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Original poster

Can I have a little vent about something I feel sad about?

26 replies

Appalonia · 18/04/2022 18:40

Didn't know what topic to put this under or even how to title it, but I just wanted to share something that's important to me but also makes me sad.

During lockdown there were lots of programs on TV about art. Grayson Perry's Art Club was fantastic, and there was Portrait Artist of The Year, Landscape Artist of the Year and Bob Ross. I loved all of these and I really wanted to do a real life art class, when we were able to meet in person again.

So I found an art class nearby, which was oil painting. I'd never done this before, and assumed it would be really difficult. I practiced a lot, found videos of excellent artists on Youtube, and became quite good at it , and a year after starting this, I've just had a portrait accepted at a local gallery!

However, this is really bittersweet for me because, when I was young, I LOVED art at school, I drew and painted all the time and all I wanted to do was be an artist. I took my art O' Level in 1981 and I failed it. It was so devastating to me to be told that the one thing I thought I was good at, I wasnt. My school even appealed it for me, but to no avail. and consequently couldn't go on to do Art A' Level. I was so crushed by this that I literally didn't do any art for 40 years, and I just took it up again as a way of dealing with stress and I vowed that all I would do in the class was to not judge myself, not compare myself to others and just learn.

The sadness is, when I watch artists on TV, I wonder, how good I could have been if that hadn't have happened, and if I'd had art training. It's hard to accept I'm actually good at it, and I am! I'm just bloody angry, as I squashed it for so many years and I've never had a career when I felt I was truly me. I don't want to sound self indulgent or self pitying, as I know many pp are dealing with much bigger things right now and I guess it's not too late, I just wanted to vent and express how I was feeling....

OP posts:
Debroglie · 18/04/2022 18:48

I hear you. How disappointing for you. I suspect you will always mourn the life you could have lived.
I do hope you continue your art now.

Original poster
Appalonia · 18/04/2022 18:49

Thanks, that's so kind of you. X

OP posts:
Babdoc · 18/04/2022 19:03

Don’t look backwards with regret, look forward with hope.
You cannot change your o level result, or your past reaction to it, but you have the rest of your life to develop your talent and enjoy your art. You may even find that a sense of urgency, from wanting to make up for lost time, will enthuse your painting and motivate you to greater things in your chosen medium.

Schools2023 · 18/04/2022 19:04

Can you go to art school now?

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 19:11

How old are you? Is there any reason you can't start now?

Original poster
Appalonia · 18/04/2022 19:18

I'm 57, so yes I am painting now, and trying to learn as much as I can, can't afford to pay £ 9k a year for an art degree, but it's not really about that, it's about the psycho!logical impact of being told by society you're a failure at such a young age and only now accepting that that wasn't actually true, but being too young at 16 to have the strength and confidence in yourself to overcome that.

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 18/04/2022 19:22

Looking at this from a different angle suppose you had passed and it’s gone on to do art at A-level standard and then perhaps onto University.

No matter how good you are you would have had your peers to contend with and as a young woman you would have had to prioritise having a roof over your head and paying bills etc and making a career from your art might not have been feasible.

I think you might be mid 50s now and hopefully are settled in life and now have the time and means to pick up the flow of your artistry and paint for enjoyment which as you have found out is also appreciated by others as your work has been accepted into a gallery.

You might have been influenced when you were younger but now your mind is your own and your art has no bounds.

CuriouslyStardust · 18/04/2022 19:32

I completely relate to your post. A few years ago I discovered that I love drawing and painting. I've been doing all kinds of creative things over the years with my restless creative energy but I've realised I was meant to be doing this all along. I think I decided as a kid that art was for other talented people and 'crafts' were more my thing.
I still don't think I'm all that good despite getting positive feedback from my family. I'm not sure that will ever change but I keep trying regardless.
I've just signed up for an in person portrait drawing class and I'm so excited. I desperately want to find a way of putting my art out in the world and maybe eventually exhibiting or selling some.

