Am I being selfish/needy?

[Lifeafterloss22]

To summarise, me and my OH have a very happy, loving relationship. We met nearly 3.5 years ago, have been near enough inseparable since despite our busy working weeks. We got engaged, brought a family home and started TTC last June.

We have been unfortunate in experiencing 2 miscarriages since last June, which has had a toll on our relationship (physically and mentally) . However, we continue to support each other and I know we are strong enough to get through.

With our initial plans, my OH decided last year that he wouldn’t renew his season ticket for football as it would be to expensive with a new family home, combined with wanting to spend time with a new born baby.

I know naively I assumed this would all go to plan, however 9 months has passed and we haven’t been successful in a pregnancy to full term.

My OH mentioned the other day about renewing his season ticket, and I couldn’t help but get upset because he wouldn’t have thought twice about renewing if we had a successful pregnancy. I got really emotional, and told him that I was unhappy about him renewing his ticket.

I am not possessive in anyway, I know his love for football and I do want him to enjoy it whilst he can. I also know that he wouldn’t go to every game and would always make plans with me equally (he does work occasional weekends).

We are still actively TTC, with no luck as of yet but I just don’t know why I feel so upset by this. I don’t really know what I’m reaching out for here, am I being too needy? Is it selfish of me asking him not to go? Am I putting my life on hold for no reason?

I am sorry for your losses.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Sorry.

It’s not the ticket. It’s what it symbolises. You’re angry at him because you’re upset at the position you’re in at the moment-still without a baby. I totally get it.
Sorry for your losses.

your wanting him to not go to football .. because you cant get / stay pregnant? yes yabu. im sorry about your TTC problems but dont start pushing him away with your controlling behaviour

My point still remains but realise that sounded cold. sorry. point there though

You will probably find as soon as he buys his season ticket that you will be 🤰 within a few months. It is usually how these things work. Good luck 🤞

@User48751490

You will probably find as soon as he buys his season ticket that you will be 🤰 within a few months. It is usually how these things work. Good luck 🤞

Don’t say that. You don’t know that. It’s such an unhelpful comment to make.

Sorry for your losses. You are being a bit unfair though. Sorry x

I’m so sorry for your losses

As you say, he wouldn’t be considering this if you hadn’t had the miscarriages or were currently pregnant. So it’s a painful reminder of what you’ve both lost.

I see where you’re both coming from. He’s doing what a lot of people do in this difficult position, carrying on as best you can as normal and not letting joyful things pass you by. It’s also like wearing white when your period is late - you know it’ll happen - or booking a skiing trip when you’re ttc - you know it won’t.

I’ve had mcs and I truly empathise with your pain but I tried to not let it stop me getting on with things. I know nothing about season tickets, how much are they? But you’re not pregnant at the moment, you can’t say how long it’ll be, he’s suffered too, this will make him happy.

Talk to him, explain how you’re feeling, that it’s not really the season ticket but another indication you’re not at the stage you’d both hoped to be at and it sucks.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

Thank you for your comments - I know deep down that I was out of order and I do want him to go and enjoy himself (I am certainly not the controlling type - he had a season ticket for the first 18 months and I really enjoyed the peace!!!)

@PurpleDaisies you are right, it is the anger and upset of still being without a baby, and often visualising what life would have been like if it had all gone to plan. I certainly wouldn’t have questioned or said a thing if we hadn’t been TTC.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you for your reply, it really helped me reading this message.

They are about £600, so not a huge amount but at the time he said he would have preferred to use the money for something more practical. Now time is ticking and he has the chance again…

I definitely need to have this conversation with him as I have felt guilty for responding the way I did. Like you say, not pregnant yet and could take probably until the end of another season before hopefully reaching a successful pregnancy! So he could enjoy the football :)

I hope it happens soon and you have a boring uneventful pregnancy, that’s what I wish everyone

It might not be the time but is there something equivalentish you could plan for yourself? Something that makes you happy, will occupy/distract you, social or just for yourself.

We didn’t have loads of money and I have step kids so we didn’t have much free time, but I did acupuncture which I found really healing and made me feel amazing. I used to spend the first half hour ranting or crying or just chatting things through then she’d do her needle thing and I’d go home light as a feather. I also did a lot of Pilates and yoga, it made me feel in touch with my body in a positive way. Miscarriage can take a massive toll on your body and how you feel about it. Doing things which give you confidence in it or help you nurture yourself can only be good.

He gets his football, you get what you enjoy.

And please do try and talk. Baby making can be an epic slog and whatever happens you’re a team and in it together. Be open with him. Lean on him. Listen to him.

As pp have said...it isn't the season ticket, it is what it symbolises which is totally understandable OP.
But l would still let him get a ticket - that won't affect you falling pregnant again but honestly l can see why you felt like that so don't beat yourself up xx