(Possibly ADHD) 15 year old son with no real friends & constantly in trouble

[user1470739004]

Hi, at my wits end with 15 year old son. We moved from the town to the country 6 years ago and he never really fitted in (DHs home place) he goes to secondary school in our old town (just half hour by bus) but any friends he has either in the country or town are constantly trouble (vaping/smoking weed etc) son is no angel either but ridiculously easy led. He has been doing different sports for years but realistically isn’t any good at them and doesn’t enjoy them. All the kids from our area are either sports mad/farming mad or hang around the village/town doing nothing (which eventually leads to them getting bored & into trouble) His friends from school are the same, he is constantly in trouble in school. Nothing major but the same things over & over again. Ie talking in class/not doing H/W. School suggested we have him assessed for ADHD but there is a waiting list of a year even when going private. We don’t know what to do at this stage. We keep grounding him & keeping him from his ‘friends’ but he is just so unhappy. What do we do. Do we try isolate him from these friends or are any friends better than no friends? (They are not all hell raiser, just some of the parents don’t look up or down at them and the can literally do what they like) again this is not a ‘my little Johnny’ post but just trying our best to keep him somewhat on the right track. Has anyone been in the same situation and have any advice on how to deal with it please. Thanks 🙏

Anybody 😭

@user1470739004

Hi,OP...I don't have much to offer except a handhold and a word of encouragement

Well, firstly I would get him on the shortest waiting list you can for diagnosis, since that is the way to get him help, extra time for exams and medication, if you are prepared to go that route. I know a lot of British parents are very anti-medication for ADHD, but those DC I know with it who have been able to access medication, have seen both personal and academic transformations. As your DS is presumably doing his GCSEs next summer I would be pursuing this aggressively, if I were you, including travelling to get him to see a doctor asap.

In terms of his friends who are a bad influence/lack of homework/getting in trouble at school, are you working with the school to come up with a unified behaviour strategy? Have you tried motivating him with rewards for homework done, good school reports, etc? If the answer to those questions is 'No', I recommend you arrange a meeting asap with his form tutor, SENCo and anyone else you think might be helpful. This is such a key time for him at school with only one year until his exams that I'd be throwing everything I had at the issues.

Here's some ideas that popped into my head. @user1470739004

Does he show any musical interests? If so, could you get him some lessons in the particular instrument. He'll then meet people who share a positive common interest or even older musicians who will mentor him.
Is there an older male that would be a good influence who can mentor him in a hobby he might be interested in?

Have you asked him what he might be interested in doing?
Space science is a big one here in the US...How about a junior program for teens associated with law enforcement? Or other civic organisations?
Would he like to have a dog...that would surely keep him busy and offer companionship.
I have ADHD and Dyslexia...never diagnosed until my 50s...school was a constant cause of stress and anxiety...I STILL have nightmares about school.

Does his school offer any testing for learning disabilities? It's not uncommon to have a co-morbid condition with ADHA. Sometimes kids who are having trouble in school will act out in class to distract from the fact that they are totally overwhelmed...they actually want to be sent out of the classroom by the teacher...it's their way of coping.
Please visit your local library for books on ADHD...there are so many good ones available..They might help give you some perspective on what you can do to help him.
He is an amazing boy with an amazing ability that having ADHD allows him...if he can just get through school he will soar! There are a lot of famous people with ADHD because of their amazing abilities...school classrooms are so restrictive. Is there a health advisor at the school that you can speak with to help? There are all kinds of new things to help with concentration whilst having to be still...fidget things, squeezey balls, etc.
Hang in there, OP...you are doing a great job as his mum! I know it is so stressful, though.

Thanks @zafferana. Yes we put him on waiting list when the school recommended it about a month ago. I am a bit wary of putting him on medication but would be willing to give it a try. We are in Ireland so no GCSEs but he has his junior cert this year, so we are looking into alternatives that might help ADHD in the meantime. (Like reducing sugar/ increasing exercise etc)

We have constantly tried to reward him for good behaviour/results even down to paying him for good results but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. We also enrolled him in after school study every Friday as his school has half day every Friday but he skips (mitches) it most times. School also put in application for spelling exception for his exams.

