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Original poster

School mums

18 replies

Zxr12 · 25/04/2022 20:40

Will try and keep this brief
my child is in reception since starting I have been on the mums class night out and had a good time.
one mum (1)has made effort with me(invited myself n child for a play dates, took my child out in half term as I had a new born, we have been for lunch, plus the playground after school with other kids/parents)
2nd mum (2) has been round my house while our children played all three of our children are good friends .
Any way mum (1 )her child then started a hobbie with mine and (my son went first)our husbands stand and chat every week.
mum(2) child started last week and the men were talking and turns out both of them plus others went on a mums night out the night before I didn’t know anything about.
all very awkward for my husband as all 3 women in same boat and all kids are friends so why was I left out and it was like the men were talking about it so it got back to me.
now I don’t know how to act going forward . They act so friendly to my face. I was chatting to mum (2) at the school gates they day they went andno mention of the night out .
I can’t burn bridges cos I have years of seeing them at school and my child is good friends with theirs .
any advice from people been in similar situations ?

OP posts:

Mumosa · 25/04/2022 20:58

Try not to worry about it, they honestly probably didn’t realise while making the plans. Sometimes life’s so busy you can forget to include friends to events. Try to acknowledge that it’s not about you personally, they just over looked inviting you this time. I would arrange a drink out with them yourself just to show you want to part of the social group. Big hugs anyway, it’s a horrible feeling being left out

VioletHills · 25/04/2022 21:05

I had this went on the first few nights out and then stopped being invited. I distanced myself but was still friendly enough when I saw them.

Original poster

Zxr12 · 25/04/2022 21:14

Did it effect play dates etc for your child?

that’s what I worry about my son is popular with his friends and I don’t want him to stop being invited because other mums are friendly with each other and plan things amongest them selves

also I don’t know why I wouldn’t be invited as I am always friendly and when I have spent time with them it’s just general chit chat convos always flowed . So confused as to who the ring leader is and mum(2) is never at the school so not sure how she got an invite.

it’s all clique and I’m sure there’s a ‘secret’ WhatsApp group.

I just hate when people are so friendly when you see them but they arnt being genuine

OP posts:

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Primary education

VioletHills · 25/04/2022 21:28

There is class WhatsApp groups for all 3 of my kids and I'm not on any of them thank god. Hadn't affected any of my kids play dates or meet ups for my older son. Just be friendly when you see them and try not to let it get to you. Honestly it is a blessing not being enmeshed with all the clicky mums.

soundofsilver · 25/04/2022 21:35

I know it's hard and can feel awful when you feel left out but I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much. Perhaps they thought you wouldn't be able to go out as you have a new born or perhaps it was a last minute thing.
People have busy lives and often don't think things through properly.
It's probably not personal

Original poster

Zxr12 · 25/04/2022 21:45

Yes it’s hard not to take it personally , but people seem to know your number when it suits them.

i just don’t want to act all friendly and then they are basically laughing behind my back
or be off but then I have no chance of being invited.

forgot to say before the class mums out mum (1) invited me to hers for a pre drink.
so she really made effort .
I feel she has got in with some other mums and now doesn’t ‘need’ me . They all live close together . Although our kids are good friends so we will keep crossing paths

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 25/04/2022 22:07

Are you sure it isn't a group that knew each other before their children went to school? Did all the children go to the same nursery or did they go to the same toddler group or something? It might just be an established group of friends within the school mums from the class.

Original poster

Zxr12 · 25/04/2022 22:24

No these two mums are new to the area. But they do live on the same street . I think another mum has invited them and of course everyone thinks of them self so they are prob just pleased they got themselves in there.

just confused cos one of them mums is NEVER at the school and the other is only there now and again. But could be after school clubs They all get chatting ,

I don’t really care about there friendship it’s just not nice to be left out when I do get on with them and of course I don’t want my son to be left out going forward esp in the school holidays as they live close and we live a drive away

i heard this is what happens all the politics .
I feel like I’ve had this more since being a mum(lived abroad for first two years of sons life, nursery and now school ) than I did when i was at school.

OP posts:

INeedNewShoes · 25/04/2022 22:54

I think you're reading too much into it.

ehb102 · 26/04/2022 15:44

Not everyone is invited to everything.

I'd suggest you take the initiative and invite people out. It's hard work, initiating and inviting. People who do it make themselve likeable, especially when they approach it with a positive attitude and and open heart.

Shiningstarr · 26/04/2022 16:02

I hate this kind of thing, I do sympathise OP. A few months ago I found out about a 'get together' at another mum's house, because loads of photos were plastered all over Facebook. My heart sank as it appeared that all the group of mums were invited except me, and I know the mum whose party it was very well.

I felt really left out. My daughter is starting secondary school in September, she's my youngest, so no more primary school cliques to deal with thank god. Secondary school is completely different.

Echosound · 26/04/2022 16:03

What do you know about the night out op? For example, are the two women friends already before meeting you, and also long standing friends with a couple of other mums? Could it have been a small gathering like that? That kind of thing could explain it. Friendship groups exist
within school year groups and they don’t have to include all the mums. It might not be a massive night out with all the mums which you weren’t invited to.

Spitescreen · 26/04/2022 16:10

You’re reading far too much into this. This is a brand-new set of acquaintances that only dates back a few months and is based on your children knowing another — people move around fluidly within different subgroups. There’s absolutely no reason to believe you were excluded, or that anyone is ‘laughing behind your back’, and it’s both touchy and a bit juvenile to get aggrieved about not being invited to one event, when it sounds as if you have the makings of a nice set of friendships. If you don’t spoil it by inventing grievances.

Pigeoning · 26/04/2022 16:15

It sounds like someone else invited them both out?

Ihatethenewlook · 26/04/2022 16:20

You’re definitely being over sensitive here. It’s a brand new group of people sounding each other out and making friends. It’s a shame that you live further away than this little group that seems to be forming, but it’s a massive reach to think that everyone’s laughing at you behind your back because you didn’t get invited to an event with people you barely know. Have you ever invited any of them to anything?

Chica10 · 26/04/2022 16:20

Oh the primary school mum cliques! Happy to say I was not part of any, eventually made a few good friends over the years. Either way, my children’s own friendships were not affected by any of this.

Daisy38 · 26/04/2022 16:21

I think you’re reading too much into it. It’s quite possible the women all know each other from other areas of their lives as the school run is only a small part of their day, so they decided to get together as friends rather than ‘school mums’. You’ve said one of the mums is never at the school gates, so it does seem a bit unfair to make assumptions based on one small part of their lives. Your kids are only young but you’ll start to see as they get older that kids and parents will intersect in various ways throughout the community and will develop differing relationships with different people and the school gate is only one small part of that.

bhooks · 26/04/2022 17:01

I know from the same general, wider social circle - especially not with school mums. I'd consider that inappropriate, unless the organiser specifically said to bring others along. In a situation with school mums, everyone inviting others they are friends with could result in 60 mums being invited on an evening out when the organiser just wanted quiet drinks with a few she knows!

It would be very different if either mum 1 or mum 2, or both, had organised the night out and consciously decided not to invite you.

Enjoy the new friendships you and your children are making and don't overthink the rest.

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