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Original poster

Work - horrible co worker (advice needed)

47 replies

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 09:16

I have worked for nearly a year with her. She echoes my accent in a tone that is mocking. She is an anti vaxxer and is very vocal and opinionated.

She messages me at midnight with shit about current stuff from her social media feed (currently it's trans issues or Ukraine's bleeding the country)

She's really difficult as she says the world is too woke. What shite that is. She begrudges nice things. A lady at work married and she rolled her eyes and didn't want to look at the photos. I have blocked her from my what's app and phone and Facebook.

I will unblock her in the working day only (I am changing work in June so it's not long)

I don't know how to engage with her as she's making me angry. She never married and I know she's bitter about her life. She has a wierd hobby we all have to fawn over (totally boring but you need to keep her sweet or she's moody)

Help for how to not engage in her rants. I can wear headphones 🎧 she's very in your face. Management know about her. They don't deal with this stuff as the whole organisation is toxic. I can't leave but I've asked for a move. So it's a few weeks.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2022 16:16

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 09:37

That's an excellent way to stop her.

I don't agree with you and I don't want to discuss it. I know several others have said to her they don't want opinions shoved down their throat.

She's rude and begrudging. When she knows she's gone too far you get the 'oh I'm hormonal today or past history is brought up (partner took his life).

But I've been too sympathetic

She's not all bad. She works. She now takes her breaks at my desk so I feel she's on too of me. I may have a lot of photocopying to do 😔

Why does she take her breaks at your desk?!

growinggreyer · 01/05/2022 16:17

It doesn't matter why she is in her role or what her back story is. You want her to meet minimum standards of being polite to co-workers. So look through your staff documentation and find what it says. You must have a respect at work policy or something similar. Make her aware of it and point out - 'oh Sandra, when you say that it could be seen as not meeting this standard.' It might clip her wings.

the80sweregreat · 01/05/2022 16:20

I'd keep a diary of some kind about her behavior and report her ( if you can)
She sounds dreadful

PeaceLurking9to5 · 01/05/2022 16:21

Whooshaagh · 01/05/2022 09:39

You need to be personal imo.
Next time she mocks your accent tell her it was your beautiful voice that attracted your dp, what attracted yours, oh you haven't got anyone have you?
Atm you're allowing her to bully you.

Don't keep her sweet, if she's boring you then yawn loudly.
If she complains deny, deny, deny!

Wow, sympathies with the op, but being single is not being The Loser in a competition with a woman who has a partner. Wow.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 01/05/2022 16:24

LetitiaLeghorn · 01/05/2022 16:14

She never married and I know she's bitter about her life.

Yes, it must be devastating not having a husband. 🙄

Yeh, what a remark! Im not married. I feel sorry for people who are this stuck in the past that they pity a woman for not being married.

catstale · 01/05/2022 16:28

LetitiaLeghorn · 01/05/2022 16:14

She never married and I know she's bitter about her life.

Yes, it must be devastating not having a husband. 🙄

This. What has the fact she never married got to do with anything?

You sound quite pathetic tbh.

dottiedodah · 01/05/2022 16:36

If you are senior to her then surely you can put her in her place? I am not good at confrontation either ,but if she is junior then I dont know why this has been going on so long TBH.She sounds toxic and rude

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 17:06

Believe me the married thing is relevant. I don't want to go into it. She often says she spent her life on her own due to sad circumstances. Don't twist what I wrote. All in context.. I couldn't give a damn about marriage or long term partners (same thing imo)

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 17:08

Pathetic. Easy to write that from behind a screen. Are you perfect ... Lol cat you sound just like her.

OP posts:

stripeyflowers · 01/05/2022 17:09

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 09:38

I have a London accent but well spoken. She has a country accent. I'm master's degree education but I dumb down at times due to rolling eyes.

Is that a joke? Masters so you have to dumb down?

TokyoTen · 01/05/2022 17:20

I think to handle this in the correct way you should log every issue with HR in written form, meet with them and discuss so keep a log of issues/date/time/place/who was present. You should then keep HR updated, again in writing, on further developments. However, it'll be a long drawn out process, it'll be ineffective. Remember - HR is not there for your, HR is there to protect the company so that is all they will worry about.

I would deal with this in one of two ways (1) find another job and resign and tell them you've left because your co-worker made your life intolerable which is how it sounds to me or (2) get some strong boundaries in place and do not let her get away with anything. Block her on all social media and whatspp (they are not business tools), tell her nicely that you are busy and she can no longer take breaks at your desk, if she starts being nasty shut her down firmly and hard. You say you are worried that word will get round you are nasty but everyone else must experience/see this too. If she says it's "just for the craic" tell her "you may think it's a craic, but for me it isn't, I don't wish to talk about it" and move away of if she is at your desk ask her to move so you can continue to work.. Stock to work only topics of conversation. Do not enage about anything else. Remain calm, don't raise your voice, but do have a ton of confidence and be very firm.

