I know I'm irrationally annoyed about this, just need a vent *TW child loss*

[Needarantaboutthis]

I'll start off by saying I know I sound like an absolute bitch, I just need a space to vent.

Two of my children have died, both were very young, in fact, my little girl didn't get out of hospital at all and was a couple of weeks old when she died, my little boy was in for a few months, had 5 weeks at home, then he sadly died.

These aren't recent losses at all so I'm struggling as to why I feel this way.

A friend of mine recently had a child, the child was quite ill for a relatively short period of time (I fully supported my friend with babysitting and cooking, and am still supportive). Baby has a clean bill of health and is thriving (and absolutely lovely).

I know my friend is just thinking of her child and what she went through in hospital, we all would be in that situation.

My problem is that every single day she goes on about what a fighter her child is, so brave and strong, how someone had a higher plan for the baby, how her prayer got the baby through, how baby was blessed by God and is so special.... you get the jist.

Every time she starts on about her child fighting or god deciding the child is worthy, it feels like she is saying that my kids weren't fighters, I'm not religious at all, but it feels like a total slap in the face that she believes her God thought my kids weren't 'worthy' enough to live.

I do know this isn't about me, it's all about her baby, but I cant cope with this daily. I don't feel like I can say anything to her because it makes me sound selfish, and she did initially have a hard time with the baby.

I don't know what to do, I sit and make all the right noises and try and change the topic, but its, obviously, at the forefront of her mind right now, and she has to come to terms with that traumatic experience, but I need her to stop going on like that in front of me.

I also don't want to make her feel bad, she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I'm at a total loss, and I don't want to talk to anyone irl as I would be devastated if it got back to her and she felt bad.

Any advice about how I can deal with this sensitively would be much appreciated.

You don’t sound like a bitch at all 🙁 what you have gone through is incredibly heartbreaking. In your position, I think I’d have to bring it up with her - she may not realise she’s spoiling your friendship with her remarks. If she’s not understanding of your position, then she’s not a real friend.

Wow. At best your friend is self-absorbed and totally lacks awareness; at worst she is feeling smug and superior because her child survived whilst your children did not and she wants you to know. Neither is a good look.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to her about this, then I'd start distancing myself from her if I were you.

I'm so sorry for your losses

You're not a bitch at all. She is being grossly insensitive. It's probably best if you say something before it builds too much. Something like, "I'm glad it worked out for your baby but when you say ... I feel ..." I know I'd have to do that or I'd probably end up with built up tension that would result in me saying something less polite.

I absolutely agree she shouldn't be going on about it in front of you, if she really has the desire to explore her feelings around this then I'm sure she has others she can speak to. If she's a close friend I'd actually speak to her and say you appreciate she's working her feelings through and acknowledge her trauma and want to support her, but that you find some of the comments and thoughts hurtful and would appreciate some sensitivity.

That’s awful. I always think how insensitive it is when people say things like “he beat his battle with cancer”, there is no skill involved in it and it’s insensitive to those who passed away from the same illness. They weren’t weaker people at all.

I’d have a chat with her and tell her exactly how it’s making you feel.

Sorry for your losses, that’s so incredibly hard to lose 2 children

Is there someone you could trust who could discreetly speak to your friend on your behalf about why this isn't ok?

I'm sorry you're being put through this.

Why can't you say something? Of course you can! Just calmly and kindly say "do you think babies who die didn't fight enough/weren't worthy enough to live?" I'm sure it would set her thinking, and you might end up having an important conversation.

That's horrendous, no wonder you can't stand to listen to her spouting that stuff. If she knows about your children I would expect her to have a bit more consideration, but I do remember how absorbing the early months with a sick baby were, so she's probably not thinking clearly.

I think you'll have to talk to her about it. You can be gentle, and stick to "when you say X it makes me feel Y", but she needs to know the effect her words are having. If she's any sort of friend, she'll apologise and stop it.

Like when people tell you how strong you are because they could never handle what you have to. I usually tell them they don't get a choice if it happens.

