Do I really want a baby, or is it just hormones??

[BemusedBrenda]

I've never wanted children, and when I got together with my partner around 7 years ago we both agreed that children were not on the cards for us. But over the last year or so I've found myself thinking about babies a lot. Dreaming and daydreaming of babies and raising a family. Enjoying spending time with the children of family members in a way I never have before and even thinking, if this was my baby I would do x y and z. I'm 33. I really think I might want a baby.

What I want to know is, is this just hormones? Is it just chemical signals trying to get me to fulfil my biological purpose and if I ignore the feeling it will eventually go away? In my head, all the practical reasons why I never wanted children are still there. I'm very clear that my life will be easier, and wealthier, and more free and relaxed if I don't have a child. But at the same time these feelings are strong and I'm really confused. Has anyone out there been through this and got through to the other side and realised it was just hormones?

This is so interesting so I'm following

I am following as in the same position. I have one child already and there are about 100 reasons why I really shouldn't have another. But the hormonal urge is insane.

This is all a bit metaphysical! You pretty much ARE your hormones, aren't you (plus a load of other chemicals trundling around your brain)?

@LauraNicolaides I guess that's true! I suppose my real question is, is my body tricking me into having a baby by pumping me full of hormones and then once it arrives I'll think "shit, why did I do that?" Objectively it seems like such a bad idea. But then I smell a baby's head and I want one.

@redheadmary and @Squealier I'm kind of happy to see I'm not alone in this!

Children is your responsibility. You can't return them once you had them, just because the life is more difficult. But it is a joy too.

I really couldn't imagine having a child myself. My dh was the same. But when I felt my clock ticking, I thought about it, and decided to have a baby. Because once the time came and it's too late, it's no way to return to the past and change it. But at the same time, I did think it thorough, the life will be totally different. No more carefree times. And I thought I can do it.

I had a child. But it wasn't easy. Took 3 years of fertility treatment. He is a hard work, he has lots of health problems. So my life has changed, completely. Do I regret having him? Not one bit. I had him when I was ready. I had him because I really wanted him. He gave me/giving me so much joy.

I had this in my early 30s. The drive to have a child was insanely strong - hormones are scarily powerful. It did eventually subside and go away

i wasnt interested in the slighest then 35 ...? Hmmm maybe...?
had DC when i was 38.
its ok to follow your body ( and soul!) if youre heads saying " really? Brenda?"
absolutely no regrets apart from wishing id done it sooner!

That's really interesting @Purplecatshopaholic that it did subside for you. How long did it last?

Who knows? By default I’m sure most humans have a biological drive to reproduce to keep us going. I’m sure hormones play a big part in that.

Only you can decide whether to have a child. Life will never be the same again etc and it is hard. I found it especially hard to adjust initially having had children in my 30s and essentially being able to live however I wanted prior to that, only thinking about the needs of myself and my husband! Bliss!

I wouldn’t change a thing though, I love dc SO much every hard moment is worth it and there’s so much happiness and contentment that can come from family life with your own little ones!

Since you are broody I’d say you should go for it.

I am pretty sure “really wanting” versus “just hormones” is a false binary.

It amazes me (or maybe it doesn’t but it’s striking) how many women lose interest in further relationships post-menopause. A lot of what we do is hormonally driven. It’s really hard to untangle the strands and decide what you’ll be happy with long term, I think. We are all creatures of evolution.

@Sortilege I don't understand your post I don't think.

I have head and heart conflict. In my heart (hormones) I want tons of fluffy babies, to breastfeed for years etc. but with my head I know that more children will make every area of my life worse for about 5 years or longer.

So for me it really is a binary situation.

My body wants to be pregnant but my brain doesn't.

Also what was the relationships point? I'm not being snarky, I am interested as I don't think I am far off menopause.

When I was 33 I spent the entire year feeling insanely broody. I'm now 34 and definitely do not want another child. It is funny how you are also 33 and broody.

I went through a stage of this in my early 30s too. I already had DC though.
It was this mad crazy broodiness for 8 months straight it was all I could think about was about to have my implant out to try for another and one day I woke up and thought about all the cons and pros and got over it instantly. Never been broody since. I think it's a hormonal thing.

