I could with some gentle advice

[Iwantababyadvice]

I am mid-late 20s. I am circa 23st. I'm lesbian and to be quite honest I really do not want a partner. I have never had a partner, so not sure what I'm missing. I do not need a partner to have a baby, and even if I did have a partner we would still need to do donor conception. I do have mental health issues (previous psychosis) and autism (aspergers just for clarity), hence the need for gentle advice, does not need to be too gentle though. I would need to come off my medication if possible, but my psychiatrist said it is not compulsory but advised. Obviously the medication questions are for him not for you people, but any experience would be awesome.

Obviously I need to lose weight ( I have already lost 4 st). I have plenty money saved up for the process. I just need to lose another 7-8st at least.

I want to start the process in 3 years time. This gives me plenty time, I think.

I have to say I do get a bit excited about babies and children. I am working my way through One Born Every Minute, and so far it has not put me off. No idea whether it is realistic though, it is a TV show after all, so cannot be too realistic.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My plan does it seem reasonable?

Does this all sound reasonable?

Thank you.

Plenty of women who are overweight have babies and many of them end up bringing up the child alone. What other support do you have and financial security?

Wishing you the best of luck. One thing you haven't mentioned is finances - so you might want to think about that if you haven't already, while you still have plenty of time to plan.

I do have great support, my dad and mum will live about a 5 minute drive away, one retired, one working. I will have a large 2 bedroom bungalow, with low bills. I own a large car. My income is just over 1000pm, due to benefits and a part time job. I have only just started the part time job (self employed), and I can easily increase the hours if I wish, due to the nature of the job and demand in that area of work. Really I am very very well supported and privileged. I'm exceptionally lucky.

Obviously the benefits will not last forever or even long term. So I am saving as much as I can. I live at home currently, so I spend about a ⅓ on bills, gym and fun stuff and I save the rest, so I will have as much of a cushion as possible.

Childcare costs A LOT. I say this because even knowing it academically, i am slightly floored when £1100 leaves my account monthly for 5-day a week nursery for dc2 and £500 for breakfast club/afterschool club for dc1.

Be aware that if you need to work, you either need a good relationship with enthusiastic nearby relatives who would love to have your child and who you trust, or you need to pay for it. If you don’t work, benefits are limited and leave you with little money, and you would be strongly urged to look for work when the baby is nursery age.

None of that is insurmountable, it’s just something to be aware of (and of course, your fees maybe cheaper, i’m in the SE).

Otherwise, only you know if this is right for you. I am not gay, but strongly considered this route before i met dh and would have done it if i hadn’t met him. My biological clock kicked in in my 30s with a clang you could probably hear from space

I recently read this blog: autisticuk.org/autistic-mothers-experiences-of-breast-and-formula-feeding-babies-what-does-the-evidence-say/
And while feeding choices are the topic, it did raise some interesting points about how people 'normally cope' with their autism and how this is challenged with a newborn. Might be food for thought, and given that you are planning ahead, you will have time to think about/investigate your strategies if needed.
I expect there may be other useful articles there too.
Also, on the point of meds, it is worth discussing them with your Dr as some are ok to continue while pregnant, if the risk of being without them is greater than the risk of continuing. Many people (and I was included) are reluctant to take meds for mental health conditions when pregnant, but there were options that were ok.
If they want to to come off then, you have time to do so and put other support into place if needed, or to reconsider if you do not remain well without meds.

I think my only concern would be able how you would safeguard your mental health being previously unwell and a single parent. Sleep deprivation is very difficult and PND/A/P are more common than you would expect. Would you have facilities for childcare in the early days (a family member etc) so you can continue seeing your psychiatrist?

Don't underestimate how utterly relentless, tiring and thankless parenting is. It literally sends very stable, well off women to the edges of sanity. The exhaustion and worry is decades long.
I thought I was well prepared, supportive partner, good network of friends, family, savings and stable finances, reasonable health, good mental health. Nothing can prepare you.

I think a bath deserves better than this

I would get this moved to the neuro diverse mumsnetters

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

They are probably best placed to help advise you on things that NT people may not anticipate.

