer ‘journeys’ are the same, and it can be wearisome to hear about others who got through it no bother!

Hope you have a lovely catch up with your friend 😊

Madeintowerhamlets · 01/05/2022 21:47

Absolutely what @TwoBigNoisyBoys said. I have cancer too & would add that for me the worst thing is when people go silent because they don’t know what to say. It’s better to say something clumsy than nothing imo. Also being given advice about supplements, going on a keto diet etc. Just not helpful & can feel like being blamed. The fact that you are asking on here shows what a sensitive person you are & I’m sure she’ll really appreciate your friendship.

Imthekingsmummy · 01/05/2022 21:48

Thanks so much for replying! Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hope you are doing ok

Yes I definitely won't be comparing, I know that's just not on and insensitive.

Hope we do have a lovely catch up, I feel so guilty for letting things slip for so long.

OP posts:
Imthekingsmummy · 01/05/2022 21:50

@Madeintowerhamlets ❤️ Lovely words thank you. Hope you are doing ok too.

I can be clumsy with my words then I'll go over what I've said and overthink things and beat myself up about something 🙈

OP posts:
Madeintowerhamlets · 01/05/2022 22:06

Thanks @Imthekingsmummy. I think we can all be clumsy with our words at times. I really don’t hold it against people if they’re a bit awkward or clumsy as it’s such a tricky area to navigate. But as @TwoBigNoisyBoys said you can follow her lead & just chat as your normally would. Sometimes I just want to forget I have cancer & other times I want to vent a bit about it. I hope you have a good phone catch up!

thereisonlyoneofme · 02/05/2022 10:23

I also have cancer. I avoid my sister in laws phone calls because she always starts by saying, I expect youve had a terrible easter/birthday/holiday you must be feeling awful. I wasnt until she phoned ! I have very good friends who know all about my treatment etc, and some that I just tend to say Im feeling Ok at the moment and leave it at that. Be led by your friend

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