Severe Anxiety about doing something wrong

[PlantBasedPluto]

Mostly upsetting people, being responsible unintentionally for someone's death, making someone ill... has anyone overcome similar?

There's been a few things that are making it worse right now but it's absolutely horrific. It's killing me at work (really bad) and it's absolutely wrecked my social life too... socially I have only seen my family and my partners family, medical professionals and neighbours in the last several months. Work I am only seeing those who I need to and even then it's awful afterwards.

Sounds like intrusive thoughts to me.
I suffered badly with this and it helped to understand how common this is.
Even really awful ones don't mean anything about you.
I always recommend a book called 'Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts' it was a lifesaver for me.

Thank you so much, I will definitely get the book.

It's sort of like intrusive sorts yes, but it is pretty constant and not situation dependent. So one example would be that I went to the corner shop the other day and then I've avoided for the next five days in case I went in and found I had accidentally killed the shop owner. It's like that constantly - so anything I do near people has similar thoughts but it all does end up with people dying.

The only person I am sort of OK with not dying at the moment is my mental health case manager - and even then I still get the fleeting thoughts (unfortunately this means I am breaking all the boundaries as it feels like the only person it's safe to properly communicate with and that I can't hold sensible and rational ideas in my head because of the rubbish thoughts!)

This sounds like it could be OCD OP, have you ever discussed that with anyone?

No I haven't - I can do though - I do have a trauma-related diagnosis but this has only become really bad in the last 15 months ish.

It was bad before that I would panic people would die but not to this level at all. It's really horrible and feels like I am sometimes being controlling so this is another reason why I have totally (almost) cut my contact with people as I don't behave in that way.

I’d agree with PP. Sounds very much like the intrusive thoughts side of OCD. I’m currently coming towards the end of a CBT based ocd course as I struggle with IT too.

It’s debilitating and exhausting.

Have a look into it, it’ll help loads.

Oh thank you - can you let me know the name of the course please Jellybean? I am really glad to read you've found something useful.

Honestly, that sounds exactly like mine.

I would lie awake wondering if it could be possible that I hit someone in the car on way home. Totally without sense but made no difference to the woosh of fear and adrenaline.

Would see a belt and have images of hangings.

Be driving and have the image of swerving to hit a pedestrian.

I had no wish to do any of these things at all. Only that I might have done them and somehow forgotten /would do them. I couldn't understand why I was thinking these thoughts, it's hideous.

At different points in my life the thoughts have centered around different things. I think if you don't understand what they are or indeed what they are not it escalates until you are on hyper alert against your own mind and you are stuck in a loop.

Mine would be worse in periods of stress or anxiety, worse when tired etc.

Seems to be the result of being someone very hazard aware that takes their own thoughts too seriously and is not comfortable with risks/ uncertainty.

Please do read the book, the way to deal with the thoughts is actually very simple and I have gone from being a quivering hyper anxious person to being back to enjoying life and rolling my eyes in amusement if a thought does ever pop up.

I really feel for you and am sending you much support and reassurance that all will be well.

I have asked for EMDR and DBT but I've been told no to both (DBT because I am not self harming and EMDR because they don't think I am stable enough to manage it). I will look into the CBT though and raise it with them if it's a possibility even if I do it externally to my work with them.

@Blackopal Yes, how you have described it is so similar - I'm ordering the book now.

I am so glad you found this post and responded - and I am so sorry you too went through this.

I get very bad panic about people I love dying, and I agree that I think it's a form of intrusive thoughts. Sending hugs as it's exhausting.

You have my sympathy OP, I have exactly the same problem and when it flares up like that it is untenable. I have OCD and when it was diagnosed all I could think was ‘But my house is a mess’ I didn’t realise all the fear and intrusive thoughts plus suspicion that I was evil was OCD

@PlantBasedPluto Whereabouts in the country are you? I’m East of England and referred myself to the local NHS wellbeing service for assistance. They called me, did an assessment and recommended the course I’m currently doing.