It's hard not to feel sad about the wasted potential, all those years feeling like I didn't have anything I was truly passionate about but all we can do is keep creating and look forward instead of back.

Original poster
Appalonia · 18/04/2022 19:41

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. It's a bit like Sliding Doors, you never know what your other life might have been like if xyz had happened. I think for me, it's the cognitive dissonance and pain I've struggled with and buried for so long that has now been reignited. I remember walking to the school to get my O'Level results and the shock of seeing that I'd passed maths ( that I was terrible at! ) and at the same time I'd failed my best subject. My 16 year old brain couldn't make any sense out of it. All I could do was bury my disappointment, which I did for 40 years, and I'm just bloody angry and I know art is subjective and I might not have had a career out of it and yes it's not too late, but I'm jealous of seeing young artists and wondering what I could have been...

OP posts:
Original poster
Appalonia · 18/04/2022 19:48

And yes, it does give me motivation to try hard. I've come a long way in just one year, and I don't need an Art Degree, especially as there are so many amazing artists giving advice on YouTube. And I am at the stage in life where I have the maturity and life experience that I didn't have when I was younger, to paint whatever I want and to give it my all. I do want to be good enough to have my work in a gallery and to feel satisfied that I've given it my all. I can't change the past and I've spent most of my career working for charities so now is my time for me!

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 18/04/2022 19:53

Focus on the positives - you've had a painting accepted by a gallery. It's not too late to fulfil your dreams. If you'd had the chance to pursue it when you were younger, you wouldn't be pursuing it as the person you are now - with years of experience and wisdom to inform your work - your art might be all the better for the life you have lived since your youth.

WobblyLondoner · 18/04/2022 20:07

Dear @Appalonia I understand how you feel. I wasn't great at art but I enjoyed it until I started doing art A level and realised 'my' art wasn't the sort of art my art teacher valued. There was a little clique around her who were (to my eyes) really good and I got so demoralised I dropped out. Looking back I can see that I'd have done better in a course that was more focused on graphic design but that didn't exist back then. What I have found though is that I do lots of things in my free time that give me a chance to express that creative side, and that's enough for me.

Good for you for going back to it now - and well done on getting something accepted by a gallery! Very impressive!

SScoobiedoo · 18/04/2022 20:08

Be grateful you have discovered the talent you always had - you might have continued not knowing!!

And you are mature and committed - you've got about 30 years - several hours a day, 7 days a week for 30 years - that's long enough to be a success!

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:10

That’s sad, but it’s improbable that had you made different choices that you could’ve been a (financially) successful artist, v few people are!

CrapColdCoffee · 18/04/2022 20:17

Not quite the same but I always loved art. However where I come from studying art is very expensive and my family couldn't afford it. I studied something else and haven't done any art in years... OP you might find that art you create now will be enriched with your life experience and even if you need to learn some technique it will be completely different than if you have taken another path. I'm so sorry you were treated like that as a young person but perhaps ultimately your art will be even more unique.

PAFMO · 18/04/2022 20:18

@Appalonia

You're an artist.
You paint and you've been accepted by a gallery. That's wonderful. Your love for your craft shines through your every word. Maybe, as pp has said, you'd done an Art degree or A level, you'd have decided it wasn't for you and abandoned it.
Now you have until forever to pour your love into it. Flowers

ButtockUp · 18/04/2022 20:35

I can really relate to your story.

I think you need to move forward with a " fuck you all" attitude and embrace the fantastic opportunity that now presents to you.

In all honesty, an O'level or even A'level in art is no conduit to future art greatness and probably would not have led you to a career in art.
Careers in art are exceptionally difficult to curate and are mostly dependent on a portfolio.
The vast majority of art graduates do not end up in an art based career.

That you felt that an exam fail stopped you from continuing your love of art is very sad indeed.

However, here you are, about to be 'published' ( as it were) and you must seize this opportunity.

