Longed to be pregnant and now I am I am having these dark thoughts?

[Tighrs]

I’ve wanted children my whole life. All through my twenties I had a great career and used to come home and cry often that I wasn’t a mum. I met someone a few years ago (3 ish) and it’s definitely not perfect but we talked about a family etc in the future. I am the early side of mid thirties now and planned always to have IVF in a couple of years when I was 36 if a relationship hadn’t worked out.

So here I am. Pregnant. Wasn’t expected but mentally I always felt I had been prepared to be a mum my whole life and that I would just adapt whenever it happened and under any circumstances.

Im embarrassed to say that I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I’m thinking awful things like I won’t be able to go for lunch with friends as much, I won’t have as much spare cash, I might have to compromise on my life because of DP and what he may want (I can’t just suddenly decide to go and live by the sea, for instance). I will never have a bath in peace again/for years. Im worried I will be an awful mum. Im worried they would find out one day that they were accidental and that would hurt them. Im worried me and DP won’t last… he was uncertain at first but has said he will support me since. Im feeling ‘stuck’ with DP which obviously I didn’t feel before. Im looking at all the bad things in the relationship that didn’t bother me so much before. Im feeling terribly sick all the time and worried im not even capable of this physically. I even thought the other day I won’t be able to just get on a plane to Greece on a whim ever again, and I have loads of wistful feeling about why I didn’t make the most of all this in my twenties instead of spending so so many nights crying and wishing I had a baby. I’m worried the baby isn’t ok. I’m worried that I might lose my job and that if I end up a single parent my salary would mean it didn’t have a good life. I’m on 55k now but that will go down if I have to cut my days which I will.

I don’t know if I would have felt better if DP had been overjoyed and was really enthusiastic but he’s just not like that generally in life. Even if he was more enthusiastic I think I would still be thinking of all the men I have dated and would this experience have been better with them? This might be my last relationship now and suddenly I am questioning if it’s definitely right or even the best one I could be in. Though I have done that to some extent my whole life in relationships.

The things that annoy me about DP I am now worried I would see in the baby. I am so confused. I loved so much about DP though but right now I just feel like my whole world is closing in and I feel he is part of that feeling too.

If I don’t go ahead I could spend another two years trying to find a relationship and maybe never getting to the point of a baby.

None of it has happened how I imagined it would. I’ve booked to go for a termination appointment this afternoon just to talk about it but I am already 9 weeks. I have anxiety now and then quite badly so that doesn’t help. I am struggling to see clearly.

Tighrs you should first relax and take a deep breath. You said that you wished for this baby your whole life and now you're saying that you regret getting pregnant. You shouldn't feel any guild for changing your mind. The circumstances in your life have changed and consequently so have you. It sounds like you are a career woman, with a high pay and at an age that mostly our ways have been established and are very difficult to change. Especially when it is unexpected.

However, you should STOP thinking of what MIGHT happen in the future. Who knows? A meteorite might hit earth and we will all be blown to smithereens.

What you should be thinking is the present. What about now? Are you sure that terminating the life of your baby won't be the biggest regret of your life?

I would advise to think of you life as you plus your son or daughter and exclude DP our of this equation. He shouldn't be a consideration, even more so if he is not happy. This equation is about YOU! Your life. Your body. Your child. No one else.

I was very young when I got pregnant with my first child and it was such a surprise. I had no money, no job and I was studying. However, I knew I wanted to keep the baby, even if my boyfriend at the time wouldn't stay. Unfortunately he stayed. We got married, we moved to a new city close to his family and got pregnant again. For 13 years I lived in an abusive relationship, always with financial uncertainty and loneliness, just to be with my children. Then he made the decision that we should move to another country for better jobs and he sent me first with the children. It was difficult but we managed. He stayed behind for 6 months and when he came back it was a nightmare. To cut it short, the last 6 years I saw my children for 10 days added up together. They barely speak to me.

I can't say that I regret my decision to leave the abuse behind, even it lost me my children. However, I will never regret having them. They were the light in my dark life.