@Jellybean27 Thanks - Im in London - I am in a specialist Trauma Service so I may ask them about it - and whether there are any other ideas that would give me some relief (the last few days have been particularly horrendous with it for aboslutely no reason (apart from I spoke about it in therapy last week and my therapist is on holiday... actually that's possibly the reason!))

I am always so impressed when people start threads like this looking for help.

I never did and was terrified of ever revealing what a monster I was in my mind.
I actually only heard the term intrusive thoughts when I saw a thread on here discussing it.
I cannot tell you the relief that other people also had this, it had a name and didn't mean I was a terrible person.

So, really thank you for being brave enough to talk about it. Don't underestimate the amount of people reading and not commenting that may get alot of help from your thread

I always find the nights/early hours after socialising the worst, 100 times more if alcohol involved, thinking I’d said something vile, posted something horrendous on social media or even committed a crime.

Very true @Blackopal I couldn’t get on due to the changes but got a password change just to comment on this thread.

@PlantBasedPluto 100% worth an ask.

Sounds like you have a lot going on already, without the addition of intrusive thoughts.

Hang tight until your next session. A thought has never killed anyone.

Absolutely agree! @Blackopal

Having no clue initially on what the hell the thoughts were, was frightening. The shame and guilt has been unbearable at times.

Seeing the amount of posts here already, shows how common it is to be affected by this.

Have you tried medication @PlantBasedPluto ? It's helped me. I've has this on and off since I had our first DC. After their birth it was things like the bus we were on would crash or I'd drop them and they'd die or a car would swerve and run us over or I'd let go of the pram and they'd fall into the road and die. It went away after a while 12+ months though. Had it again after our youngest was born, less DC related, thinking I'd crash the car, or run someone over or damage someone else's car. These things when I wasn't even close to any cars or people. Looking in my review mirror to check i hadn't run someone over when their was no one about. Once had a full on panic attack that I'd somehow done major damage to a car when parking. The door was damaged massively, no way it was me and I didn't even get close to them, but I kept panicking about it, that I'd somehow done that to their door without even noticing. It's all mixed up with a lot of gaslighting and emotional abuse from my H. It seems very OCD like to me.

Medication helped so much, I could function without panicking again. Though I've only realised in the last couple of days why I haven't been able to handle even small amounts of social contact. I've always had social anxiety and intrusive thoughts around socialising, but it's really next level now. I speak a sentence to someone and spend all day kicking myself over saying something completely innocuous. Even posting on social media, so I've dropped everything, just do things with DC because I can't stand the panic.

I am seeing a psychologist too, more talking therapy about H, not so much for the intrusive thoughts. Since the medication got to a high enough dose to help they've taken a back seat to the other things going on, DC SEN, me getting sicker and H behaviour. I didn't realise till this week how the social stuff was tied into that.

Honestly, thank you so much - I didn't think I would get any replies apart from perhaps being told to do mindfulness or meditate, the latter which makes it very, very bad.

I have exactly the same that nights / early evening are the worse - I actually am not usually online in the evenings but I was in a pretty bad place yesterday - and I've deleted all my social media again (not helped that someone has chosen this perfect moment to slate me and slate the work I do so I have had to remove myself from being contacted by anyone until I feel a bit better / more resilient).

I have been on medication before, I didn't find it helpful for this - I still had the thoughts; it was eventually stopped because there was any real benefit and I felt it was hindering the therapy process.

Re. alcohol - yes - I cannot drink anymore (probably a good thing) because I spend the next week hiding under a duvet pretty much and avoiding everything. Trying to explain this to the very limited people near me has been quite challenging - my partner really loves late nights in the garden with a few beers and shisha and I feel awful now for not joining him (I do the shisha part) but it's just not worth the hell that comes afterwards. I did think this was just part of getting old though?!

Thank you for all the really kind and supportive and lovely words - I am so glad I did get replies but so sorry that others have been through it - I really hope I have not stirred anything up that's too difficult.