Why does FIL do this?

[vonconk]

FIL popped round to pick something up this morning, dd wanted to show him her room that we are half way decorating.

I show him the once shabby old built in wardrobe that i’ve painted, he says “oooh, was that your idea?” to me and then does this weird look and does a pretend strangle to my neck, hands not on my neck, but near it and the grimacing face and “grrrr noise”.

He’s one that twice before over the years and it always makes me feel uncomfortable.

And no, I’ve never said anything because it’s fucking bizarre and when something like that happens you are usually too busy thinking “what the fuck” to say anything.

PIL are nice to me, but I’ve long suspected they don’t like me, which is fine, not everyone has to.

I’m a huge believer about peoples real feelings being shown in jest.

It’s just an odd thing to do through, right? And I mean, so out of context with talking about a DIY
job?!

Then he's just a bit of a dick then. Some folk think annoying things are funny.

Sorry I meant when he’d done the same thing in the past, I think you’d said he’s done it before.

I think though he’s probably an overbearing, patronising, old fashioned man with no social skills or concept of how to interact with women he’s not married to. It would really annoy me though.

It doesn’t seem that unusual to me, I’m sure I’ve seen a lot of people doing it when others are annoying them. He obviously thinks you’ve messed it up by painting it.

I honestly can’t remember what led to him doing it on past occasions. But I am a very easy going person, I’ve never had words with him. No that it would excuse it, but it wouldn’t have been over anything.

I haven’t though. He’s commented before about how awful it was and knew we couldn’t afford to. get it all removed/the old walls made right and it looks much better now.

And even if i’d cocked it up and it looked awful, it’s my house!

So odd that it would make him annoyed!

I totally get that you are taken aback when he does it and don't know what to say. I'm like this with DM and end up annoyed with myself for not saying this or that!

You need a bank of phrases that you practice regularly (especially before you see him, even if you think it'll be an innocuous situation):

• FIL what ARE you doing? (Shake head and look bewildered)
• I have no idea what you mean by that, I think I'll ignore it
• I have no idea what you mean by that weird growl and fake attack. Do you have something to say?

Good luck

People also used to say 'ooh, I could strangle him, honestly!' quite a lot. It's like a jokey eye-roll - like 'grrr'. I think he's saying it's sacrilege to paint wood, in a light-hearted way, but I can see that objectively it's a bit freaky.

I think the wardrobe thing is a red herring - he hated it as much as we did but realised we couldn’t afford to get it removed or fix the problems it would cause removing it ourselves. It’s not good wood, it’s the cheapest of the cheap 70s “fitted” wardrobe that should be on a skip.

I clearly frustrate him in other ways though.

Its his weird way of saying you ruined the wardrobe

I think you’re right, I would say you having ‘ideas’ is the reason.

How strange!

To me it doesn't make any sense at all in this context.

Unless it is because you had an idea an acted on it!

But even then-he was never going to paint or replace the wardrobe anyway.

So no-he's weird!

I would just respond with a frown "Why do you keep doing that, it's very creepy?" and, if he does it again, loudly "You really must stop that, I've told you I don't like it".

You have just reminded me of a creepy Uncle who used to do that strangling thing.

He also used to get very handsy with me (think tickling and squeezing my knee at the dinner table) and thought nothing of making the odd sexualised observation about me as a child/older teen.

It was all passed off as a joke. I didn't find it funny.

I know he’s made comments in the past when we have shock horror, dared to do things to our own houses without consulting him first.

That’s vile, I’m so sorry it was passed off as a joke.

He doesn't approve of your handiwork and is showing his displeasure with you with the pretend strangling gag. Rude and opinionated really. I wouldn't bother showing him anything in future because he's taking it as an opportunity to invalidate you, "you silly woman". 😉

My FIL was horrible and would use any and every opportunity to put me down. He never got away with it ever.
Nc for the last ten years of his life.
Don't be the polite female, it really isn't worth it.

Well I know now that he didn’t approve of the colour, as MIL spoke to dh earlier and said that we should have let dd chose her own bedroom colour as FIL said it was very dark and not girlie and too grown up. FIL has offered to repaint it.

Dh did put her right - dd asked for a dark bedroom. She wanted a very dark wall in there, totally her choice and she’s done a superb job of choosing everything. It’s a lovely room and will last her a long time (she’s nearly 9).

See, this is the problem. They tend to assume things. They don’t ask. And it fucks me off that they think we wouldn’t have asked dd to chose how she wanted her room decorated. She’s not into pink and unicorns, hasn’t been since she was 4!

I’m still really unsettled by the strangling thing. I really hate that sort of thing.

Your PIL sound like an interfering nightmare

Oh and it was “we” should have let dd chose, it was “me” who should have let her chose.

Which I did.

But dds choice didn’t meet their approval.

Dh told his mum that when she sees it to be happy as dd will be proud to show it off when it’s all finished. This is the first house we have ever owned, so the first time dd had been able to decorate her bedroom and not just have a beige room in a rented house, and he doesn’t want her brought down because they don’t like it.

Yes, they certainly try their best to be.

They really don’t like it when dh doesn’t concede.

At least if he was displeased by your choice of colour, it provides a more logical context for the pretend strangling thing. Would assume not anything sinister. It’s an old school, ‘jokey’ way of showing frustration. It would have been far odder if he’d said he loved it and then had done the strangling mime!

Having said that, I also would have found it disturbing and inappropriate. I think it’s a generational thing, like teasing children to the nth degree, when it’s obvious they’re not finding it funny. It’s as though some, and it is often older, men really can’t ‘read the room’ and just plough on in their socially inept way, as it’s the only way they seem to be able to communicate.

Why didn’t he just say there and then that he didn’t like it?

I hate it when people behave like that. I much prefer it when someone says, “it’s not my taste but great job” or something.

Or even if he’d said to dd “didn’t you want it pink?” then she would have told him that it’s what she wanted.

Instead, he pretended to strangle me as I had somehow displeased him, he went home and bitched to MIL and they spent the afternoon fabricating a story in their heads about how we chose something dd would hate, and thought up a way for FIL to fix that and they will now spend the next however long being pissed off at dh that he won’t accept their help to fix something that didn’t need fixing.

I swear to God, I don’t understand how other people work. Who the hell has the time for that?

It's almost like a LACK of confidence. That he can't say, as you suggest, 'well it's not to my taste' out loud. So he mimes his frustration- almost frustration with himself too that he can't just say he doesn't like it.

But also - really bloody rude. As you say, he could have just asked your DD if she liked it, or if she chose the colour etc.

As a grandparent I know my role is just to come and admire, congratulate and give cuddles. He needs to learn he isn't the head of the family any more (you are )

You probably just need to start calling him out. Next time he does something like that just say 'oh go on then, what don't you like?' At least it might lead to an open conversation.