How do you forgive yourself for/move past the ways you used to be a rubbish human?

[DanteThunderstone]

I can't seem to get past my dislike of my past actions and choices. In my teens and twenties I wasn't an obviously bad person - no criminality, cheating, deception - but I worked a job that was at times immoral and at its best added nothing useful to the world. I think I was an ok friend but I didn't exercise any discernment in my friendships and therefore spent time with fun but snarky and sometimes mean people and part of our shared humour was being secretly snide about others. Some of my social attitudes from back then (internalised misogyny for instance) fill me with regret now. I dislike the person who acted that way.

I'm in my middle 40s now and behave a lot more positively. I'm not friends with cruel people, I don't work for a shady company and I try to live kindly both within my personal relationships and as a citizen. I'm patient and tolerant and charitable. Also I live hundreds of miles away so can compartmentalise then and now geographically.

But, I'm plagued by this idea that I'm in some subtle way irredeemably bad because of how much of a dick younger me sometimes was. I feel shame looking back and wish I could divorce myself from younger me. Which sounds ridiculously dramatic, I know. It's more just a drip-drip of mild shame leaking into my current life from my past one.

Can anyone relate? Is there a way to come to terms with the fact you used to be vaguely horrible? Is the answer to live altruistically now and hope it eventually persuades you you're not intrinsically a dickhead?

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Try cultivating compassion towards yourself.

Your brain isn't fully developed when you're in your early 20s, sometimes empathy isn't developed till 25. It's not a you thing, it's a brain development thing.

No one is perfect and we have all done things we're ashamed of. Good people aren't good all the time and bad people aren't bad all the time. I did something bad in my early 20s that I've dreaded ever getting out, even though I dont think I was fully to blame. But I've punished myself enough over it and now it's time to let it go. The fact you're so hung up on your past mistakes proves that you have a conscience and that you care.

I think you sound very thoughtful and are being very hard on yourself. I also fully understand.

How about you try and break down the things that worry you, why you did them, and how you have changed/ what you now do differently, a lessons learned exercise of sorts.

So, you took the job you mention- I don't know what it was but at that age people usually have to take any opportunity to build experience and go on to get the jobs they want that align better with their goals and values.

You indulged in somewhat spiteful gossip (as many young people do) but realised that whilst this was an easy way of bonding, the impact could have been negative, and how it wasn't a good use of your time so developed broader interests and conversational skills plus more empathy.

None of what you describe sounds awful or to have had lasting damage. All pretty typical growing up stuff really. I'm currently retraining with a lot of early 20s people. Most are lovely but there are still plenty who have an immature outlook which can manifest in quite bitchy behaviour at times. It hasn't been nice to have been on the receiving end of (I saw a chat I wasn't intended to once) but I don't hold it against them particularly or take it personally.

Yep. I can relate. I would also go easy on yourself and consider the ways that you have matured now. I still have friendships like the ones you described and I don't know how to break away, but they are based on gossip and nastiness and I am tired of it now. My family always talked about others and it is probably all I know. I wish I was different and am frequently disappointed in how shallow I can be.

I thibk you have learned from your past experiences. I try to think of my past as.makingnthe decisions I did with the knowledge I had at the time. Now you have more knowledge you make different decisions.

Be kinder to yourself op ☺️

I wasn't a particularly nice person in my late teens/early 20s. I was insecure but masked it with over confidence and I was a fucking nightmare, I used to get drunk and make a twat of myself regularly as well. Falling pregnant just after turning 22 was a blessing in disguise as I had to reevaluate myself and my life.

Luckily I don't have many people in my life any more that I knew back then, I moved hundreds of miles away and could essentially build a new life. I tell myself that most people are still finding themselves at that age, and I just be the best person I can now.

Thanks everyone

Your 20's are meant for working through your inner twat aren't they?

Give yourself a break OP!

Nothing you've written marks you out as irredeemably bad. I think many young people find themselves behaving in ways the later regret. The regret is part of learning what kind of person you really are. You've learnt you're a decent human being. There is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up for things you cannot change.

