What does your 10/11yr old’s bedtime look like?

[Shinyseas]

Basically I need some ideas.

My 10yr old son’s bedtime is usually about 8.30 but it often ends up being much later as he faffs about, takes ages, and finds it hard to settle. He’ll go into the bathroom at about 8, then I end up having to chivvy him along to do teeth etc. He’s aware of what he needs to do but unless I literally stand over him, he gets distracted, starts playing music , gets his football books out or just generally faffs. Some of this is genuine lack of focus I think, but some is definitely deliberate procrastination.

I’ve always read with him since he was tiny and he doesn’t want to give that up yet (have asked him).

So I’m usually hanging about, waiting for him to get into bed, then we read a bit. It’s either then lights out (usually about 8.45 by now sometimes later) or if he’s really awake, I let him read on by himself.

I’d like to shake things up a bit as I rarely get much downtime in the evening and I want him to be more self sufficient. He’s about to turn 11 which seems like a good opportunity for change.

Any advice or ideas?

My 11yo has quite a set routine as he's autistic but he goes in the shower at 7.45 and usually spends about half an hour in the shower / cleaning teeth / faffing. Once he's in pjs and in bed we come and say good night and the he can read until he's ready to fall asleep but he's not allowed to mess about or get up and down bothering everyone. He takes sleep medication so he's usually asleep by 9 after reading for 45 minutes.

I have a 10, nearly 11 year old DS and we've moved to doing story earlier in the evening - so 7/730 after they've all got through bath/ shower and into pjs.

Then once that is done he has screentime/watches tv/ faffs around until he goes to bed at 9 (via teeth cleaning) and either reads or listens to music until lights out at 9:30. My input is minimal and I don't feel I'm hanging around other than checking he's done his teeth.

They go up, get changed, get reminded to brush their teeth and get into bed and read. I tuck them in, give them a kiss and tell them to turn their light out at nine. 8.30 seems very early for a 10 year old

My 10 year old goes to bed at 9 on weekdays 9.30 at weekends. It is going up to 9.15 when she turns 11 next week. She goes up brushes teeth and i read a bit to her. She's pretty good once she goes up.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one with a faffing 10 year old.

School night's are supposed to be 8.30pm doing teeth and getting ready. It used to be 8.30pm was in bed but I do feel it's time to extend it a little bit.
So, generally speaking he's in bed for 9pm after half an hour of faffing. Longer if he's chancing his arm. I suggest lights out at 9.30. He's aways been a really early riser and doesn't seem to need a huge amount of sleep but I do like him to be in bed for 9 so we can have a bit of an evening. I don't go to bed that late these days so I don't want to have to stay up too late to get some downtime.

Weekends and holidays have become a bit of a free for all to be honest which is fine to a certain extent now he's old enough (in theory) to entertain himself. If we want to watch a film or programme that isn't suitable we will pack him off at 9ish and he is allowed to go on the ipad for a bit. Or he sits in with his older brother for a bit.

Since we've relaxed I've noticed that he will self regulate a bit more. So if he's tired he'll sometimes go up earlier of his own accord which never happened before. He would sit bleary eyed for those last few minutes until his "official" bedtime.

He doesn't want storytime with me any more but sometimes likes a tuck in. I think it's lovely some still do. And every now and again his favourite thing is still to snuggle in with me and sleep in my bed. They are such a transitional stage at this age. Desperate to be older and treated older but still so little in other ways.

I think I’d be more relaxed about the time if, once he’s in bed, that’s it. But quite often he’ll be calling out - nothing bad happening, he just wants me to come and give him a hug, or he’ll be asking about something related to football/school/completely random sh**te. The hug thing isn’t because he’s worried (I’ve done the gentle questionning, he just doesn’t want to end his day]).

There is maybe a boundary issue. Past 9pm is mum’s time etc. I’ve said this literally over and over - said nicely, less nicely and shouted it , but no joy. It’s not like that every night but I think generally he needs a better understanding of bedtime being it. I’m a single parent, so it’s mainly him and I, which I think doesn’t help. If there were 2 adults downstairs, having dinner etc, it does help to reinforce the idea of ‘adult’ time.

