High school girl (mean girls) friendship help WWYD?

[yorkshirepudgf]

I’ve currently found myself in the unchartered territory of having a DD in year 7.

She’s struggled to establish a friendship group but has recently become part of a group of 3. One of them hasn’t been the nicest of friends to my DD and has been picking on her hair colour by throwing orange peel in her hair (she has light red hair).

The 2 girls have each individually come for tea after school at our house and on Friday the 2 of them came for a sleepover. (Paid for a takeaway, kept me up all night and cooked them breakfast).

Tonight my DD is upset as she has found out that the other 2 girls are having a sleepover at one of their houses and have lied to her about it.

She is so upset and I am raging! I’ve talked to her about it and advised her to talk to them to let them know how she is feeling about it but she feels that they will just exclude her more if she says anything.

I really want to say something to their mums but I know that this will make things worse for her.

What should I do to help the situation? I feel really helpless 😢

The orange peel throwing is bullying, and I would ask the HOY to deal with it if it continues.

The sleepover is unfortunate, and I have every sympathy with your daughter, but it isn't a wrongdoing that you can complain about. They're allowed to see each other without your DD if they want to. You'll look a prat if you go moaning to their mothers about it.

I think all you can do is keep reinforcing your DD's self-esteem and supporting her to form other and better friendships. It's so tough at this age.

Thank you. I think I know deep down there is nothing that I can do about the sleepover but it hurts seeing DD so upset! The self esteem is something that I always work on with her and need to keep doing. 12 year olds are horrible xx

As a mum of a teen girl this is part of the territory in my experience…

It’s stressful, upsetting, frustrating etc …
I don’t think you can complain to the parents

My approach is to support my dd, and do all that I can to help make a wide network of friends - such as out of school clubs, invite friends round etc etc
It’s really tough.

It is bloody horrible. One of mine was bullied and excluded all the way through school and it was so, so hard to see him hurting. I hated those kids. He's at uni now and has found his people, he's like a different person. I hope things get better for your DD, it's early days.

DD had similar. This book really, really helped her to feel better. Trust me (teacher) as it has subsequently worked for others.

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I'm sorry but it's a huge overreaction on your part to get remotely bothered by the sleepover.

The orange peel throwing is pretty shit though sure. She can't help her hair colour and that's mean, but they're still being friendly too most of the time aren't they?

Regarding the sleepover, it's normal to have just one friend at a time. Easier for the parents, and likely encouraged more than having a gang of them staying over.

Tell her to invite just one of the girls (the nicer one) for a sleepover next. Then invite just the other one another time.

Encourage one-to-ones as much as group gatherings and it'll help her build stronger friendships.

Great tip thank you!

Encourage her to expand her circle rather than relying on being in a group of 3 one is always going to get pushed out at that age.