How to politely but firmly decline?

[Gardeninspring]

Hello,
I'm struggling a bit at the moment with anxiety and I feel down. Nothing major, it's due to having a lot on my plate and I'm working through a lot of personal things. I don't have the headspace to be around many people at present, just DH and my DC etc so not up for meeting friends. I know that sounds awful but I just cannot cope with socialising. I've been added onto a WhatsApp group for a night out by a lovely mum at my daughter's school and also on the group are lots of other people who I don't know, she's actually the only one I do know. (My daughter has not long joined the school so haven't had chance to get to know many mums). I messaged her privately to thank her for the invitation but I wouldn't be able to make it. She asked me why not and offered to change the date to accommodate me. The truth is I don't want to go but don't feel comfortable giving the reason why. I feel that whatever I say, she will come up with a solution so that I can attend, IYSWIM. I have mentioned childcare issues as my DH works late some evenings but she's said we will reschedule when he can have my DC. I don't want to disclose my personal business to her and tell her I'm anxious and overwhelmed. I just feel awful for appearing antisocial but on the verge of tears at the same time for feeling isolated. It's an odd feeling . I know this sounds awful but I feel like I want to be left alone but don't want to hurt her feelings

If she asks again, simply say 'it is very kind of you but I will give this a miss this time thanks. '

You could try being honest?

“it’s really kind of you but can I be honest eat? I am suffering from some anxiety at the moment and the idea of a big group meet is really hard for me. I’d love to get to know everyone but I know I can’t cope with this event. Hope you understand.”

Just say ‘it’s really kind of you and I really appreciate the invitation - another time I would absolutely love to but to be honest with you I’ve got a huge amount going on at the moment (I won’t bore you with the details!) and really just need to focus on sorting it all out. Please don’t take it as a brush off though, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and the others. It’s just one of those times at the moment! But thanks so much for being so welcoming, I do honestly appreciate it so much!’

If she’s as nice as you say she’ll understand and let it drop for now. If I got that message I would accept it without any offence and keep an eye out for anything I could do to help you.

"I'm sorry I cannot afford to socialise at this moment in time" , regardless of if you can or not. She sounds pushy Op

Btw, I realise you said you didn’t want to disclose your anxiety but you should ask yourself why not, as it’s the truth.

Either you pretend you’re not anxious and overwhelmed and go along, so as not to appear antisocial (fake it til you make it, might be a good experience); disclose the truth (hopefully to be met with compassion and understanding); or you politely decline again all reasonable adjustments and look antisocial - which is also the truth, I guess, because you’re not feeling sociable!

It's very rude of people to keep pushing. Just keep reiterating that you can't make it because you have a lot on.

No don't worry Liz no need to reorganise the date, to be honest I've just got a lot of personal stuff on over the next few months and won't be going out much at all. Have a great time and I'll let you know when things change, hopefully we can have a proper night out later in the year x

Thanks, just difficult isn't it when you don't want to offend. She has good intentions as I'm sure the of the mums on the group do too. Yes you're right it's pushy, that's what's making me feel awkward. If I say I'm anxious she will ask why, I know it.

Bloody hell really?! If she starts asking any further just say "oh I won't go into it, just a few personal things I'm dealing with" and if she STILL carries on I'd be avoiding her altogether. Can't stand overbearing people like that!

“That’s kind, but no thank you. Have a great evening.”

I think some posts are a bit harsh. You're new to the area and a mum friend is trying to include you in a night out with the other mums, I'm sure she's trying to be kind.

I'd just say you have alot going on and can't really socialise at the moment but hope you can join in something, perhaps later in the year.

I went on an assertive course once. I still struggle with being assertive but I remember that you are just meant to keep repeating your initial response

So whatever you replied to her on the first occasion just copy and paste it again

She'll get the message. You don't need to give a reason. FWIW she is probably just trying to be accommodating and doesn't realise she's coming across as a bit pushy

No thanks, but have fun xx

@Gardeninspring

Thanks, just difficult isn't it when you don't want to offend. She has good intentions as I'm sure the of the mums on the group do too. Yes you're right it's pushy, that's what's making me feel awkward. If I say I'm anxious she will ask why, I know it.

I would echo what pp said, be honest, it might be helpful to have an ally and somebody else that may be able to help with anxiety. If she asks why and you don't want to tell her just say it's not something I want to talk about right now but thank you for being supportive

I say this as somebody who suffers with anxiety and wish there were somebody that gave a shit, and as somebody who would love to be invited on a night out!!!!

Annoying pushy.

Say ‘Thanks but no thanks as I’ve got a lot on at the moment’.

*Annoyingly

"I'm not up for groups of people I don't know at them moment so prefer to keep it one on one or 3 others max"

" Hi, that sounds lovely, but I won't be able to join you this time around. Looking forward to the next one, so keep me posted!, love etc.

No need to reschedule, I just have a lot of things on at the moment so please go ahead without me and have fun. I’ll see you at school, it’s been good to get to know the other parents so thanks for the invitation and sorry I can’t manage it this time.

Ah ok, I was going to suggest being truthful but if you suspect she will keep digging then there's no point. Asking 'why' when it comes to anxiety or other mental health issues shows a lack of understanding and it's not your responsibility to manage that.

What about something like 'I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all better and appreciate you trying to accommodate me but unfortunately I'm definitely not going to be able to make this one. Hope you have a great time though and keep me posted about the next meet up!'.

I think that's firm enough to resist pushback, you're not giving her anything to 'solve', whilst making clear it's not a 'no' for every future event.

I do hate that if you say no its like well when can you do-take the bloody hint