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Original poster

Considering running away

70 replies

tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:06

I can’t do this anymore, full time caring for mum, she’s very, very confused tonight, she doesn’t believe she’s at home - she is - , she wants her mum, she thinks her mum is dead, I took her to see her mum who is alive and well, then she told me her mum is an imposter .

she’s going into hospital on Wed . OOH GP said they’re going to drop valium in the door so she can sleep . I’m currently lying on top of her bed telling her every 3 minutes that we are at home and that I’m her daughter . She is absolutely petrified . I slept 90 minutes last night . This has been going on 8 hours - she’s been pacing back and forth for 8 hours .

GP said this could get worse, and worse, and worse - it might get better depending on cause but there are many causes and many of them are things (dementias) that will only get worse . Frontal lobe is shrinking .

I can’t .

I keep thinking about running away tonight, I’ve spoken to 111 who said a CPN will call me back but I’m desperate, I need another adult in the house with me . What do I do? I’ve got a 24 hour emergency number for mum’s care at home, do I phone them?

OP posts:
NrlySp · 30/04/2022 22:08

Yes you call them. You say you can’t cope. You insist on help. This is an emergency.

Original poster
tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:08

If I walk away for a few hours , call someone to make it safe, will they take her away from me/ban from seeing her?

OP posts:
JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 22:09

Oh gosh I didn’t want to read and run. Sounds incredibly hard. Please ring the number and don’t stop until something is sorted and put in place. You can’t manage her needs at home any longer surely? You are at breaking point.

Ring the number now.

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General health
Catzpyjamas · 30/04/2022 22:10

Yes, phone them. You need help with your mum now if it's available.
This sounds so very hard Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 30/04/2022 22:11

They won’t stop you seeing her at all. Please phone the number and tell them you are desperate.

stealmysun · 30/04/2022 22:11

JollyWilloughby · 30/04/2022 22:09

Oh gosh I didn’t want to read and run. Sounds incredibly hard. Please ring the number and don’t stop until something is sorted and put in place. You can’t manage her needs at home any longer surely? You are at breaking point.

Ring the number now.

They want me to put her in a care home (family and professionals) but I’m scared I shouldn’t, in case she could get better still, but if I put her in a care home I’m preventing that happening .

I’ll give them a phoen and see what they say, I’m desperate .

CherrySocks · 30/04/2022 22:17

Being in a care home won't prevent her getting better.

Original poster
tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:19

Name change isn’t working, I don’t know, I’m scared of putting her in a home because once I’ve done that I can’t take it back .

I don’t have much of a life other than doing this, caring for mum, she’s my best friend .

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 30/04/2022 22:20

stealmysun · 30/04/2022 22:11

They want me to put her in a care home (family and professionals) but I’m scared I shouldn’t, in case she could get better still, but if I put her in a care home I’m preventing that happening .

I’ll give them a phoen and see what they say, I’m desperate .

Show quote history

You're preventing nothing. Please don't worry about that. You need help, and that's totally ok.

DenholmElliot · 30/04/2022 22:22

@tomissmymum It sounds incredibly stressful. I'm here if you want to talk for a while. I'm currently doing a waking night shift for a lady who wakes up all night with anxiety so I know a bit about how you feel although I appreciate being paid for doing it is different.

Can you tell us a bit more about things? How long has your mum been like this.

MakingProgress2022 · 30/04/2022 22:22

You need help. You can’t do this alone.

they won’t stop you seeing her. But you must call the number and insist on help.

DenholmElliot · 30/04/2022 22:23

You need respite. Your mum could go into a home for 2 weeks just to give you some respite, then it's possible that SS will give you a weeks respite every month. Have you got a social worker?

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 22:27

I don’t know about care arrangements but I’m quite sure needing a break won’t result in you being banned from seeing her. Only snapping and hurting her could possibly have that result. Call whoever you need to call. 💐

In terms of the repetition of “I’m your daughter” etc, can you just change the narrative and see if something else distracts her or calms her? Try something diversionary like “Don’t worry about it now. Let’s have a cosy sleepover and a hot chocolate with biscuits and tomorrow we will do X”? Or something circuit-breaking and factual like “I’m Alison. You’re Mary. Your Mum is at bingo. Let’s watch this comedy”? Or even something off the wall and wacky? (Used to work with toddlers and might save your sanity). Just try anything other than the repetition while you wait for reinforcements. It doesn’t sound like it’s helping her anyway and it will make you feel worse.

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 22:30

Another idea; if she has any concentration span at all can you find cartoons or pop music from her childhood on YouTube? If she’s asking about her mum, maybe something from when she was young that is immersive will make her feel safe for a few minutes at a time?

Original poster
tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:31

@DenholmElliot thank you, she’s only 57, she’s been not right for about four years but this is significantly worse than usual . Behavioural things like she boards stuff, compulsively eats, cant dress herself or make a meal . I just want my mum back . I’m desperate for my mum to come back to normal . She’s distressed and scared most of the day and can’t talk to me properly anymore, I’ve never felt so scared and alone .