Write down all the things which bother you most, be really honest, write the reasons you did what you did. Re-affirm your commitment to live a life which gives you less cause to feel bad about yourself and then burn your list of past misdeeds.

Learning to forgive myself made it easier for me to forgive other people.

I was an utter horror until I hit 29 and had my DS. Continued to be a not very nice person (but not as bad as I was) for a few years until I hit 36 and decided to turn my life around.
I find it difficult to forgive myself and feel sad that some of the people who meant the most to me in my life have passed away without seeing me as the person I am today. They've gone to their grave thinking I was utterly awful.

If you're not already - go vegan. Best thing I ever did. You can make 'amends' by giving something back to those who can't defend themselves

No need to ‘make amends’ by going vegan!

Is your mental health OK? This sounds like intrusive, negative thoughts which can be a symptom of a MH issue.

Go vegan to atone is the suggesting the day

I rather like @100problems inner twat comment
I think you are being rather hard on yourself.
Like you OP I did things I'm not particularly proud of but not criminal etc, but I feel as an adult I'm making much better decisions. I actively try to be a good person and being nice comes far more naturally than not being nice.
I get far more from giving than taking. That being said, I'm buggered if I'm becoming a vegan

Going vegan to make amends for being a bit of a nob is extreme. Don't do that unless you actually want to.

Part of being human is growing and changing, 20s-you lived in a totally different environment to current-you and had a completely different set of life experiences. You're a work in progress, OP and 20s-you was the early draft not thr finished product.

Waits for Hitler was a vegetarian comment

Was kinda expecting those replies, as I'm not too good at putting my point across😄 but what I meant was do good things now, today, whatever that may be for you - give to charity, volunteer, go vegan... start creating good karma🐷

@Saisissant I think your general philosophy is great.

I feel ashamed at some of the things I did in my past. I try not to dwell on them, and concentrate on the change of behaviour since then. Mine stemmed from social anxiety issues, which I've worked on once I decided to get help.

I went through a traumatic time and became a selfish, nasty bitch for a few years. I was bitter and hurt. Now I look bad and I am utterly ashamed however I always tell myself 'hurt people, hurt people' and recognise my own growth. Self awareness is paramount to growth and becoming a nicer person. As long as you strive never to be that person again, I don't think you can keep looking back and punishing yourself.

Don’t give your self such a hard time. You need to work on forgiving your self. You sound very self aware and come across as a decent person with positive intentions, and actually those things are what matter most. You have become a better person now, having learnt from your past experiences. You need to let go now of your past. Let the burden go and continue to live a good life.

"Don't look back, you're not going that way" is a phrase that is useful to remember in these times. OK so you could be bit of a nob 20ish years ago, but now you're not. I wasn't exactly a nice person back then either and often get embarrassed by some of the stuff I said/did, but I think I am now. I don't think anyone was particularly nice during those years yet I have no grudges against anyone. So I would imagine those you weren't nice to don't really remember or realise.

I feel the same as you OP, I had a group of friends and I guess they really brought my bitchy side out, I can’t make excuses as I was fully responsible for my own actions, but I look back at the way I behaved and some of the things I said and I feel very ashamed. It was nothing illegal and I didn’t bully anyone, but it was catty remarks about people behind their backs, spending a lot of social time just running people down. I have a different group of friends now and I’m not like that at all anymore, but I feel very ashamed about it still.

That's kind Evenphilip thank you.
Op, I did something last year that I deeply regret and have no way of changing the outcome. The only thing I can do is imagine their face and tell them I'm sorry, and then say sorry to myself for behaving that way.
Would visualising saying sorry be helpful in forgiving yourself?
Hope you find a way.

Go vegan

“We do the best we can until we know better. When we know better, we do better.”

OP, you sound like a reflective person who actively wants to be a force for good in the world. Don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. Be who you clearly are now and be a friend to yourself; you sound lovely