IME subsequent children are more of an intellectual decision but first children - whether to have any at all - I’d a bit of a mixture.

I think a lot of the impetus to partner up, to nest, to breed, and to nurture is evolutionary and a big part of that is hormones.

Which isn’t to say you should only partner up to breed, but I don’t think we acknowledge how much of what we do from ages 15-45 isn’t just “head” IYSWIM.

Ive got to an age now where some of my friends are menopausal and the sudden onset of “couldn’t care less” is quite noticeable.

There is no sensible reason to have babies. None that I can think of anyway, it does make life much more complicated and its a fair old responsibility. The anxiety, stress and cost and limitations that come with children, its a big deal. I think if someones not that bothered about having kids then no way should they be encouraged into it.
That said, in my experience When broodiness does hit, it can be quite a primal thing. Of course your hormones will be trying to make you soften to the idea. Theres so many lovely things about having children too. Its like an extra layer of meaning to your life, in the same way that being in a relationship adds a layer of meaning. A special relationship and getting to know this cool little person that you just love so much and who loves and needs you (hopefully thats at least the goal)and help them grow into a functioning adult. It can be enriching. Depends how you look at it.
Are you in any hurry to decide?

It's interesting to see quite a few people have experienced the same in their early 30s. Kind of reassuring! Also a bit scary that it's such a strong, primal drive. For me at least it came out of nowhere, I never thought I would consider having a child. As I said, my partner and I agreed not to have children and I doubt he would change his mind just because I've got babies on the brain all of a sudden. Somehow I don't think men experience quite the same urge!

Literally everyone I knew that said in their twenties that they didn't want children, went on to have children.

Lots of people change their mind in their thirties. It's just the way it goes.

I think I went through intense feelings of wanting a baby NOW for at least a year @BemusedBrenda. It was a monthly thing that lasted a few days each month, then went away until the next month. It was a real shock for me at the time, and I hated the feeling of being at the mercy of my hormones - like my heart overruled my head, and common sense went out the window for days at a time every month. It did subside completely and my then husband and I did not have kids in the end which I am not sorry about.

I didn't think I wanted DC in my 20s. Just wasn't fussed with the idea of it at all.

Turned 30 and it came out of no where! I even tried to persuade dh to put our wedding off so we could start TTC immediately.

Thankfully he could see that made no sense 😂

I had dd1 at 33

We didn't want kids through our entire 20s and early 30s. Then at about 33 DH and I suddenly decided it might be nice to potentially have one. We were moving house anyway, so made sure we moved into a house that would be appropriate. I came off the pill, started taking pregnancy vitamins and would do things like sit in the spare room and imagine it as a nursery, and go to Waterstones and browse children's books. I was properly broody and really excited about it. This contined for a few months.
One of the reasons we fancied the idea of being parents at that point was because our really good friends had a baby and everything looked so lovely and fun, and they seemed so in love. Then out of the blue, when their baby was about 2, they split up (and are now divorced).
It made us think (whether it's true or not): "Well having a baby can't have been that great then, can it"? amd we took a pause on our baby plans for a while.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that we immediately completely forgot about the baby thing. We just clicked straight back into our normal lives, I went back onto the pill, and we didn't have a conversation about it again for a couple of years. As the years went by, we kept thinking - we're very happy without kids, do we really want to risk what we have when nothing really feels like it's 'missing'.
I'm now 38 and DH is 40 and we've moved to a beautiful little market town in a national park and don't have kids. Our weekends are spent hiking, cycling, wild camping, trail running and we've got lots of friends - and it's very fulfilling.
I'm still very open to having a baby IF ever we wanted one, but I think it's likely that we won't (and I'm getting older).
Because we've moved to somewhere a little bit out of the way, I actually think it would be logistically pretty tricky to have a baby now. I have an hour commute to work, DH works some irregular hours, and we don't have family nearby to help us out. We'd have to use full time nursery and wrap around care and summer clubs, and there would be enormous amounts of expense and rushing around for YEARS - versus our current relaxed lifestyle - and that just doesn't appeal to me at all.
So yes, I've come out the other side. What always makes me smile is when people say a flippant "oh they just don't want kids" about us, when they have NO idea about the emotional rollercoaster that's gone on behind the scenes!