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Original poster

How to stop a 3 year old constantly saying 'I want'

26 replies

Toddlerbeast · 19/04/2022 09:00

I don't just mean when we are in shops, that's the easy bit. It's everything such as I want to do it (helping) I want a yellow bath, I want to find a snail, I want to drive your car, I want I want I want. I've spent the whole morning so far since we've been up explaining why he can't have everything he wants. To say he's bossy is an understatement. I'm so fed up with being bossed around by a 3 year old.

Just to explain I do let him help as much as possible but sometimes I just need to get jobs done etc.

How do people handle it? Should I explain once then ignore the kicking off afterwards?? Most of the time he can't hear my explanation anyway because he's shouting so loud.

Ahhh help!!!

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 19/04/2022 09:02

What's wrong with him saying what he wants? You don't have to give it to him. Just treat it like a passing thought & move the conversation on. "I want to find a snail." "Ooh me too, snails are so cool. Do you fancy toast or porridge for breakfast?"

Merlott · 19/04/2022 09:02

They grow out of it.

Seriously.

A 3 yo has a limited vocabulary. You should be proud that DC knows how to ask for what they want!

The point isn't to explain why they can't have it. Stock phrases I use: Not yours, put it back, bye bye

Merlott · 19/04/2022 09:04

And @MolliciousIntent advice is even better, it really works on a 3 yo! They are asking for attention above all else. My DC is easily engaged by asking what colour the forbidden thing is!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Stickytreacle · 19/04/2022 09:05

"I want never gets" was the stock reply my mother used.

TheLoupGarou · 19/04/2022 09:05

Yup: time - they grow out of it.

You just reinforce gently - "no, not today", "that's not yours","we have to wait our turn", "what do we need to say"? (Please)

TheLoupGarou · 19/04/2022 09:07

Haha @Stickytreacle my mum used to say that too Grin

5zeds · 19/04/2022 09:09

“Yes, me too” or “really? I don’t” seem perfectly adequate answers. Do you feel you have to give him everything he wants??? Confused

Abouttimemum · 19/04/2022 09:10

I do what @MolliciousIntent says. Also when it’s something he can probably have, such as ‘I want some juice’ ‘I want some fruit’ I do the whole how do we ask for things nicely and he is learning how to say ‘can I have some fruit please’ which is much easier on the ears.

When he’s not asking for things / is chilled, it’s a good time for learning around this sort of thing.

I do agree though, it’s very irritating!

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 09:15

Yeah. I want doesn’t get was what I said. Coz that’s what was said to me.

I want doesn’t get please may I have. It was a refrain for a while.

ThirdElephant · 19/04/2022 09:17

Mine is going through this stage too. She just said, 'I want a strawberry.'

I replied, 'Oh, you'd LIKE a strawberry?' She replied in the affirmative.
'I'd like a strawberry too. The problem is, the baby is asleep on me right now, so I can't get a strawberry at the moment. Are strawberries your favourite fruit?' We had a conversation about fruit.

We've now decided that we'll get a strawberry in ten minutes when the baby is in a deeper sleep.

MrsElm · 19/04/2022 09:19

I want a yellow bath.

How lovely, I would like a pink one!

I want a snail.

How about a caterpillar, they turn into butterflies!

I want to drive your car!

One day, when you are a lot older, you can drive your own car!

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2022 09:20

My Dad started singing the Rolling Stones at them so we all picked it up and it seemed to work as a distraction!!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/04/2022 09:21

Acknowledge the feelings and move on to something else was usually my approach. "I want a tractor". "You want a tractor, shall we play with your cars later?"

"I want a biscuit". "You want a biscuit; we'll remember that when it's snack time later"

I used to feel like a right twat parroting stuff back at them, but it did work

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2022 09:21

Oh - and if possible / realistic I always tried to say yes but after this / tomorrow / when we go to the park etc rather than a lot of flat 'no'

Traumdeuter · 19/04/2022 09:23

Redirect, redirect, redirect. My mum always responds to DS’s unintelligible babbles with “really? And then what?” which is a great conversation modeller and something I’m taking forward as his speech improves to actual questions.