I’m more worried about his friends group than his friends. He actully does ok in school exams (not as good as he is capable of ) but better than he should with how little effort he actually puts in (hope that makes sense)

Thanks-@Sweetpea1532

Yes we have spoken to him about different interests/hobbies. He likes motorbikes and goes on my younger brothers track bike but not that often as he lives about an hour from us. He would also spend every waking hour on his PS if he was let but that’s another story 🙈

I never even thought of anything outside sports @Sweetpea1532 🙈 so thank you I will definitely speak with him about music etc. and yes definitely need to read up about ADHD as we embarrassingly don’t know much about it at all. I would love to be able to help him in any small ways while we are waiting for his assessment as a year is a long time to be struggling if unnecessarily.

@user1470739004
Hi, I found a website for the National ADHD Foundation of the UK...they should offer lots of help and ideas. And advocacy.
I will try to do a link, but incase that doesn't work, I've attached a photo of the website that you'll need to google.
The foundation for the US is a great source of information so I'd imagine the UK group would be similar
Good luck and fingers crossed...help is not too far away.
Another opportunity for a friend group is organizations for teens gtoups is associated with the military. A little more advanced than boy scouting .

A close friend has recently been diagnosed as affected by ADHD. He is one of the loveliest people I know but is really struggling to process this information and the ways in which this has affected his early/earlier life. The right support may have changed his life journey fundamentally. He has a very loving and supportive family but they didn’t have the knowledge to help him.

Is there any way you can access an earlier assessment?

@user1470739004

I've been going back through my brain remembering little bits and pieces that I've found helpful over the year.....please take everything I say with a huge grain of salt because I'm not an authority on ADHD, BUT, I am a mother and wife and person who has personal experience...your DS's brain, of course, may work totally differently.

It's been said that people with ADHD can be impulsive and are risk takers. Hence why in the US ADHD is extremely common...it was settled by a bunch of risk takers from the very beginning...who else would, at the time, jump on a ship to sail off to a New World that was unfamiliar?! Impulsive people who were risk takers, that'swho.....and then to take it a step further, there is a higher number of diagnosed people with ADHD in California than any other state because, there again...a family moving to an unsettled land was taking a huge risk...and it was known to be a very dangerous journey...but thet still went.

I am havin

MN cutting out! Don't like this new format!

OP, you sound like such a lovely parent 💐

There is an Irish organisation too, & they have an advice line
adhdireland.ie/

Your son sounds like a male version of my daughter who went from normal student, a sunny ‘good’ girl, to always getting into low level trouble, poor choice of friends who got her into drink, drugs, smoking, bunking off, doing nothing good for days on end. We also moved from a city to rural area before this happened. It was awful to watch and nothing we or the school did helped. Grounding or punishment didn’t work at all. School was torture to her and She left with very few exams. We eventually paid for an ADHD assessment privately and she was off the scale. It explained everything to her & me. She went on medication and we put her on a creative course for 6th form that did not require memory or exams. It changed her totally. It’s like she has returned to us. Suddenly motivated, focussed & positive she’s now applying for University. I encourage you to not give up hope, get assessed and medicate if possible. Make keeping a relationship with your son a priority and give him praise and positive feedback wherever you can. Read books on ADHD. Get help to shift your parenting approach to be more understanding. Work hard to find something he’s interested in and good at. It will be bumpy but you’ll get there. Good luck.

Your son sounds like a male version of my daughter who went from normal student, a sunny ‘good’ girl, to always getting into low level trouble, poor choice of friends who got her into drink, drugs, smoking, bunking off, doing nothing good for days on end. We also moved from a city to rural area before this happened. It was awful to watch and nothing we or the school did helped. Grounding or punishment didn’t work at all. School was torture to her and She left with very few exams. We eventually paid for an ADHD assessment privately and she was off the scale. It explained everything to her & me. She went on medication and we put her on a creative course for 6th form that did not require memory or exams. It changed her totally. It’s like she has returned to us. Suddenly motivated, focussed & positive she’s now applying for University. I encourage you to not give up hope, get assessed and medicate if possible. Make keeping a relationship with your son a priority and give him praise and positive feedback wherever you can. Read books on ADHD. Get help to shift your parenting approach to be more understanding. Work hard to find something he’s interested in and good at. It will be bumpy but you’ll get there. Good luck.

What makes you think he has ADHD ?

From your post, it just sounds like he's bored & knocking about with the wrong people.

