I can't cope

[Frank22]

Posting here for traffic.

I'm really struggling and I don't know how to pull myself out of it.
Life just seems so so hard and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my parents is dying and the other is very poorly. I'm an only child and trying to juggle work, teens and helping them is very stressful.
Money is tight and I live in a house which is badly in need of decorating but I don't have the time or money to do it.
Have no real pension.
My daughter is going to uni in September and all her friends families are in a position to help them financially but I can't help her. Not sure how much student loan she will get as our wages are quite good but our outgoings are huge.
I can't help comparing our lives to the people around us and how we are failing(I know comparison is the thief of joy)

I cone home from work and can't wait to go to bed just to shut my mind off from intrusive thoughts.
I'm 50 this year and feel that I only have an old age of struggling ahead.
Can't afford therapy and long waiting list at doctors.

Sorry for the rant I just need to offload and ask for some coping mechanisms.
Thank you

Sorry things are so bad for you right now

I didn't want to read and run but don't really have any practical advice, hopefully somebody will be along soon to post some help. Can your teens step up a bit more around the house? Take some of the household chores off your plate? In the meantime, try not to think about the light at the end of the tunnel - you may not be able to see it but it is there. Just put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Thank you @Catsatonic

I just wish I could stop my brain from turning. X

Yeah, it sucks. I am in similar position and same age but with young children. Desperately need to improve my life but limited scope to do so and no energy or time.

I guess as your children are older they will soon be off to uni and then you will have more time to turn to sorting other things in your life. And as your children become financially independent you can funnel all of that money into retirement savings?

Get on the doctors waiting list even if wait is long. Charities offer free counselling too, though also long waiting lists.

Samaritans are free and good if you just want to vent to someone who makes you feel like they give a care about you.

I don't know if it's rude to ask but are you peri-menopausal? Lots of women ( myself included) find it harder to cope because of the peri menopause. Many Recommend HRT. Just a thought.

@JustPlainKnackered yes I am but I'm taking HRT.
It has worked really well for me and last year I felt great. Just felt so overwhelmed lately.
I've always been quite a low person and have history of depression in the family. But this real sense of doom is horrible.
I just can't shake it off

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

It sounds like what you are going through is incredibly difficult and would be for anyone.

Practically speaking can you ask the local authority for care help for your parents - DH had to do this for his DF - was sorted out quite quickly. That would take some pressure off you.

Teens/Uni - they will take into account your outgoings when deciding on financial input.

It seems really shit at the moment but it's important to remember these things won't last forever.

Do you take anti depressants? Would you be open to trying them? They have been life changing for me.

That sounds difficult OP.

I’m not a professional but can I make some suggestions? You need to think about things in bite size pieces and separate what you can control with what you can’t.

Firstly, DC going to Uni. So they have to get a job? Lots of people do so I don’t think you should even be worrying - cross that off your list. You’ll help in other ways.

Secondly pension. If you have no extra to spare don’t panic, nothing you can do and sounds like you have a house as an asset. Just put this to one side for now. We’ll all be working until we drop anyway!

Your parents . This is very tough. You’re an only so it all falls to you. Tell people how you’re feeling, ask for help and accept it so you can do your best for them without sacrificing yourself.

Decorating. If you do small bits at a time this is manageable and could improve your state of mind by achieving a small amount. However only you know if this is too much to take on right now or if it’s worth it to make you feel better.

Just think of one thing at a time and try not to get overwhelmed with piling everything on yourself all at once. If things don’t improve see your GP.

GL

Hi @Frank22
You said the antidepressants worked well last year , has anything changed since then ? Has your parents illnesses become worse ?
You say you can't cope but you are clearly doing all of the things needed to get through each day. What are your children like ? Do you get on OK?

OP did something in particular prompt this post today?
Myself, my mum and some colleagues have been feeling a sense of doom for a couple of days.
I know facts are facts, but some days there's a sense of doom accompanying things that we were coping all right with yesterday.

Anyway, I feel for you. Sending virtual hugs if you want them.

Thank you everyone.

@Fatasbuggery I'm on HRT not antidepressants. Relationship with children is good. They are really good kids.

I really appreciate all your replies. Maybe the illness with my parents has made me feel so much worse.

OP I feel for you. I could have written this myself. Parent with cancer, house needs decorating, dc going to Uni and can't help financially. To put the boot in further, DP has raging sciatica and can't work at the moment and doesn't get sick pay. I'm terrified. Like you, I'm trying to see the light but there isn't one at the moment. All I can say is that things never stay the same so I try to believe that things will improve eventually. Take care of yourself too.

Apologies @Frank22 my brain jumped ahead.
That is a massive positive that you have a good relationship with your children.
It does sound (very understandably) that your parents illnesses are affecting you maybe more than you think.
Is there anyone in rl that you can talk honestly with ?

Firstly, DC going to Uni. So they have to get a job? Lots of people do so I don’t think you should even be worrying - cross that off your list. You’ll help in other ways.

This is so true. My best friend at Uni had no financial help from parents at all - she had a loan and a part time job and managed fine. Obviously she wasn't rolling in it but she wasn't destitute either.

Forgive me if I've read it wrong, but I think your parents' health has tipped you over the edge?
I'll tell you what is going on for me: I'm not an only child, but I am the only one left in the country. That means I had to support my mum through the death of my dad, and I'm now trying to navigate what is likely the last year of my mum's life single-handed (and trying to find carers for her which is nigh on impossible here). Either one of those things is hard enough. If I was doing the two at the same time? I'm not sure I could cope.
If that sounds like you, having the other stresses in your life must seem insurmountable.
You may not feel it now, but you will find a way through. For my part, I eventually 'cracked' earlier on this year due to a condition that has prevented me from being able to work for the last six months. Ultimately, I reached out to my local NHS well-being service. I was surprised to be able to access help, as DC2 was badly let down three years ago. If you have a look, you might find you don't need a referral from a doctor - I was able to refer myself.
Would that be something you could do? It won't help your financial troubles, but it might help give you a bit of strength to face / deal with the other things going on.
FWIW, it's not uncommon for students these days to get a part time job to help them with money.
Is your DD your only child? Could you afford to get her to do some of the decorating for you (she does the work as her 'keep', you buy the materials)? If you have younger ones who could be trusted with a paint brush you could get them on board too.

I've thrown a lot at you there, but I hope at least some of what I've said is helpful.

@Frank22
Life is just so hard sometimes, I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Don't worry about not being able to find your daughter. She will not be the only one making her way without family funding.
Sometime difficult transition periods push us to make really beneficial changes in our lives maybe there is a new direction for you round the corner.

Thank you thank you

Yes I think the added strain of my parents has made things worse. You have all been so helpful and just putting this down has helped x