My advice to you is that YES. Everything will change. You will work less, be more tired than ever and get less money. But you will have a little person that will depend on you, will love you more than anything in his/her life (for a little while) and every of his/her achievements will be yours too. Get the unhappy man out of your life whatever your decision and think about this. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? A mom or a career woman?

It took me 3 years to get pregnant and the first thought in my mind when I saw the positive result was "shit, what have I done", like you I panicked that my current, easy, peaceful life had gone and would never be the same again.
I thought I was desperate to have a baby so was surprised that so many worries and negative thoughts had appeared from nowhere.
Raging hormones and queasiness didn't help either.

That was 9 years ago and I now have two amazing daughters, yes my life is vastly different and no I can't do things on a whim but my life is immensely better for having them in it, my 7 year old is lay next to me right now giggling away at something and it's wonderful her just being there.

You'll still get your peaceful baths, still be able to go on holiday, still meet friends for lunch, I do all of those.
Like you I was on a good wage but decided to go part time and took a large pay cut but my priorities are so different now, I love doing the school run just to see their faces when they spot me in the queue, material things that I used to enjoy I genuinely don't care about any more.

Obviously everyone is different and sometimes on here there are posts from people who do regret having children and there is no way of knowing if you'll be one of those, you've done the right thing by making an appointment to discuss all of your options but it's definitely worth thinking of the positive things about being a Mum as well as the negative things so that you can make a balanced decision.

I’m appalled at the response from @upinaballoon . Please ignore this horrendous advice.

OP, these feelings are so so common. I was trying for 4 months for my first DD. As soon as I saw I was pregnant I had the same dark thoughts as you. I even posted an incredibly similar post. And went as far as booking an abortion. I think it was hormonal because I had the same thoughts with my second DD.

I didn’t go ahead with the abortion in the end. But if you want to any reason is a good enough reason.

This is all totally normal. I had these thoughts with both my children. And I was desperate for children too. As soon as I got the positive test I thought fuck me what have I done! When DS was born I remember looking at him and contemplating running away. I didn't of course, I loved and still love him more than anything in this world. It's just the enormity of the situation - anyone would struggle with that.

My DP takes all in his stride too, he never got overjoyed or excited, men don't generally until the baby comes. Of course you hear of the exceptions, no ones ever going to tell you they had to drag Darren to the private scan because he thought it was all a bit pointless, or that Joe didn't built the cot until you were literally in Labour.

Life is about to change and no you won't be able to hop on a flight to Greece on a whim (did you actually do that anyway?!) you are giving up a lot yes but you will gain a lot too. When you're lying in bed breastfeeding your newborn, or your baby has just rolled over for the first time, or when he or she smiles at you and says mama, or when you walk them down to the classroom door on their first day of school, you won't be thinking about nights in bars or flights to Greece. You'll be in love with your baby, and your baby will be in love with you and that's what life is all about really.

Why are you so appalled at the comment ?

I cried for days when I found out I was expecting my planned first baby.

i had a loss before my second with I was really grief stricken with. With my second (also planned) I dreaded his arrival everyday of my pregnancy. I had some quite dark thoughts. I thought I’d ruined both mine and my eldests life. The night before he arrived I was sobbing to my husband asking how I’ll possibly manage.

i have managed and I’ve thrived. I adore being a mum as my boys and have no regrets. I don’t want anymore though!

im sharing this because I think the enormity of it hits you when you get the positive test and these are all normal feelings.

'With my second (also planned) I dreaded his arrival everyday of my pregnancy. I had some quite dark thoughts. I thought I’d ruined both mine and my eldests life. The night before he arrived I was sobbing to my husband asking how I’ll possibly manage.'

SAME and it's hard to admit. I imagine we had the same kind of thoughts but I can't even bring myself to say them. I was convinced I'd totally fucked up my first DCs life. Now my baby is here we are all totally in love with her, especially DC1 and she's enriched his life no end. Your mind plays weird tricks on you, especially when you're hormonal.

It’s so common that when I had my first pregnancy confirmed the midwife said “It’s a bit like seeing your mother in law drive your new car over a cliff, isn’t it?” It was! That feeling didn’t last. It takes a bit of coming to terms with when we spend so many years trying not to get pregnant.