Read back your post and imagine if it was a friend talking. Would you say to her she was a bitch?

You've lost two children. That is a pain that most people will never have to know, not even a little bit.

If your friend is a good person, and you seem to think she is, then I can't imagine that she would be anything but horrified and upset to know what her words have meant to you. I hope that it's something as simple as the newborn/PFB? bubble and she's so besotted with her child and so overjoyed that he's healthy that she hasn't spared a thought for you, as cruel as that sounds.

I don't think anyone could condemn you for gently pointing out to her that she is being insensitive towards you given what you have been through.

Sorry for your losses op I can't even imagine how tough that has been for you.
You're not being a bitch at all, it's obviously bringing up a lot of emotions for you, loosing 2 children I'm not sure is something you ever get over, and the things she is saying is beyond disrespectful.
Is there a pattern to this behavior, or is she usually nice?
If she is usually nice I think you should talk to her, tell her exactly how you feel, hopefully she is just so wrapped up in what she has gone through she has forgotten your feelings in this rather than anything intentional, and I'm sure she would be horrified to realise how she is making you feel.
Don't sit on it, I think the resentment will grow and you could lose your friend.

Thank you for your responses.

Its really difficult because she is usually such a good friend, I'm doing the school runs for her at the moment which I why I see her daily.

She wasn't around when my dc died so I guess it's not at the forefront of her mind, but I cant think of a polite way to say "good for your baby but remember two of mine died so do you want to stop going on about how strong your kid is thanks".

She is struggling a bit (imo) with her mental health at the moment and I would hate to trigger PND or something.

I think you're all right that I should say something though, if I wasn't picking up her dc then I would be actively avoiding her at the minute.

Just when I think I've dealt with all the shitty things a bereaved parent has to deal with, something else crops up

That's horrendous, I'm
Not surprised you find it really hard. You are a saint for not snapping at her. I think you will have to tell her how it makes you feel.

Actually I would be blunt and say what you've just said!

Just be truthful about how you're feeling, but not blameful as it's likely she isn't even aware of it or has done it on purpose, if she's a good friend normally.

I'd say something like 'friend, I'm so glad DS is doing well and he's such a gorgeous boy, but it's difficult for me to hear that he's ok now because he's a fighter or that God meant for him to live. It makes me feel like my children who died didn't fight hard enough or weren't special enough to be chosen.'

I honestly cannot imagine ANY decent friend reacting badly to someone telling them that.

Could you say something like

I'm so glad x has come through this, after loosing 2 dc I wish god had a bigger plan for them.

It might just make her realise what she is saying is totally insensitive

I think it's quite reasonable to say something similar to above. I might go with "Hi, I am so pleased X is well. As you know two of my babies died, so I find comments about how hard your child fought and god's bigger plan very hard to hear. While I know you don't mean any harm by it, I'd appreciate you not saying that type of thing in front of me again. Thank you xxx"

I think you do need to say something OP, it's incredibly hurtful of her.

Could you wilfully misunderstand her? I'm struggling to find the right phrasing, but something along the lines of "Oh I know, so much just comes down to luck doesn't it. I often wish John and Jane had had an easier time of it/fewer setbacks (whatever their stories were that you feel comfortable sharing with her) and then they might have been lucky too. But I'm so happy little Joe made it." Or something.

Actually, this is much better, scrap what I said.

She's being really out of order and selfish. I can't believe she has so much disregard for your situation. I think she's a really bad friend.

it shows lack of awareness on her part
You do need to point out that talking like this is. very hurtful to those who have lost a child
It's the same with many things Ie cancer.
No not stronger or better fighter just luckier!

Thank you all. I've just been on the school run for her but declined coming in for a cuppa because I just can't hear it today.

I was thinking it might be easier to text her than wait for her to start again, it will probably mean that she will have a think and not react immediately as well, which may be better, then we won't have to discuss it in person.

I really don't think she is being malicious, or that there's any ill intent on her part, maybe she has even forgotten about my dc, I don't know, it's just so hurtful.