It's important to continue your love and expand your experiences. There are loads of art group opportunities available but check them out.
I've been on a number of courses that were , basically , re-hashed YouTube tutorials. Having spent much time searching YouTube art, it was really embarrassing turning up to classes that were direct copies.

Many congratulations on your success and all good wishes to you.

katseyes7 · 18/04/2022 20:39

I'm another one who relates, OP.
I actually went to art college in my teens, got my diploma. And l haven't done anything with it since. Forty plus years on, nada.
And l'm kicking myself. I have so many art materials, so many ideas, but l've lost my confidence, and l'm scared to even pick up a pencil or brush.
I'm told l have talent, that l'm so good, but that was such a long time ago. I posted some of my (from school - very long ago) drawings on twitter, and a lady who is (genuinely) a publisher said she could 'very easily' find me work as an illustrator. Which is wonderful, but the thought terrifies me. I don't even know if l could do it now. I have friends who are illustrators, and their work is incredible. But they've done it for years, they haven't sat like you and l for decades, thinking 'l can't do this...."

BUT..... OP. Art is subjective. VERY subjective. I'm telling you what my friends tell me. If you've had a painting accepted by a gallery, you're doing just fine. It doesn't matter if you think it's rubbish, or you're not 'good enough'. What matters is that you do it. Even if you're scared, if you think you're crap. Please, just do it.

I'm telling myself this, as much as you. If the creative spark was there a long time ago, it still is. It might just be a spark, but it just needs kindling. And honestly, you don't need art training. Sometimes that encourages, sometimes it has the opposite effect.
I genuinely think you'll be fine. Enjoy it. Creativity is good for us.
Good luck! x

rc22 · 18/04/2022 20:45

It's hard isn't it? There's an argument that art should be about self expression so for it to be 'tested' in the same way as someone's knowledge of say maths, history or science is, is sort of problematic!!

I would continue to enjoy the renewed love of art you have found now!!

lumpygravy · 18/04/2022 20:59

Oh, that is a difficult place to be, with such mixed emotions, finally able to realise some of your talent while also sad about what was lost.

We have some lovely oil paintings from a local artist who finally was able to start painting in his 60's. Good luck to you Flowers

caringcarer · 18/04/2022 21:50

One thing I learned in life was to look forward not back. It saves you much distress. Enjoy your art now.

sassafras123 · 18/04/2022 22:25

I failed O level art 40 years ago. Now retired I have time to take it up again and in the past 2 years have learnt so much mainly thanks to youtube and the wonderful artists on there. I now feel inspired to go further and learn all I can , its never too late. I feel inspired and its a new freedom for me.

milcal · 18/04/2022 22:26

@caringcarer

One thing I learned in life was to look forward not back. It saves you much distress. Enjoy your art now.
This is very true.

The past is the past. Leave it there. What matters is the present. Enjoy 😊

Now is your time to shine ✨

Original poster
Appalonia · 18/04/2022 22:37

Thank you all so much for everyone who has taken the time to respond to me, I can't tell you how much your kind, wise words mean to me. I'm going to take them all to heart and carry on creating art, because I love it and to learn as much as I can and put it out there into the world. I can't change the past, but I have this opportunity now , and even just this past year, it's given me so much joy to do it, just for me and has enriched my life in so many ways, even just walking down the street, I notice the flowers and the colours and the seasons and the sky, the world has become such a place of wonder and beauty and I'm so grateful to be able to SEE it in such a different way than I did before, and that in itself it such a gift. It's not about exams or degrees, it's about seeing the beauty and the extraordinary in the every day and that is something that I now have that I didn't before, and it's something that I will never lose. I also hope that those of you who haven't done art for a while might find a new reason to take it up again, just for you , just to experience the gift of it. X

OP posts:
MyMagicStars · 18/04/2022 22:50

Would you be kind enough to post some pictures so we can enjoy seeing your art? I do completely understand if it is too private.

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