How to tell him

[Scrunchienana50]

My dp and I were talking about our ideas of getting married in the future, what we’d prefer in terms of church/season/party etc. We were both on the same page and it made me excited but today being the over thinker I am I’ve realised what we agreed on is not what I’d want. He’d want his whole family to come even third cousin Linda he’s met once, an old neighbour, a uni friend he never speaks to anymore, distant uncles dogs goldfish.. you get the picture. I originally made myself clear if we were to get married I’d want a small intimate ceremony with immediate family only - parents, siblings, grandparents. I have no desire to have a party or a big do with dances and speeches, it’s just not me. I’d want to marry for love not for the big day or so extended family can drink free booze.
I hinted by telling him I wouldn’t invite anyone but my parents from my side (small family anyway). Not even friends. He was shocked. I can’t exactly tell him he can’t invite his friends and family though! But ‘his side’ would have 100+ people while mine has 2!
He knows I lack confidence and would be uncomfortable with all eyes on me, so if it’s people i’m close to then I won’t feel as shy. I don’t need an old school friend and his entire family watching me on my big day, particularly as most of them I have never met nor likely to as he doesn’t seem them himself.
I know it could be excitement talking for him and chances are we’ll both
Change our minds what we want, but I worry that if we’re already on the wrong page it might be a mistake.
I want to speak to him tonight about it and let him know how I feel as I don’t like the thought of leaving him to believe we both want a massive white wedding with all the trimmings. I’m not sure how to go about it or if I’m being selfish? Stupid for caring when it may never happen or if so not for years potentially?
The thought of walking down an aisle makes me want to cry with anxiety. I’d love to be married to him and have the married life if I didn’t need to do the wedding part. I just know if I keep quiet and we get to that stage then I confess I will feel awful or end up having that type of wedding out of guilt and hating every minute. Any advice?

Just to add we’re both 30 and I’d quite like us to have children in the next few years but would have liked for us to be married first. I’m not sure my timeline works for him so it could potentially either be wedding first in a couple of years then be a slightly older mum than I wanted to be, or get married on his timeline and never have children as I don’t want to be 40+ having babies. How do we talk about it and come to agreements on timelines without me seeming demanding or controlling? Sorry for the long essay I’m just feeling a bit down in the dumps!

With the best will in the world, if you feel you can't talk to him about your wedding day and what you would like, how will your marriage pan out?

You really both need to be on the same page from the start.

Thanks for replying, I will speak to him about it I just don’t know the best way to do it because I know he’ll be hurt and I’ll feel like I’m making a big fuss over a currently hypothetical wedding, do I directly come out with it or is there a better way of getting to the point without being harsh?

I genuinely don't get the problem with telling him.

"Oi Bob, you know what we were saying about getting married? I'd prefer it was a much smaller affair, as I don't like people looking at me. Is that ok?"

Whether you get married or not, may depend on his answer but ultimately, the marriage is way more important than the wedding day.

It's best to be very clear about what you want, err on the side of really intimate so you ve room to negotiate.
In our case it was our parents who wanted a big wedding so we negioated from parents, siblings to 50...everyone was happy.
We did have a lot to the afters, at that stage of the day I was relaxed and enjoyed it.
I still think I would have been as happy to elope with parents present.

A wedding is a day...a marriage is every day after...

Compromise. Go for a small wedding with just immediate family etc. but have a bigger party type event afterwards.

OR get married privately in a ceremony and have a party to celebrate a few weeks later. Forgot the first dance, speeches etc. Just go straight for a buffet, BBQ style evening party etc

But agree numbers beforehand so there is a stop button e.g. 25 people each etc...

Well I think I got the point across. Without even pre planning what I’d say I told him I looked online at wedding dress styles (true) but not sure if we should go ahead just yet because I don’t want many people there watching me so we’ll have to postpone until I feel more confident or we elope to avoid that. Probably not the greatest thing to say but my mouth done the talking! Just having a cry in the bathroom because he said ok if that’s what you want it is the brides special day, so I feel awful. But now to tackle the baby timeline because even though we said we do want children we never discussed when specifically and I’m scared of potentially being disappointed and hurt by his suggestion if it doesn’t match what id like (mid 30s latest). Why am I finding such important things hard to discuss!?

It's hard because it's really huge things. And your afraid you ll disappoint him.
At the end of the day you both want to get married and have kids, that's the crunch. Everything else is timing and open for compromise.
You ve wound yourself up so it feels big, but really it's not...its just a pathway to the same goals.
I m v clear about what I want but it gets muddied when I consider others.. like my mum, dad, mil, fil ..but really this is easy because its just you two deciding. Nothing perfect, I think tick tick etc paint a picture perfect image, all I d say is be true and clear in what you want...let him be the same and then compromise.

Sorry tick tok

When I married dh we had just us. As much as it was lovely if we had family and friends to invite it would have been better!

Would a compromise not be possible? Smaller than he wants but larger than your two guests? Surely you can meet each other half way? It sounds like he is happy to compromise - are you?