Help me out of this hole

[Palease]

A bit of background: I am a software developer and never went back to my job after my first child in 2018 which was my choice. I’m now 42 and have another child. My husband has a software business that I work in sort of ad hoc, the rest of the time I’m a sahm.

I feel so lonely and isolated. I have friends but it’s just friends who I’ve made through the kids and who I’d meet up with for kids to see each other and us. I do struggle with social anxiety.

I need something for me. A job. Something. Just something of me that’s not to do with being a mum, wife or the house. Something I can have pride in. Something my husband is not better at than me (he’s also a software developer and v good at it).

The problem is though we don’t need the money so any job would just feel pointless. I am too old at 42 to go back to being a full time software developer. It’s all young men in their 20s and I can’t and quite frankly don’t want to keep up with all the new software languages. It’s not really a passion of mine. I take great joy in building software much like solving a maths equation but not much in learning about new ways of solving equations if that makes sense.

Any advice? I feel my life is over at 42. I am just a mum and wife. I’m empty. Drained. I have nothing to talk about. What’s the way out of this hole?

Can you do something for fun?

Like make game apps? I don't know if that's what your job covers.

I really want to learn all this stuff and make a game like sorority life but is free and doesn't have in app purchases.

Maybe you could teach people?

Volunteering? You have great transferable skills that would be an asset to many charities or not for profit organisations.

I have done years of different volunteering - anything from meals on wheels to organising fund raisers etc etc. I have so many friends that I've made through volunteering- plus a husband .

You say ‘we’ don’t ‘need’ the money, but that’s dependent on remaining married. IMO you, personally, need earning ability and a pension. Eg in case of relationship breakdown.

There’re return to software / recruitment of women initiatives in the tech sector. Would say you’ve done work for the business on your CV and look for a software role.

Most of us do jobs we don’t love that pay the bills!

Software is not just young men!

What about a role that works alongside software developers

• PRoject management
• business analyst
• quality testing
• web accessibility testing
• software architect

@Ragwort

Volunteering? You have great transferable skills that would be an asset to many charities or not for profit organisations.

I have done years of different volunteering - anything from meals on wheels to organising fund raisers etc etc. I have so many friends that I've made through volunteering- plus a husband .

I think I’d love this. I love working with people. I will have a look at what volunteering options there are near me.

Most of us do jobs we don’t love that pay the bills!
What has that got to with anything?

Software is not just young men!
It is in every firm I’ve worked in.

Business analysts are in demand. What about web design?

Or could you do a teaching qualification? There's a shortage of computing teachers as they can earn more in industry

Does your local library or community centre do sessions teaching older people IT skills you could volunteer at?
Or volunteering to teach IT skills at day centre for people with disabilities.

Volunteering can let you see areas you have a passion for which may lead on to employment in that area.

Web design is too boring. I used to create websites for small business and got so bored of that.

I wondered about computing but as I’m a web designer/software developer I just know about coding, I don’t know anything about computers so I don’t think I’m skilled enough for that. I would like like it as maybe then I could encourage more girls into the industry.

Also my mum was horrified when I suggested I got a full time job again. She said that the kids were so little and I would never get this time back. So I feel kind of paralysed.

I joined a theatre group while I felt a little similar, needed to be out there not just cooped in. It changed my life entirely.

A job's not pointless at all, the money could be used for something. I make money freelance while husband provides but I need that for me; makeup, drinks, meals out, treats for my daughter when out - I spend my money over his for our daughter when out and my money for my hobbies.

I suppose you get a free allowance from yours, which is great, but I like a nice bottle of wine of an evening and I use my money for that.

The world is endless, you can join a group around anything; writing, acting, singing, a choir (better for social anxiety as you're not centre of attention), sewing, knitting, book club, learn a language, learn a brand new skill - I'm about to learn all about computer hardware, I'm 40 and I want to take an exam around it and start fixing computers.

You can literally do anything you want.

Or volunteer, many places will need you; animal shelter, food bank, knitting club for hats for premature babies etc. etc. etc.

Just open a tab and put 'knitting groups YOUR CITY' and go from there.

If you have a bit of money do a MA in something you find interesting. You can often do it part time to fit around work. I did at your age and found I had an aptitude for it and it led to a change of career in an exciting direction. Interacting with the students young and old and the lecturers and learning was invigorating.

@NervousFlyer2022

If you have a bit of money do a MA in something you find interesting. You can often do it part time to fit around work. I did at your age and found I had an aptitude for it and it led to a change of career in an exciting direction. Interacting with the students young and old and the lecturers and learning was invigorating.

That sounds fabulous. I do love learning and despite having social anxiety, I love being around people and feeling part of something. My DH suggested a degree in psychology. I am interested in psychology (probably because of years of therapy) but I don’t think I could be a psychologist as I am really sensitive and peoples stories would really affect me.

tech-returners.breezy.hr/p/2e96b30c5f3301?utm_source=social&utm_medium=socialorganic&utm_campaign=techreturners

[quote Asmallgiraffe]tech-returners.breezy.hr/p/2e96b30c5f3301?utm_source=social&utm_medium=socialorganic&utm_campaign=techreturners[/quote]
Omg. I might actually apply. I’m getting palpitations here!! How did you find this?

@Palease in the industry. Do it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You might have had time out to raise a family, doesn’t mean you can’t get back in the game if you want to. It’s an ideal time - the world of work has had a shake up as a result of covid. Tech is massively in demand. Do a bit of upskilling and sell yourself. Enjoy it :)

[quote Asmallgiraffe]@Palease in the industry. Do it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You might have had time out to raise a family, doesn’t mean you can’t get back in the game if you want to. It’s an ideal time - the world of work has had a shake up as a result of covid. Tech is massively in demand. Do a bit of upskilling and sell yourself. Enjoy it :)[/quote]
No I am fairly confident about getting back in but this feels like a nice little taster. It’s my age that worries me. I’ve always been keenly aware how young and male most developers are.

Oh enjoy it! I know what you mean about the demographic…

How about software auditing or software safety assessment?

I mentioned paying bills because you mentioned your former job ‘not being a passion’. Few people earn a good living from their passion, but there’re often good things about jobs.

Your H being better than you are isn’t good reason to avoid a whole (well paid) field of work, for which you have experience and aptitude. If your U is self employed he could easily minimise maintenance for the DC in the event of divorce.

A key thing is earnings, to minimise your personal risks in the event of divorce. Tech is a well paid field with schemes for returners / women, so that seems the obvious choice as a path to a decent income.

Also I should add to the mix that I do work 2 days a week 9-3:30 for my husbands business on the app. He feels a bit hurt that I don’t want to work with him. He says it’s the family business and it would be strange helping someone else’s business by working for them rather than the one my husband is trying to improve.

I know what he means. I just feel so smothered by it all. The business is his and his business partners. We work from our home office. I’m not that great at it, which feels a bit humiliating when it’s your husband that can see your failings. If I were working for another company at least if my boss thought I was crap I could come home and talk to DH about it. DH has never said anything bad about my work, I just can tell he gets frustrated when I don’t understand what he’s explaining to me. That makes it worse and then I go blank and definitely cannot understand then.

Working with one’s partner is a minefield! And most people wouldn’t want to. Not at all U not to want to do it.

It also puts all the family’s eggs in one basket, and means your personal income is dependent on his goodwill. Too much risk for you personally.