DH has cancer

[Dingdongdo87]

My DH is 35 and has cancer and I'm struggling. It sounds silly but even hugging him makes me well up as it just makes me anxious that he might not make it 😢 I dread the thought of doing anything nice such as a date night, holiday etc as I think I'd be in tears the whole time thinking about a life without him in it and not doing those things with him ever again. Anyone else in this situation? How do you cope?

I have been there. The early days before and after diagnosis were hard, we had months before his actual diagnosis where he was being told he had cancer but they weren't sure where it was. All the discussions with the specialists were really tough and hearing his prognosis was awful. Are you getting support from any of the cancer charities?

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm not in the same situation but have supported many who are through my work. Try to stay positive and remember that cancer treatment has come so far in recent years and most people survive it, although of course treatment can be difficult and exhausting.

Oh love, I've lived through this too. My partner is 6 years post stage 3 colorectal cancer, pretty knear the knuckle at one point. Grab what support you can, irl and virtually. If there is a Macmillan in your hospital please reach out to them, they are incredible. Big hugs to you and yours xx

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through his 💕 . I have no experience of thos so can't really advise properly, however I think a cancer charity would be very useful just now. They can put you in touch with others going through this, peer support can be invaluable to help guide through difficult times.
I hope your husband makes a full recovery ❤

Thank you for the replies. I've called Macmillan a few times for more info on diagnosis and they were great. We haven't looked into other support yet though, but will do. I'm trying so hard to be positive because he's a natural worrier but it's a struggle. Just having an extra bad day. Did you have any coping techniques that worked for you?

I’m really sorry, your emotions must be all over the place.
You can always speak to someone at McMillan’s , they’re the experts in support, I think.

Sorry about crossed message. I got up to switch cooker off and didn’t see replies. 💐

We found Macmillan were worse than useless but I self referred to a local charity and they were brilliant. Talking helped. I had one good friend who really listened and didn't brush me off with "It will be OK" because, at the time, it didn't feel like it would ever be OK again. I think I learned to not look too far into the future and try to figure it out. I learned to take each day as it came. In the beginning it felt like we would never be happy or 'normal' again but we were, it was a new normal but it was good. We also found good support from a cancer specific charity, DH's cancer was rare and aggressive. I found good support on some relevant Facebook pages too.

Not my DH, but my 21 year old DS was diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks ago. It’s just such a fucking punch in the guts, and irrespective of favourable prognosis, the ‘what if’ thoughts are there eating away at your soul all the time. It’s a whole new world that you have been thrust into, one that you can’t believe your are in, and it’s exhausting and bewildering. Wishing you and your DH all the very best for the days, weeks and months to come. Just the biggest over the internet hug from me to you 🤗

I’m so sorry OP.
im sure you will be your partners strength,you need someone too, parents or a close friend?

Cancer is just a generic term to describe a broad range of illnesses where the body can go awry. Don't be bullied by the word.

I also first got 'cancer' at 35 and it really is too young to have a terminal disease. I was in hospital and this elderly consultant came round at the end of the day and said "This isn't cancer....tut..tut,tut!" and waived his hand away at google and medical notes, articles etc I had been given. He was right, I had what turned out to be a benign tumour removed even though it was a new discovery of its kind. Eight weeks later I was climbing a mountain in France.

When I had another form of 'cancer' at 44 the consultant said "You have a 40% chance of surviving two years, but if you follow the plan you may improve the chances and aim to survive five years." The plan involved a series of injections, chemo and drips, steroids and many short stays over several months and here I am now at 60+ desperately trying to find a reason to have a mid life crisis but not quite feeling old enough yet.

Identify the form of illness your husband has. 'Cancer' is not enough and it is a big scary word that is inaccurate. Get full information on the treatment plan. Don't feel sorry for him or for you. Focus on the illness, focus on the treatment plan and thank god for the NHS - it is good at stuff like 'cancer' and poorly hearts and mashed-up bits and other big things because it is a tremendous pooled resource of expertise.

PM me if you would like some extra support.

I just wish I could tell you I have the magic bullet right here in my pocket, OP. 😢
And although it's my SIL who has walked this walk, her husband is, of course, my brother. So I had a birdseye view of how bloody hard it was for her to stay strong, optimistic, and supportive when she herself was just disintegrating with fear and drowning in sorrow (and of course, my brother was well aware of the fact that this was so damn hard on his beloved wife). God, it's the devil's work, cancer. It tests couples and families beyond anything anyone should ever have to endure.

You brave, brave soul. Do you have anyone you can just fall apart with? I know that during the 4 years of my brother's illness (pancreatic cancer- never a good prognosis), my SIL really never got to a place where she was beyond welling up. The tears never stopped, I am so sorry to say. But what she did do was accept who she became as a result of her husband's cancer. She stepped over a life-changing threshold and she learned to accommodate all that this step came with... and took away.
You are in grief. It is a bereavement. Even when people survive cancer- and so very many do- it is a bereavement, a mourning for the life that once was, and a reluctant acceptance of the life that has become something else. And you learn to live in that new space, with tears, with anger, with grace, with dignity, with hope, with despair... so very many strange bedfellows. Cancer really is life on life's terms. And if there is one thing cancer, a taker of so many things, actually gives, it is the power of love (so painfully corny, I know, but it is the truth. Every one of my 7 aunts and uncles has had cancer- add my brother and mother to the mix and I must declare that the love that saw them and all of us through the worst of times is powerful beyond description... at the saddest of times, love is everything and it is your strength now, OP).
I've offered no advice- just words. But they are loving words and I hope, with the whole of my heart, that your DH will live a long life... one as a cancer survivor, a soaring phoenix in flight. 💐

I can't add much to what the others have posted, t(@thefirstmrsrochester God that must be tough , my thoughts are with you too xx) but what helped us was not googling anything, just deal with what you know and take each day at a time.