OOH GP car has just dropped me off 6 2mg diazepam to see if that settles her . I’ve given her one to see if she sleeps .

They said they weren’t doing respite at all because of covid, it wasn’t an option apparently, social work are coming round but not til the 10th .

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 30/04/2022 22:37

If the 24 hour care thing can't send someone, you might need to call 999 for an ambulance.

WhatNowwwww · 30/04/2022 22:38

I agree you should ring the care at home team tonight. Then tomorrow I think I’d try Adult Social Services and Age UK. Probably Age UK first in case they can guide you on what language to use with Social Services.
It sounds incredibly hard OP and no one will be surprised that you need a break. That’s what your Mum needs as well, for you to be well rested and able to then carry on supporting her. If you don’t look after yourself you’ll be no use to her.

Sortilege · 30/04/2022 22:39

2mg is a placebo dose. Body weight also affects dosage. Did GP say one at a time?

Have you considered that if she was in residential care she could still visit with you at weekends, and that might be a better balance?

NetflixAddict · 30/04/2022 22:40

I didn't want to read and run. I hope she and you manage to sleep. I don't have much advice but I did want to reassure you that if you did call the number it will be okay. This is why the number is there.

As for putting her in care, I know it's so, so difficult but it doesn't mean it's the end of things. Just a different way of being. You can still see her every day if you want to, but it will mean that there's other people there to share the hard times with. It means you can go home and not worry as much for a few hours everyday because you'll know someone else, and a professional at that, will be there for her until you are again.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs. It's so difficult. Please look after yourself, you can't pour from an empty cup.

RunningRainbow · 30/04/2022 22:41

My dad has dementia He sectioned last year, he was trying to do things which were dangerous. He's actually improved in the hospital - the social aspect has called down a lot of his outbursts. His distress is reduced. He was never even slightly sociable before.

You know dementia is irreversible. She isn't going to get better, and you need support. My mum didn't want him to go to a home but she couldn't cope with him and her life was totally dominated by his rage and outbursts. She understands now that care homes play a role.

It's watching someone disappear in front of you. It's a living grief. Everyone says it's hard, and it bloody is and I'm so sorry. I can't think about it for very long. I just try to show my love for him in every way I can.

But yes, you get help

Original poster
tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:43

They’re sending a couple of carers out to see if they can settle mum, if not they said they’ll ring the doctor again, they should be here within the hour .

Re music, that has helped before, same with old vhs cassettes of family and sometimes photos, sometimes that gets her talking a bit more easily .

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 30/04/2022 22:44

Its good that she's got some medication that helps her sleep. Don't be afraid to give the maximum dose the GP said she can have. You will feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep and able to think more clearly.

Your mum is the same age as me. Has she not had a diagnosis for her illness? Why can't she dress or feed herself? is it a physical thing? Why is she going into hospital on Wednesday? Will that mean that you will get a break then? The 10th will soon be here - really really push for respite from SS.

Lots of questions I know but I just wanted to try and build a picture so i can make a few suggestions.

I'm guessing you get public funding for the care and they won't fund a live in carer but if you pay for your own care you can have what you want.

Hows it going with the diazepam?

RunningRainbow · 30/04/2022 22:47

Early onset dementia is cruel, so very cruel and I'm so sorry.

I didn't see that before I posted but I'm not sure I would change my advice. I'm so sorry.

And you need help and support too. Someone to listen to you, someone to talk to.

Original poster
tomissmymum · 30/04/2022 22:53

DenholmElliot · 30/04/2022 22:44

Its good that she's got some medication that helps her sleep. Don't be afraid to give the maximum dose the GP said she can have. You will feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep and able to think more clearly.

Your mum is the same age as me. Has she not had a diagnosis for her illness? Why can't she dress or feed herself? is it a physical thing? Why is she going into hospital on Wednesday? Will that mean that you will get a break then? The 10th will soon be here - really really push for respite from SS.

Lots of questions I know but I just wanted to try and build a picture so i can make a few suggestions.

I'm guessing you get public funding for the care and they won't fund a live in carer but if you pay for your own care you can have what you want.

Hows it going with the diazepam?

She’s slightly calmer than she was, she’s lying a bit more still .

It’s confusion, she doesn’t seem to understand what clothes are and how to use them anymore . She doesn’t do it in the right order etc .

hospital is because consultants are wanting to do further tests to find out why all this is happening, if it’s treatable or if it’s a dementia. No diagnosis yet, she’s been back and forth to hospital for a couple of years and they’ve been very unsure what’s actually going on . Thought for ages it was mental health .

yes we get public funding, mum’s on benefits and I’m a student so can’t afford any better at all .

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 30/04/2022 23:05

You're doing a great job - hope that doesnt sound patronising.

I probably shouldn't say this but when she's in hospital on wednesday you could refuse to have her back home with you unless they put some respite in place.