Insecurity about friendships

[canichange]

I'm not really sure how to describe this, but I'll do my best.

I'm married with 2 small DC. I've never had loads and loads of friends, but have a small circle who I love and could(and have) call on. I feel very lucky to have them. Some are people I've met through a hobby, others I've met through the kids. DH is similar.

For as long as I can remember, I've been paranoid about not having enough friends. Every time I put on a party for one of my kids, I panic about who will want to come, guests not turning up etc. I was anxious about having a hen do before I was even engaged because I didn't think anyone would come (they did, it was great). I worry that people don't like me. I feel an almost jealousy when I see friends socialising with other friends. Why didn't they invite me? Are they better friends with that person than they are with me? Etc. I worry that people think I'm a looser who doesn't have any friends.

I don't feel particularly bored or lonely, but it's almost like I'm forcing myself to want more socialising.

I was bullied when I started university and I wonder if that's when it started. This didn't last long because I reported it and then moved unis. I had an amazing experience at the second uni, had lovely housemates etc.

Having read the recent thread about friends, I don't think I am massively unusual in the number of friends and contacts I've got, but it's a real insecurity of mine.

I think I'm a nice person, although obviously this thread makes me sound a bit crackers! I'd obviously never say 'why didn't you invite me' when I feel envious of seeing others socialising - I know that would be completely unreasonable and batshit 😂 - but I still want to overcome the feeling of 'I've been left out because no one likes me' or 'I've got no friends and no one is really bothered about me'.

Am I the only one who feels like this?!

How ironic that my thread about having no friends has received no responses!

You don’t sound crackers at all! When my DD was about 3 months old I cried because she didn’t have any friends 😂 I think programmes like ‘Friends’ etc have sold us the rhetoric that we should have a really close knit group of friends who live in each other’s pockets and anything less than that and you are an unlikeable failure

I feel a bit like this too. I don't think anyone would realise though. I'm quite a friendly person and make acquaintances very easily but turning them into true friendships is a bit more of a challenge.

I think for most people, life is just really busy and from threads on here, a lot of people are happy in their own company and aren't really looking to make new friends. I also think a lot of people are more insular after the pandemic.

You sound normal. I totally get that feeling of worry if people really like you-

You're not doing anything wrong. Keep up those friendships but also learn to be alone and do solo activities.

Life is supposed to be fun (as much as possible) not stressing over appearances and how many friends you can collect. As long as you enjoy life (as you already do, you're not bored etc), you need to stop comparing.

You're right, I need to stop comparing.

The silly thing is I am quite happy in my own company. I like to do things on my own, just me and the DCs or as a family when my DH isn't working. I'm one of those people who can always find things to do, so I'm never bored. It's like I just can't allow myself to be myself. Like myself isn't good enough. Like I need the approval of others to accept that my life and who I am is sufficient enough.

Or maybe it's that I'm worried my DCs will miss out if we're not socialising with other people all the time. They're only 4 and 3, so the truth is they're probably quite happy being just us. They're sociable children who go to school/nursery and are always keen to play with others, and have play dates etc with friends and cousins, it's just me!

I honestly could have written this post. I was bullied at school and never really fitted in but as I've got older I've made some friends. But it never feels like enough. I feel like social status and how often you go out with friends is something to be accountable for. Although I have friends I don't really have anyone to go out with at a weekend and that makes me feel sad. Sometimes I will try to arrange something and if it doesn't happen or if somethings arranged and it gets cancelled I feel like a loser that nobody likes. I cried the other day because my dd mentioned her friends parents still go out round town with friends. I've really limited my social media because I felt so sad when other people were out socialising.

I know this post is a month old but I came across it just today! I am so like this OP, right down to the irrational jealousy about friends meeting up with other friends!

I have primary aged DC and my eldest is quite reserved, only has a very small number of proper friends. I worry about it a lot, and I even feel like all the other children have loads of friends and it’s just my DC who doesn’t.

I was left out a lot in primary and on the end of some frenemy style bullying for a while so I think for me that’s where is must stem from.

I have enough friends and am at my happiest doing things just as a family, so I wish I wasn’t like this. Especially as I’m now turning my worries onto my DC!

I identify with this and wonder if it stems from primary for me. We moved around a lot and I went to loads of primaries where I needed to fit in quickly. Perhaps it's tribal.

Objectively I can see I have plenty of acquaintances and friends, I get invites to things. People view me as being social and comment on how busy I am.

That all goes out the window when I hear of something I'm not invited to and I feel about 5. I wish I could get rid of it as I know it's irrational and I really don't like it about myself.