AngelaRayner4PM · 19/04/2022 09:24

There is no point in giving lectures to children this age, it's not for them at all. They don't have the listening skills to get anything out of an explanation. Generally they have quite short attention spans, so redirecting them either through questions or through options is the best policy. Whenever possible let them have the thing they want. Try to increase opportunities for choices. A choice between two T-shirt's, two drinks, two snacks, two types of cereal, two books, etc. You get to give them the illusion of choice. Another thing you can try is teaching them to wait for things, so that instead of it being 'I want, I want, I want' constantly until they get what they want, you say to them wait for 1 minute and then Mummy will get it for you. Then while they wait you can redirect them to something to do while they wait. Quite often they won't even want it any more as they will be distracted by their new activity. This works well when they are asking for their 3rd banana or 4th cheese string or whatever. When you know they don't really need the thing, but also don't really mind if they have it either. But the skill becomes transferable so that you can say to them they can't have the thing right now, and they have the skills to wait and do something else. Otherwise they get kind of stuck wanting it and that leads to tantrums. The more they feel like they have choices the more their brain works in that way, so that sometimes they are the ones coming up with the options. Eg. My 3yo will ask for a snack. I will say, not now wait a minute. And he will go and find some play dough or colouring pens until I'm ready. I wish I had done the same with my older kids, but I had been busy punishing the bad behaviour or de escalating tantrums instead of teaching the skills which avoided the bad behaviour or tantrum in the first place. I think I just assumed that they should be able to ask for things, and either wait for them or accept they couldn't have them, that it would just be something they learned to do somehow magically. Without realising how many different cognitive skills that takes and emotional ones, and that they needed help to learn all those skills. They aren't automatic and some kids struggle more with that. They want it, want it want it right now and if they don't get it they're going to scream. That's because they haven't learned the skills to ask, wait for a response, and accept that they may need to wait for what they want or may not be allowed it at all. That's a lot for little people to deal with!

Original poster
Toddlerbeast · 19/04/2022 09:37

I get the giving 2 options etc and answering with yes we can do that later, tomorrow etc but the problem I have is how to react / deal with the aftermath. The screaming and constantly saying 'I want I want I want etc ' even after I've said it's not possible at the moment but we will do it very soon etc.
Do I just ignore his tantrums?
This morning was constant screaming and crying because I didn't put his toothbrush away straight away. I was drying my hair. Do I just let him scream it out ?!
I don't want to be dictated to by a 3 year old

OP posts:
Original poster
Toddlerbeast · 19/04/2022 09:38

@5zeds Well clearly not hence my post! Thanks for popping on though 🙄

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 19/04/2022 09:44

@Toddlerbeast

I get the giving 2 options etc and answering with yes we can do that later, tomorrow etc but the problem I have is how to react / deal with the aftermath. The screaming and constantly saying 'I want I want I want etc ' even after I've said it's not possible at the moment but we will do it very soon etc. Do I just ignore his tantrums? This morning was constant screaming and crying because I didn't put his toothbrush away straight away. I was drying my hair. Do I just let him scream it out ?! I don't want to be dictated to by a 3 year old
I say, very firmly, 'I do NOT like to be screamed at. It does not make me feel helpful.'

She generally stops then.

ThisUserIsNamed · 19/04/2022 09:44

I always said 'I wants don't get', and they didn't.

If they want something they ask nicely and then it will be considered. People have commented on how delightful my 5 &6 year olds are for a few years. They are polite and don't tolerate anyone being demanding / rude to them either!

FromOurHatsToOurFeet · 19/04/2022 09:55

I don't want to be dictated to by a 3 year old well that's kinda what they do Grin You can acknowledge their feelings "yes, I can see you want that." Fob them off "let's remember to put it on your birthday list when we get home." Change the subject, cross your arms and say "I wants don't get" etc. But when you're arguing the toss with a mini dictator you are going to lose. You could give them exactly what they want and it'll be wrong because they are 3 and they have no idea what they want.

5zeds · 19/04/2022 18:59

@Toddlerbeast well then say any one of the myriad of answers and comfort him or leave him to feel frustrated/sad/angry. I’m not sure what you’re getting snippy about? Toddlers can’t regulate their emotions. It won’t kill him to experience them but it is very uncomfortable for him.

TheLoupGarou · 19/04/2022 20:32

I used to ignore tantrums/screaming or say something like "I can't understand you when you are shouting/whining, can I hear your lovely (normal) voice?"

Flowers it's very wearing I know

Maydaysoonenough · 19/04/2022 20:33

Repeat back I would like every time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2022 20:35

In a shop, you give them pocket money and they buy what they like, nothing from you.

In day-to-day, use stick phrases.

You want a snail, I want a million pounds, let's hope really hard.
I want doesn't get (thanks granny)
I know. I want that too. I wish I could have it.

And repeat for the next year. Humour is key.