Why is my friend behaving like this?

[ParisNoir]

Ok, so I'm looking for some ideas as to whats going on here.

I've been best friends with this person (I'll call her Lisa) since college. We just clicked immediately and have been super close ever since. We dont live near each other now but even though we dont get to see each other often, we are always texting back and forth making each other laugh, sending jokes, messages of support etc. We always share deep feelings, its always been 100% reciprocal and have always supported each other through difficult times.

Over the last year or so, I've felt some weird but subtle shift happen. I will text Lisa as normal but often my messages are read and then not replied to for weeks (if ever). Nothing has changed- her life is pretty much the same, we have never had an argument or even a cross word with each other so I am baffled as to why this is happening. I've asked her if everything is ok and she says its fine, no problems. I dont text her excessively as I am busy too but I'm finding this repeated lack of response odd. Ive noticed she also never remembers my birthday, even though I always make an effort for hers.

It was recently my birthday and I asked her if she was around to meet. She was oddly vague about it and said she couldnt do that weekend. Fine. No probs, we arranged for the weekend after. Then I see on Facebook that another college friend had tagged her the weekend of my birthday as they had arranged with two others to all go out for the day together. I liked the post and then she sent me a flurry of whatsapp messages saying "oh I'm sorry I didnt mention it, it was an impromptu get together- you know you are my bestie" etc etc... I let it go but it nagged at me as it obviously wasnt an impromptu thing and I found it odd she didnt invite me as it was my birthday and I also know and get on with these college friends.

Since then she's been distant and taking weeks to reply to me, yet still telling me she adores me and I'm her best friend. I'm so confused- she is saying one thing but her behaviour tells me something completely different.

What do I believe? any thoughts, I really dont quite know what to do- carry on as normal or back off as to be honest, its making me feel a bit shit continuing to contact someone who either doesnt reply at all or just leaves my efforts to meet up unanswered for weeks on end.

This happened to me recently - have to say I personally blame COVID, I think a lot of people have had a long hard look at their life and decided to change something, it may not be you, it may be a shift elsewhere that’s left no room for you!

I send one message, ‘I assume you’re ignore me?’ And she never replied. Her loss.

30 years friends.

People change.Friendships evolve.
The fact that you were close friends for a long time doesn’t mean it’s going to last forever.
Words are cheap and actions speak for themselves. Your friend clearly doesn’t prioritise you as much as you do.

Send a message “happy to meet up when you’re free, please let me know” and drop the rope so to speak.

Life is busy but we learn to make time for people who are important for us.

She's fading you out. I'd stand back and see if she does any of the leg work.

I'd take the hint, personally. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to be friends anymore and is doing that infuriating thing of 'being nice about it' (by telling you your her best friend...)

I had a friend who would tell she loved me, I was beautiful, I was the coolest person she knew etc.

And then shebstarted hitting on my boyfriend in front of me whilst still saying those things.

Look at her actions and not her words.

Thank you for the responses. Yes, I totally agree that Covid did something weird to all of us and I agree that friendships change and evolve, and I'm not one to cling on to someone if they no longer wish to be friends. I think what's baffling me is why go on and on about us being such close friends if she wants to fade me out- you know? If Lisa no longer wishes to be friends, I'll be gutted but I'm not going to pressure her in any way- I'd just let her go. Whats confusing me is all the "you know I'm your best friend- love you!" crap

@BlueSlate OMG thats bloody awful- I cant imagine how upset you must have felt

Covid/lockdown really changed how I saw some friends. There are a couple of people I thought I was close to who never included me in their groups of 2/6 and when it was allowed and had "secret" meet ups when it wasn't and it hurt. I've distanced myself from them since.

Friendships change as you get older, you can make new ones and still be friends with previous people, sometimes friends have too much other stuff going on to engage at that time I wouldn't take it to heart, but make new friends too.

You don't know why this is happening, but you're right to feel put out by it.

I'm sure many of us have been in this situation, I have a few times but also I have pulled back too.Sometimes too much is said, or opinions change, or it's hard to see something changing over time.

She may want to be friends, but pull back from best friends and not know how to say this. Or, she could be pretty mean and like you chasing her.

@Enough4me Thanks- I almost wish she'd tell me to fck off because at least then I'd know where I stand lol. Its the kind of two faced thing thats bothering me- telling me she loves and appreciates me then acting the opposite. I never ever thought she was at heart a mean person at all but this new pattern of behaviour is really making me question a lot of my assumptions about her and I'm seeing her in a different light

I wasn't upset as much as bloody fuming! 😄

Fortunately, boyfriend was equally indignant and shut it down pretty sharpish.

Sadly, it's not the first time I've encountered it. Nothing about people surprises or shocks me anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, in your shoes, I'd definitely be taking a step back. Some people just aren't very good at being direct and end up just sending mixed messages which prolongs the situation and causes confusion.

Yes, I think I will make a big effort now to make new friends. I'm pretty sociable, its just sad to think that a really long friendship is ending. Its great to make new friends and meet new people but when you have 15+ years of shared memories with someone it just seems so sad to throw that away and I just dont get it.