Honestly though having kids is exhausting I would be very careful with your mental health and discuss options for medication during pregnancy, you may find that if you go ahead that you may be in need of a little help and it’s good to know what the fallback position is. Things like pre-natal depression and post natal psychosis would be something to look at.

The sleep deprivation is a killer, are you certain of the support you will get? Your parents have definitely agreed to help you out?

Are you talking about going through fertility treatment as a single woman, or finding a male friend to provide sperm? Fertility treatment is very expensive and really has been the most stressful and all consuming experience of my life, even with the support of my DH. Perhaps look at whether clinics local to you are running any information sessions?

Fertility treatment is very expensive and I doubt a clinic would treat you unless you get your BMI down to 30 or under so I think you're looking at losing at least 10 stone depending on your height, probably more. I would spend the money you have saved on weight loss surgery and then re-save for IVF. Depending on where you go and what drugs you need it might be £15k a cycle?

Get a therapist and talk with him or her about your motivation in bringing a baby into the world.

It's not just something everyone does when they get to a certain point in their lives; you need to be sure about what you want from this, what your expectations are of a child at various ages and stages, and most importantly what you are able to give to your future child. I'm not just talking finances here.

The pregnancy and birth are just the start of a lifelong relationship and complete commitment to the baby/ child/ teen/ adult.

How do you feel about this sort of long term relationship, especially with someone who will be completely dependent on you for many years?

@Sponge19

I think a bath deserves better than this

What does that mean @Sponge19?

OP, I think you'd be wise to chat this over with a therapist. Your plan sounds achievable on paper, but there will be pitfalls that you might not have considered. And there may be support that could help you achieve your plan while monitoring your mental health.

@Tigerteafor3

I think my only concern would be able how you would safeguard your mental health being previously unwell and a single parent. Sleep deprivation is very difficult and PND/A/P are more common than you would expect. Would you have facilities for childcare in the early days (a family member etc) so you can continue seeing your psychiatrist?

Childcare is not a problem, my dad and mum will happily help me out. They will support me 100%, thankfully, I'm very lucky.

@Rinatinabina

I would get this moved to the neuro diverse mumsnetters

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

They are probably best placed to help advise you on things that NT people may not anticipate.

Honestly though having kids is exhausting I would be very careful with your mental health and discuss options for medication during pregnancy, you may find that if you go ahead that you may be in need of a little help and it’s good to know what the fallback position is. Things like pre-natal depression and post natal psychosis would be something to look at.

The sleep deprivation is a killer, are you certain of the support you will get? Your parents have definitely agreed to help you out?

I live with my parents and will live 5 minutes away at some point in the future. And they have defintiely said they will support me. So thats not an issue, its just all the other stuff to consider.

Childcare might well be a problem. What if your parents become ill, or realise that at their age they can’t cope with long hours with a toddler?

Thank you for all the comments guys.

I'm definitely not doing weight surgery, thats a non negotiable point.

I do have a therapist so will talk it through.

I would ask yourself what the child's best interests are here. It feels like you are focusing a lot on your need to have a baby but it might be helpful to ask yourself whether it is right to deliberately bring a child into your situation. How might they feel and can you honestly say you could meet all their emotional, physical and intellectual needs? You seem to be relying on your parents alot but what if something happens to them? This does feel a little bit selfish to be honest, thinking about your desire rather than the child's needs.

How about starting with a puppy and seeing how you do taking care of him or her for four or five years - all the walkies, all the vet visits, all the training, socialising, all the attention and contact and scheduling your life around the needs of the puppy - with minimal help from your parents.

You could see how demanding or fulfilling you find it all, how it feels to be bound to another being.

Obv the puppy is for life. I'm not advocating adopting one and then discarding it.

Why does everyone say get a dog. Never understood that.

But I have a dog, I’m on my second dog, I also have a cat. I take care of them very well. I’m also a dog walker so take care of plenty other dogs too.

I could offer so much to a child. I don’t see why I need to justify myself though, so many people have children with out all this questioning of their ability. I have no doubt that I could good care of a child, which is why I want one so much I could give a child a great life.

All I asked was for some advice, I guess this mumsnet and should have expected a questioning of my ability as I’m disabled.

Thank you to the people who offered good advice.