Take time out for yourself as a carer. I was caring for my partner, my dying dad and my mum with terminal lung cancer who is still here 4 years on.

I'm on the 2 week pathway myself with suspected urinary cancer although I am hoping my surgery puy that on the referral just to fast track because of my symptoms. It's bloody scary, and no matter how many times people say don't worry, you are going to.

@TargusEasting such wisdom, thank you for sharing x

Oh wow thank you all so so so much for taking the time out to reply to me and share your experiences. Big hugs to you all and to the poster who's son is going through this, my heart goes out to you, him and your family. (Sorry im a bit tech-rubbish and don't know how to reply to comments individually )
To the poster just starting out on this horrible journey herself, my thoughts are with you too. Thank you for reaching out when you're going through it.
As much as I wish no one had to be affected by cancer I somehow feel less alone. X

I do have good people around me so I'm lucky in that sense. Good shout to stay away from Google as I'm definitely guilty of that. DH doesn't Google at all but I find I'm constantly searching for good news stories

Ooh worked out how to quote!
What a thoughtful post, thank you. And so sorry about your brother and other family members, that must of been hard to keep hearing the bad news that it's cancer over and over again x

Wishing you lots of love

I’m sorry OP you are going through this.
The only thing I would add is to take notes at consultations and write down any questions you have.

You may need to really push for treatments (a work colleague had a new, expensive form of treatment and really had to push the consultant for it, rather than an operation to remove the cancer - it was bladder cancer so very invasive). The person had done a lot of research of their own - not Google.
If you can afford a private consultation, I would go down that route as you will very likely get more information.

We have your back, you aren't alone on here day or night xx
Has your DH got a treatment plan yet ?

I'm on the other side of this journey - diagnosed with breast cancer in January, lumpectomy in February and just finished radiotherapy. You don't say if your DH has a specific diagnosis or prognosis, but I have dealt with it by trying to take one day at a time. It certainly helps that I'm pragmatic and optimistic by nature, but I've found that concentrating on the positives of each step of the treatment and not looking any further ahead has enabled me to cope pretty well so far. I really hope that you soon have a light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband currently has a benign tumour on his knee, which is causing him intense pain.

Before this, we went through 2 months of not knowing whether stomach pain, weight loss, blood in stools, vomiting, was due to cancer. Luckily not!

But I went through quite selfish thoughts of "I don't want to go through this again!" To give context to that, my husband, when my children were 3 & 1, had a serious heart condition where he could have died on the operating table the 3 times he was operated on. I became the 'strong' person who was there for anyone but the thought of that happening anyway sent me into brief panic! I still worry that he'll get the appointment in May & they give us bad news but each day at a time & googling medical words from the letter shows knee tumour is benign.

Ignoring all of that my husband is going through, please look after yourself. Contacting macmillan is brilliant. Keep in touch with people IRL & don't be afraid to say you need help too, as the main carer!

I hope you continue to get support @Dingdongdo87 both here, through macmillan & mumsnet in general x I'll be thinking of you x

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't give you any tips as a spouse going through it but I can try and give some perspective. I was dx with a mostly untreatable form of cancer at 23. I am thankfully after numerous gruelling surgeries and chemos okay now. But enough about me.

I just wanted to send you some love and strength. I have just read my DH (next to me) your post to see if he has any pointers.

Firstly from my point of you, please please don't try and be the crux of the family or the 'strong one,' this is very real for you and you're allowed to feel any emotions you want. Anger. Fear. Denial. Anything you want. The uncertainty is the absolute worst but what you need to remember is this is out of your control. There is no magic wand and you can't make this better for your poor husband. So don't try. I watched my DH get to almost breaking point as he closed off from me and tried to be the strong one. Take it day by day. Even hour by hour. Don't think about the future, think about today. When you next see his consultant take a notepad of questions with you. No question is silly enough and don't leave that room until you have everything answered. The main thing I beg you to do is stay off of google.

Please.
I didn't. The stays for my cancer is 15% make it to 5 years. Minimal results of anyone in remission, which I now am. Mostly due to my age I was able to go through the treatments as they were gruesome. Your husband and is still going. 35 is no age and this will be on his side.
All you can dl is communicate with each other and get as much support IRL as you can. Don't be afraid to say to your friends 'I want go for coffee / lunch and I don't want to talk about XYZ' you and your husband call the shots. Please talk to each other. Please hug each other and make sure you're there for each other. Just because you're not the poorly one, this is still very raw for you.

DHs pointers for you:

• you are NOT alone. It feels like or watching your love or your life go through it, but take comfort in each other. Join community boards and Facebook groups If they have them. Ask as many questions as you like and always take 5 once a day to have a cup of tea on your own to process your own emotions and thoughts. Stay strong, but not too strong. You're human and not a martyr. You can only give what you have and you can't pour from an empty cup so keep yourself as well as can be too.

Sending lots of strength and if you want to PM me you're more than welcome.

Someone once told me cancer was going to be a chapter in my life and not the story and I held on to that.

Point of view *

Don't be afraid to research specialists in his type of cancer and ask to be referred for a second opinion, we found medical trials that way. Sadly DH wasn't eligible for the first one but would've qualified for the second.

My DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It's bloody hard, get a friend you can cry on. I got the best support from our local hospice (although i had to be dragged there kicking and screaming!). I found a cancer specific group on Facebook where I could ask any question.