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My child has become violent

36 replies

purpleme12 · 15/04/2022 20:25

I don't know my child anymore
She's so angry
She screams in my face, is aggressive, will pull me, push me, pull my clothes, bite
Never really hard but I'm sure there's time for that unfortunately
Nothing I do works
Apart from cuddle and singing
Today was awful
She's past listening to what I say and in the end I had to pick her up and put her in her room. Which of course lead to more banging on the door. I don't feel I can control her anymore
She blames it on me saying I'm mean and rude
It's my fault
I don't know where I went wrong with her
I'm so worried each day it will kick off again

OP posts:
shabbalabba · 15/04/2022 21:21

I wish ppl would stop automatically jumping on the ADHD and Autism bandwagon. There are literally lots of reasons for behavioural changes and outbursts.
@purpleme12 you said there's something going on. I appreciate you didn't say exactly what that was for a reason but it would be helpful to know as it would give perspective. Lots of things can affect behaviour,

Scarby9 · 15/04/2022 21:24

You are being cryptic, which is fair enough, but you do say that there is something going on and you are not sure if it is affecting her behaviour.

As a primary teacher, if I had a fiver for every time a child began to behave out of character and a parent denied there could be any out of school reason, only for a clear potential reason to later emerge, I would have retired a long time ago.

I remember one time when a previously happy, willing 8 year old child came in to my class on a Monday morning after a half term sulky, aggressive and refusing to do anything or to talk about what was wrong.

Extremely worried, I spoke to the mum at hometime who told me nothing had changed at home and she hadn't noticed any difference in him.

It was only the next day when another child tipped me off that I was able to tentatively ask the mum if anything had happened over the half term within the family? She then told me that she had thrown his dad out and moved her new boyfriend in to the home in the space of a week, 'but it hasn't affected him at all'.

So do please consider if this sudden change in behaviour is your child attempting to communicate or at least reacting to whatever it is that is going on. Chilren lack power in the adult world so don't always know how they are 'allowed' to respond, and they also often lack the vocabulary to explain how they are feeling. It comes out in different ways to the ways an adult might react.

purpleme12 · 15/04/2022 21:25

@shabbalabba

I wish ppl would stop automatically jumping on the ADHD and Autism bandwagon. There are literally lots of reasons for behavioural changes and outbursts. *@purpleme12* you said there's something going on. I appreciate you didn't say exactly what that was for a reason but it would be helpful to know as it would give perspective. Lots of things can affect behaviour,
Neighbours have been and still are harassing us

Her dad has ADHD. I know it can be hereditary so it's something I wonder about with all this...
But I don't know

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 15/04/2022 21:27

I just wish I knew the cause for definite
I don't know because it's all just possibilities at the minute isn't it

OP posts:
Daisy1245 · 15/04/2022 21:30

Have private messaged you op

Threeinclay · 15/04/2022 21:33

Autism/ ADHD are perfectly valid possibilities - girls can present very differently to boys and often mask to an incredible degree around others, but then explode at home. Very common to be diagnosed much later. Research autism in girls to see if it resonates.

Also look up Yvonne Newbold/ Newbold Hope for support and other parents facing similar challenges.

Finally the book The Explosive Child is highly recommended for a different parenting approach.

Toloveandtowork · 15/04/2022 21:36

My son age ten is like this and I'm on my knees. I certainly haven't got the energy or internal resources to love bomb him as one poster suggested. I go into fight or flight energy mode all the time he is around. His nervous energy, demands and intensity directed solely towards me is killing me.
I'd advise getting professional help, op.
My son's dad also has ADHD

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2022 21:40

No one jumped on adhd/asd bandwagon. They've responded to OP saying she's considered it as her dad has adhd.

OP. If she's getting like this because if demands and requests it's likely she's having trouble communicating her emotions.

I'd work on talking to her when she's calm about it being fine to be upset by something but it's not ok to hurt.

Teach her some strategies and some sentences she can use to communicate with you.

Have very clear boundaries and stick with them but pick your battles.

Also speak to the school and ask if they have an emotional literacy support assistant. (ELSA). They can also help her to learn to identify emotion and communicate them correctly.

purpleme12 · 15/04/2022 21:46

When I talk to her about it later she says she's angry and she can't help it

I have spoken to school but with it being the Easter holidays it's a bit delayed.

It's just really hard

OP posts:
NotMeNoNo · 15/04/2022 22:14

Having had 8 years of this, try and help her feel safe. You will not discipline, sticker or punish her to behave better. She is a desperate and frightened little girl struggling with big feelings such that even “put your toys away” feels like a declaration of war.

Have you got anything that works to calm her- indoors or out - favourite cartoon, teddy, trampoline? If you can use that after a bit she may ask for it and you can catch situations before they go nuclear. Then you can try to lighten the mood with a bit of humour, and sort of give her an emotional lifeline and hopefully end up with a cuddle. Like if music helps, go for some silly songs or pretend to get the words mixed up and make her smile.

You have to dig deep to do all this in the moment so you need support and self care yourself Flowers.

purpleme12 · 16/04/2022 03:26

Thank you for all the replies
Sometimes I wonder if she is desperate and frightened underneath the bravado
I am worried for her and us

OP posts:
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