Maybe 9pm is my cutoff, then, and as long as he’s in bed, he can read until 9.30. Seems late to me but maybe this is normal? He’s usually up at 6.30am so it’s not like he’s lying in.

Cross-post Breathmiller. Interesting, your son sounds similar to mine in that he’s an early riser too and drags things out when it’s time to go to bed.

Perhaps relaxing it is the way to go. See what happens with this. Worried I’ll be going to bed at 10 and he’s still awake tho! This has happened, when I’ve just given up and turned all the lights off and got into bed ie game over!

DD is 11, nearly 12 and I swear it takes longer to get her to sleep than when she was a toddler so much faffing! No tips - but you are not alone!

I have virtually zero input into DS's bedtime. He's 11- in Y7.

At about 8.30pm I shout to him to go upstairs. That's it.

He has a shower if he wants one (sometimes does it in the morning) and cleans his teeth. Then he's allowed his tech until either DH or I go upstairs which is usually 9pm ish. After that he can read or listen to an audiobook on Alexa.

I don't have anything to do with what happens after telling him to go upstairs though and it's been that way for at least a year.

My 10yo (year 5) is my eldest, so I'm probably still too "hands on" really. I do the little ones' bath first 6.45-7ish, then the 10yo gets in the shower while I do the little ones' story. I chivvy him along once I've finished story time, make sure he's brushing his teeth properly (I understand this is "babying", but he's already got one filling 😬) Then I stay and chat with him a bit, 7.30-7.50ish, then he reads for 20/30 mins and I go back in, kiss goodnight, and turn his light off for about 8.15.

With younger siblings/toddlers awake at the crack of dawn, it works much better for us to have everyone in bed on the earlier side. And I find even the 10yo is less obstructive when he's not too tired.

My 10 year old still goes to bed at 7.30! They're up for school at 6.30am and he's a horror on anything less than 10 hrs sleep, so at 7.20 they go up, do their teeth, get into bed.

Last week both kids put themselves to bed earlier cos they were shattered.

10 year old dd. If she's having a bath she gets in at about 7.30. At 8pm she does teeth and gets in pjs, 8.15 we start reading (she also still likes being read to), finish around 8.45/9 then she gets into bed and reads to herself for a bit before sleep (I don't set a time limit on this but she usually only reads to herself for 15/20 minutes).

Sorry didn't quite finish your op! Could you do your reading with him earlier? Like reading together after dinner rather than before bed, then he can read to himself in bed and you get a bit more downtime.

I think with that much faffing you need to start the process earlier ot be stricter on the going back up to answer questions, give hugs etc. DS is 11 and at 9 we tell him to brush his teeth and get into bed, 5 minutes later DH goes up checks he is in bed, brings his phone downstairs to charge up and turns his light off. Dont hear or see him again until morning.

Eldest is 9 but his bedtime is pretty much, 'time for bed. Nooooooo five more minutes! Hell no. Go do your teeth.

Sulks off to bathroom and brushes teeth. Comes out, hug and kiss goodnight. Goes to bed, has tablet for 10 minutes then sleep but he's usually asleep by the time I remember that I said 10 minutes and go in to take the tablet.

I couldn't be doing with your routine, it would get on my nerves. He'd pretty much grown out of all that by the time he was 6 or 7. My (just) 6 year old doesn't really do it either, though she hates toothpaste so brushing teeth is always a battle but going to bed in itself isn’t too much of a performance.

I'd maybe be looking at why your son is needing so much reassurance and seems so anxious and reluctance to go to bed. IME It isn't normal behaviour at his age. Is he being bullied or having bad dreams maybe?

I have a 9 year old and 14 year old and I think around this age you move away from kids to bed then it's grown up time.
As they get older they're up later and I share more of my evening with them, however most of the time they are in their rooms.
So yeah, get your bit out of the way earlier then just shout up 'lights out now' or whatever later on.

What happens in the morning is also a large part of it. Just like with adults with early starts etc.

Ds wakes up a 6am every single morning regardless of amount of sleep or what day it is. So he needs to go to bed earlier. I've some friends whose kids can sleep till 9 / 10 / 11am - obviously they can go to bed at any time!