From the OP:
”School suggested we have him assessed for ADHD”

I don’t have any specific advice OP but it might be worth looking at Ross Greene books as he has suggestions for how to work from a parenting POV with children where punishment/rewards aren’t working

Hi OP

DS1 was diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago, he’s 9. Medication has transformed his life: he’s getting 100% in all his tests at school and has stopped falling off his chair! When people raised reservations about medication, I always asked them if they’d medicate a child with diabetes/other illnesses (of course they would).

I hope you’re able to get an appointment for your DS ASAP.

I'm very pro ADHD medication. It's the only thing that helps most of the ADHD kids I know. But it has its side effects, some feel not themselves, some foggy.

I'd press hard at diagnosis, speak to GP, speak to Senco at school. School can put many things in place without a diagnosis, if they want to!

Similar story to my now 18 yo with a school referral for ADHD but went privately in the end as waiting list is 2.5 years and he’s in A Level year. A positive diagnosis in which we were told he was very obviously neurodiverse has really helped him understand himself and his behaviour. He wasn’t awful but very bright and constantly in low level trouble in school for literally never doing homework, forgetting things, talking loudly in class, lots of impulsive behaviour etc. Now medicated and the difference is unbelievable! Private diagnosis is expensive and hard to find as so many people are having to resort to it but absolutely worth it in our case.

There are signs of adhd before 15. Read up and see if it fits.

People with adhd are more likely to self medicate . So medication is a far better option than weed.

My ds has adhd. His diet does make a diffeence- he can't tolerate sweets with colourings, haribos are the worst.

I would pay privately if possible.

I do wonder from your post if he is actually struggling due to the move as he sounds like a badly behaved teen from your post although there may be far more you haven't posted

apologies I don’t be online very often, but thanks so much for all your advice. I definitely need to read up more about ADHD.

we have his name down for private appointment with a psychologist but I don’t think they can prescribe medication. (This is €900 and 12 month waiting list) we also have appointment next week with GP to get advice from him too. Does anyone know what type of treatment plan psychologists provide if they don’t prescribe medication, or is it literally just a diagnosis.

@Rosebud21 that is such a sweet thing to say. Thank you 💕

@WorkingMumD you are right, grounding/punishment doesn’t really seem to do anything at all, only make him feel depressed. But we honestly don’t know what to do, as afraid he will end up going down the ‘wrong’ road. Hopefully a diagnosis (either way
@Starlightstarbright1 that is what we initially thought (ie playing up because of the move) until the school recommended assessment.

@WorkingMumD sorry I don’t know what happened the rest of my sentence, I was saying that hopefully a diagnosis (or medication if that’s what he needs) will help him see things a bit clearer.

Hi Op, I’m in Ireland also. Two of my children have adhd. I would not waste my money on seeing a psychologist as they cannot prescribe medication, which is the key to treating adhd in my experience. Try ringing Dr Sean O’Domhnaill consultant psychiatrist in Dublin, 01 4931577emphasising that you’re desperate to get help for your son. He should be able to give you an appointment quicker than other places. Best of luck, it’s essential for your son to get a diagnosis and treatment for his future happiness

He also charges less than €900!

I have one (now adult) ADHD-er.. medicated from childhood, came off meds in her teens (as she didn't think she needed them!) Went back on them at 18 and is still on them as an adult... they make a HUGE difference to her ability to focus, cope with life and actually, to make decent choices rather than wild risk taking.

One of my other children went down a horrible route in his teens... you name it, he did it, and he was a wild ball of hormonal rage to boot. He stole, he smoked weed, he smashed holes in walls and he was just scary to live with. I honestly thought we would have to ask him to leave by 18 to protect his siblings.
BUT it wasn't ADHD or anything else..it was teenage hormones and grotty attitude, and somewhere miraculously at about 17 he started becoming human again...and is a lovely man now..no rage, no bad behaviour, in a very responsible caring job!

Only assessment can tell you whether your boy has ADHD or just having a very difficult teen time, but they can come out the other side! (My daughter is now a doctor.. son works with autistic adults on the other side of the world, is is getting married later this year) . Sometimes it's a case of riding it out, providing love and boundaries as much as you can... but hang in there!

(I can say that now but I truly empathise...my ds1 put us through hell!)