Funeral anxiety and etiquette

[OpheliaABC]

I've never been to a funeral in the UK and feel quite nervous and anxious. There will be a crematorium service and a pub wake.

1. What can I expect to happen in both locations? How long do they last? Service starts at 2. Will the pub wake run into the late night? Will people drink a lot and try to have fun, or just have a quiet couple of drinks and head home? Will there be food? I have food intolerances but don't want to bother the hosts about these and they didn't ask. Not sure how to handle food - should I leave for a bite at some point and come back?

2. Invite says to be yourself when choosing the clothes and to channel your inner rock chick (she was, and I am to some extent too). To just dress like you used to when you went to see her when she was still alive. Is it still best to dress in dark conservative clothes to be on the safe side?

3. What should I definitely bring? Should I give anything to her family?

4. I won't know anyone at the funeral and wake. Should I try to speak to people to introduce myself and mingle, and share memories of the decesead and so on - what is the etiquette there?

Thank you so much in advance.

Hugely variable. Service up to an hour unless a Roman Catholic Mass. is there a crematorium as well or burial? However ime wakes are just a few hours with light food and drinks provided, maybe some speeches sharing memories. Dress as you feel comfortable. There is usually a note about flowers or donations on the announcement.

1. About half an hour for the service. Wake variable, and hour or 2, but could go on longer, you won't have to stay. Have lunch before you go then you won't need the buffet if it doesn't suit
2. They've explicitly said dress like you would have when alive, so no you don't need to wear dark
3. Don't need to bring anything
4. Yes introduce yourself to main mourners/family and share a memory

1) What can I expect to happen in both locations? How long do they last? Service starts at 2

Usually a crematorium service is relatively short, IME, and they tend to be strictly scheduled as there will be one before 'yours' and one pretty immediately afterwards. I'd certainly not expect it to run on for more than 40 minutes.

Will the pub wake run into the late night? Will people drink a lot and try to have fun, or just have a quiet couple of drinks and head home? Will there be food? I have food intolerances but don't want to bother the hosts about these and they didn't ask. Not sure how to handle food - should I leave for a bite at some point and come back?

The length of the wake is impossible to predict! But usually they are very positive and somehow celebratory events. Some people might leave after a short period of time, some may stay and party. You just do whatever you feel most comfortable with (especially if you don't know anyone else there). There's no obligation to stay for a set length of time.

Re the food, yes I certainly wouldn't bother the hosts. If it's in a pub, most likely they will have laid on things like sandwiches. If I were you, I'd aim to have a big breakfast so I wouldn't be too hungry at the wake - and then just play it by ear when you see what's available.

2) Invite says to be yourself when choosing the clothes and to channel your inner rock chick (she was, and I am to some extent too). To just dress like you used to when you went to see her when she was still alive. Is it still best to dress in dark conservative clothes to be on the safe side?

What they're basically saying here is that you don't need to turn up wearing black from head to toe. Wear what you feel is comfortable, and that reflects the relationship you had and times spent with her.

3) What should I definitely bring? Should I give anything to her family?

You don't need to bring anything or gift them anything. There will most likely be a collection plate at the crematorium, for a charity of her/their choice, so you could give cash to that. I'd generally aim for £10-20, depending on how close you were. (Obviously assuming you can afford that!)

4) I won't know anyone at the funeral and wake. Should I try to speak to people to introduce myself and mingle, and share memories of the decesead and so on - what is the etiquette there?

No particular etiquette, but yes try and mingle if you feel comfortable.

And I'm sorry for your loss

In a crematorium I wouldn’t expect the service to be more than half an hour.

Wakes vary massively but you don’t have to stay it’s fine to just show your face have a drink and then leave. Or even not do that bit at all.

I would take some change with you as their will likely be a collection at the service

It just says Memorial Service at the crematorium and reception in the pub. Not a religious service I don't think. When I asked about gifts/donations/flowers they said they've got it all sorted.

Sorry for your loss.

1. The duration of the wake depends on the family usually. Most commonly for the ones I've been to it's a couple of hours with a buffet and a cup of tea. The buffet can range from hot food through to just a cake. If the crematorium is at 2 then you'll have already had lunch so if there is nothing suitable for you then you can just abstain. For a younger person's funeral we have ended up in the bar until late but it wasn't planned by the family. Most of the older family members left after a couple of hours and we continued on on (at our own cost obviously). If you don't want to stay long at the wake just go in, pay your respects to the family (I.e. say hello and have a brief chat) then leave.
2. Wear whatever you are comfortable in.
3. A sympathy card if you haven't already sent one. Have some cash for a donation at the crematorium. This isn't essential though.
4. Yes - if you are comfortable with that. How did you know x? Is usually a good starter.

Services vary in length depending on the family's wishes, some have hymns some don't. There are usually printed order of service that you are allowed to take home and keep. After the service everyone goes out the back where flowers (if requested) are on display and the family thank people individually for coming. Then people go to the wake of they want to which usually lasts for a couple of hours. Food is usually light like sandwiches, sausage rolls etc.

Flowers are sometimes from the family only, with donations from others if they wish. There will be a collection box for donations near the door where you leave after the service.

You don’t have to go to the wake if it will make you uncomfortable. As you don’t know the family they will be pleased that you went to the Crematorium as this is the most important part.

If you want, just stay for one drink, then say goodbye to the main mourner.