I need to grow a backbone

[lavenderlove]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can recommend a course/ give some tips on how to not be such a massive people pleaser/ become more assertive? It's something I've struggled with my entire life but I feel like it's somehow getting worse and more embarrassing as I get older.

Some examples of my behaviour, I will take the blame for things at work because I don't want to correct someone, I will leave the room and feel physically sick if someone is having what I think is a confrontational conversation, I say yes to everything unless I have a really good reason to say no, if I have to cancel plans/ let someone down (this has to be quite extreme circumstances) I will write out a long explanation or call them and then feel really bad afterwards even though I rationally know they aren't that bothered. I just want everyone to like me which is the biggest problem!

I have a decent job, have worked with people all my life and have a good group of friends. I'm much better with people I'm close to but the only person I am happy to confront is my husband. I think that's because I am confident of what his reactions are but I'm not sure!

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading!

I'm the same, and I want to do something about it! My problem stems from a very overbearing but emotionally unstable mother.

Hopefully someone will come along and suggest a good book or course for us!

It seems you have done really well in relationships, negotiating work, friends and marriage. In assertiveness training, they say, use l statements. Such as, if a colleague says, 'you jammed the printer', you reply. 'I did not jam the printer'. Other egs: I don't have the time to do that task. I don't like how you are speaking to me. Start with smaller subjects and it will become a habit.

@

@veronicagoldberg hopefully! Sorry it stemmed from your mum.

@Datada I think I have done ok as I'm good at getting everyone to like me! Thanks I will try that, I think I could start small.

@ElenaSt thanks I will download that book now!

I am getting better at avoiding people I know will take advantage of me. I have just recently cut off a "friend" as she started getting me to pay for everything and then not transferring me the money. I actually did ask her for it the last time and she said she would send it then didn't. I didn't dare confront her about this though so I have just not replied to her since (she has only sent one message about a new top she bought to change the subject) . I know it's not nice to ghost people but I sometimes do that to avoid the confrontation.

I used to be like this. I can't really pinpoint how I learned not to.

I think it's possible that it began around the time my ex left and I had to learn to be self reliant. I guess part of that meant prioritising my energy and working out what to invest in and what I need to not worry about.

I also think that people ultimately are so wrapped up in themselves, the stuff we place as important someone else hasn't given a second thought to.

Slow process but you'll get there.

You need some stock phrases

Oh I’ll think about it and get back to you

• gives you time to reflect

Ask yourself ‘do I want to do this’ if no - say so ‘thanks for asking I really appreciate the thought but it’s not my cup of tea/not possible.

The thing I find with people pleasers is I’m never sure if they actually want to do the thing I’m asking, trip out, help with something, need assistance, and you don’t actually know where you stand with them, even down to asking opinions they say what they think you want to hear, it’s annoying

Think about that perspective and be honest with yourself and other people.

"The thing I find with people pleasers is I’m never sure if they actually want to do the thing I’m asking, trip out, help with something, need assistance, and you don’t actually know where you stand with them, even down to asking opinions they say what they think you want to hear, it's annoying."

^This

I used to be a people pleaser then I realised I was actually irritating people by not having my own opinions. Now I just say what I want, politely of course 😂

I started online Adult Learning courses in a variety of subjects such as mental health, resilience, anxiety and autism awareness. As well as being very informative the courses increased my confidence in ways that I never expected.