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Original poster

People who you thought were close friends

15 replies

Morechocmorechoc · 30/04/2022 18:57

Is it not possible to stay close friends when you have a little distance and are in different places in life?

I have kids and have issues with one so haven't slept in a few years and haven't been able to have an evening out at all until very recently. I thought I was close friends with someone I've known for years, but just found out she's on a hen do without me and I wasn't invited to her wedding, albeit it small and with only family and close friends.

I didnt realise when you're in different places in life it meant you were not longer close friends. It just makes me a little sad. Similar happened to my husband. Its like since we have to change our life style for our kid nobody can be bothered with us now.

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 30/04/2022 19:04

My DH has managed to stay best friends with the same man since they were 11. They are hours apart but their friendship is actually amazing. We are now very close with their family and our children are close despite only seeing each other a few times a year.

Unfortunately despite trying I have not achieved the same with a much smaller distance.

It's sucks

Original poster

Morechocmorechoc · 30/04/2022 19:07

Thanks for your reply. It really does suck, sorry it happened to you too. Guess it's worse when you didn't even realise it. Why do you think it is? Do people just not understand? Your DH is very lucky.

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 30/04/2022 19:40

Honestly in my case my friend seems to have developed better friendships in her adult/work life
I am not in any way biter I think its absolutly fine for her. Of course you prioritise those who you form closer relationships with.
Factor in work (she has a brilliant and very demanding job) and family plus just life our friendship just didn't make the cut.

She managed to form friendships in those areas and I have not.

I am lucky my husband comes pre packaged with an incredible friend I genuinely adore him, his wife, kids his family and inlaws they are all from the same small town and my husband was basically introduced as his brother so we have been wholly embraced. And then there me. Billy no mates :D my youngest is 2 but I have told myself that when she's older I really must find a friend

Kite22 · 30/04/2022 20:04

Many, many friendships are 'of a time' or 'of a situation'.

It doesn't mean you have to fall out when things change, but often that friendship takes a back seat - that is only natural when you can't see someone regularly through circumstance.
Some of those friends then do drift, and others you just pick up again when you next see them.
Others, you start seeing again when circumstances change again.

We've started renewing friendships with the folk we used to hang out with in our teens and 20s and then have seen very little of for 15 years as having babies / young families, combined with pressures of work, moving, some studying, supporting your dc, etc. It's lovely. We weren't able to spend much time together for a decade or 15 years, but the friendships were strong, so we now see each other again in the next stage of our lives.

MargaretThursday · 30/04/2022 20:20

The person I would describe as my best friend moved away. I see her 2-3 times a year and it's as though we've never been apart. We can sit in silence and feel comfortable or chat, or do things together.
We'll sometimes go months without messaging, and then do a lot over a few days.

If she got married with a big wedding, yes I'd be hurt, but a small wedding, no. For a small wedding I'd expect her to invite family and people who live nearer. I'd rather catch up with her afterwards when she can tell me about it and we can have time together.
Anyway I'd know she had a good reason because she's that sort and I know her well enough to trust her judgement.

SweetAnnieRich · 30/04/2022 20:25

‘Friends for a season…
Friends for a reason…
Friends for life’

Not all last the distance and sometimes a friendship can just run dry.

drpet49 · 30/04/2022 20:28

A small wedding is fine but why couldn’t she have invited you to the hen party??? I would be hurt

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/04/2022 20:31

But have you been talking regularly, OP? Did you ask her about her wedding plans and hen night? I am not sure how this could come as a surprise unless you have been quite distant.

Friendships thrive on regular contact, which takes effort from both parties. If you haven't been available to go out for a few years...what was your friend supposed to do? And it's not about having kids or being at a different stage of life. You can work to maintain friendships or you can let them slide, with or without children.

orangeisthenewpuce · 30/04/2022 20:52

Ive got good friends I was at school with, and am still friends I met with people I met in my late teens. 40 plus years later, despite having different lives and some living far away we're still friends and stay in touch and meet up when we can. Some had children, some didn't, some stayed single but even if we didn't meet up for years we stayed in touch. It takes effort on both sides.

Original poster

Morechocmorechoc · 30/04/2022 21:04

Yes we talk and text regularly. She was my bridesmaid and I thought we were still close even though I only got to meet her for coffee rather than the old nights out.

There we go. As you all say, some friendships last the test of time and some don't. Thinking back She wasn't there for me for a couole of major life events actually and I was when it was the other way around. Never mind.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 30/04/2022 21:16

I have a friend I met through a baby related activity that I thought was a real genuine friend.
what I’ve come to realise over the last couple of years is that I’m more of a ‘mum friend’ to her.

she comes along to things I invite her to but she never arranges things for us to meet up and I don’t hear from her if I don’t get in touch.
it REALLY hurt me when I realised this but I’ve learnt to step back and emotionally distance myself.

7eleven · 30/04/2022 21:21

Is it possible she assumed you wouldn’t be able to come, so didn’t talk about it so as not to upset you?

tokyotea · 30/04/2022 21:23

I've been through this recently and I feel quite sad about it but just have to accept that it's the way it is sometimes. Had a really close friend and we had a lot of fun together. She's one of those extrovert sunshine types that everyone wants to be friends with and has all these small little groups of friends from all her travels and experiences. She's perpetually single though and sad about it. Once I got married I felt a little distance from her but since I've had DC she may aswell not exist anymore. I've tried to send messages but it's just bare minimum convo every 6 months or so. I think in part it's that she feels she can't relate to me anymore perhaps. I will just have to accept we're in different phases of life and sometimes that's ok.

gianaInfertilitySucks · 30/04/2022 21:40

yes, I think you're friends if you love each other, and can talk openly

Lovinglife45 · 30/04/2022 22:46

There are different levels of friendship. Some exist only for convenience; work, hobby, mutual friends. Once the common denominator is no more, it usually fizzles out.

There was a time in my life where I was happy to 'carry' friendships, partly because of low self esteem and because I wanted my dc to have a range of playdates. I have since stopped being the instigator and of course I no longer hear from several people.

I think there are those who are happy to give you a few hours of their time here and there but only if you are making all the effort and they simply have to turn up. They do not value your friendship/enjoy your company enough to instigate a meet up.

Knowing where you stand with others is important.

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