From experience twice before over working 40 years she is probably a bully and if you go in hard she'll back right off. If she doesn't you've lost nothing because it sounds intolerably anyway and you need to think of a plan b which is work elsewhere.

catstale · 01/05/2022 17:27

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 17:08

Pathetic. Easy to write that from behind a screen. Are you perfect ... Lol cat you sound just like her.

No I'm not but I don't look down on others for lack of husband/ well spoken accent/ degree either.

I reckon you're the problem here.

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 17:29

Thank You Tokyo yes I do need to look around for work. I am sorry I write dumbed down. I probably should have said she hasn't the skill set or professional skills that she would have had if trained. So I apologise for my phrasing there. I do have to break things down and explain basic facts as she is bossy and eye rolls.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 17:30

Wrote. Ignoring you there catstake. I think we can see what the problem is here and I've got a nerve. I don't want to engage with you as you.

OP posts:

stripeyflowers · 01/05/2022 17:35

jackstini · 01/05/2022 09:31

Tell her straight:

Do not mock my accent, it's very rude
Well I don't agree with you on that issue
I don't want to discuss that topic thank you

You should also put it all in writing to HR. I know you say management don't do anything but if everyone she is being inappropriate with reports it, they may have to

Get a countdown on your phone to when you are to be rid of her!

I would take this approach if I was in your situation now but I'm not sure I could have been so direct when I was younger. Whatever you do I would definitely tell your manager, in writing, so that they are aware of what is happening. Don't suffer in silence.

PenelopeLively · 01/05/2022 17:42

I think it’s really quite shit that op is on here describing bullying behaviours and we have posters trying to rile her up.

@Hoolahulahoop ive been in this situation although I wasn’t senior and it started quite subtle mocking my ways and eye rolling but escalated to all sorts such as spouting really horrible racist views and breaking things in the workplace. It really puts you in a fight or flight mode and you end up thinking everyone is on the attack. I can see it in your posts as I was there, I can see it’s affected you. Is your line manager supportive? Mine wasn’t and it was truly horrible and she was bullying me too. I hope you’re ok. Just know people like this act like this in every department/workplace. The person I worked with had.

Irridescantshimmmer · 01/05/2022 18:10

It must be an absolute nightmare working with people like the colleague you mentioned.

I used to work with someone who was an absolute pain in the nether regions, throwing hissy fits left right and centre. He relocated to a different country and had a melt down over there. A melt down not unlike the melt downs he had in the UK. His new managers would not, under any circumstances tolerate him throwing his weight about and having tantrums.

I heard they gave him a verbal warning, and an extremely serious reprimand in front of his new colleagues.

To be honest, it is tremendously satisfying to know that what people send out, really does come back.

Hope this helps.

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 18:10

Thanks so much Penelope. Yes my management is a person who doesn't judge and quietly sorts things out. Moving staff around etc. The problem is the type of staff we have are more direct / vocal and do not take subtle hints (eg. staff notices spelling out how conduct has been broken - some staff would be quite arrogant and not realise it applies to them and good staff get upset as they don't understand what they have done wrong )

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoolahulahoop · 01/05/2022 18:11

My management team leader

OP posts:

PenelopeLively · 01/05/2022 18:19

I think make a log of events and dates on your phone that she can’t see in case it ever escalated. That’s what I did although I didn’t have a supportive line manager and she left in the end.

I would ask for support in how to handle it which places a marker down in case she gets worse. Look up grey rock technique which is what I had to use with awful bully mentioned above to get through it until I had a plan. I hope you’re okay, try not to get tangled up in knots about her. She sounds a lot like the person I worked with and how she began with me and later I found out that she had a long laundry list of this behaviour in other departments, I still can’t believe she was recruited after it all into our dept.

Look after yourself though as no role is worth mental health through abuse/bullying. I think if you have support you’ll be okay but I didn’t do it just escalated.

PenelopeLively · 01/05/2022 18:19

*so it not do it sorry

PenelopeLively · 01/05/2022 18:34

Sorry op I can see you said management won’t do anything. I think this is the case in a lot of places and from the side down the line (me) don’t stay if you have no support as it will get worse and you feel really bad about yourself. Why on earth is she messaging you at midnight? This is the same behaviour I experienced - boundary crossing. The person that bullied me would bombard me with texts when off ill and threatening me. She also used information about something private to bully me (counselling for anxiety) as my line manager told her about it! Unbelievably toxic.

Keep posting here if needs be over the next few weeks.

Look up grey rock. Know it happens all over and don’t internalise any of her weird creepy behaviour.

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