If you were bullied and hated school did it change how you approached your DC's education?

[Padderbadger]

I was badly bullied at school in the 90s and never really had any good friends. My parents did try to talk to the school but nothing got resolved. I really hated school and would often try to refuse to go. I also had a few bad experiences with teachers, for example I forgot my PE kit one day and the teacher made me wear a skirt from the store cupboard (fair enough) - it was a wrap around hockey skirt but the fastenings had been removed so I kept having to hold it together or it would just fall down in front of everyone which was humiliating as a 14 year old girl in a mixed sex school. Or a French teacher who ridiculed a mistake I made in front of the whole class so I just stopped trying to answer anything. I know I'm a pretty sensitive person but as soon as I got to college and work I felt a huge sense of relief and everything changed for the better. Now I have my own DS (who is still little) I really don't want him to hate school. I know he might not but I wondered if anyone's negative school experience was a factor in how you educate your kids, what kind of schools you send them to etc?

Chose a school really suited to their personality & would move them in a heartbeat it they were bullied. They know this.

I hated my secondary school. I wasn’t bullied particularly, but there was such a relentless air of not giving a shit in any class that wasn’t streamed, PE and Games were horrible and limited etc.
I sent DS to an excellent school with a strong ethos of striving to do your best, a history of valuing sport as well as academic attainment.
I think the most important thing I did, however, was to tell him that if he didn’t like it, he could tell us and we would sort it out, moving him if it was necessary.

Thanks for your replies. I really want him to enjoy learning. I loved sports in primary school but the PE teachers at secondary school made it so miserable that I ended up hating it. I also used to work in a private school where they really encouraged the students to enjoy sports and to be confident, it was refreshing to see the kids so happy at school, but I don't think we could afford to pay the fees.

I wasnt individually singled out for bullying, but my school had a really poor culture. Learning wasn't cool and you had to keep your head down and not be seen to try too hard. Lots of low-level behaviour issues, being aggressive to teachers, smoking weed etc etc.

I still struggle now with expressing my opinion because it was ingrained in me at a young age that I'd be mocked if I spoke up.

I came out with straight As and A*s but I hated school. I often see people on Mumsnet saying "a bright child will do well anywhere" but I think that's totally missing the point. It isn't just about exam results. I want my child to have a happier experience than I did and go to a better school.

We have a few state options near us and haven't ruled out private for secondary either, it all depends on the culture and which school seems the best fit for our DC. I grew up in a rural area so there were hardly any real options anyway, I've moved away as I didn't want that for my DC.

Yes, I was. Not as much by adults but definitely by my peers.

Has definitely changed my approach to my DDs' schooling, compared with my parents'.

I have a lower threshold to how long I'll let kids work things out amongst themselves before contacting the school and asking them to intervene. The fact that my DDs' teachers have listened to me and have been responsive on behalf of my daughters makes me want to remain in the catchment area, even though we'd like a larger house and there are other high schools in our city with larger percentages of exam passes.

It has become more important to me that my DDs can be themselves at school, than how many kids get C or better at Higher. Didn't used to be that way, but when DD1 started primary school, my old memories of being bullied at primary really came rushing back.

I'm also more forward with my DDs' teachers and coaches if I find out something they've said has been taken too far. I'm a lot less afraid of approaching a coach, looking them in the eye, and saying, "My daughter says you said [this thing that hurt her feelings] to her. Can I ask about your perspective?"

That's actually led to a productive conversation where I can hear the coach out, and speak with DD1 later about her behavior and help her take responsibility. I've been able to explain my own background to the coach (because I also had a terrible dance teacher who belittled us all once we reached teenage years!), and the coach has been able to reassure me of her style and figure out a different and more effective way to engage with DD1.

DD would have quit her current sport without that chat. Instead, it looks like her coach understands her a little better now, and has found better-suited ways to manage her behavior when I'm not around.

I will also stick with activity teachers who know how to motivate my girls to give their best, without demeaning them. I care a lot less about turbo-achievement and trophies and "winning", and a lot more about my DDs taking joy in what they do.

Yes. I chose private school for DC after hating my secondary school where you got bullied if you worked hard (so I didn't) got mocked if you had any aspirations, and even most (not all) of the teachers mocked you if they thought you were bing 'too clever'.

DC's school was nurturing, respectful and absolutely outstanding when it came to SEN. I don;t regret it for a minute.

But I'm aware that my dad hated boarding school so he sent us to the local comp. I hated the local comp so sent DC to an independent school which happened to be single sex. DC loved the school but DS2 has said he'd never send his child to a single sex school.

You can't win.

I had a terrible time at school, primary and secondary. Mainly due to low self esteem which led to being bullied. School did nothing, bullying was seen as an inevitable part of growing up and I was supposed to suck it up. Lessons were constantly disrupted by poor behaviour. I did badly and hardly passed any exams.

I took the decision to put ds in a small private school. We can manage the fees if we are very careful with our finances. He has a totally different experience to me! The pastoral care is excellent, the teaching is high quality and disruptive behaviour just wouldn’t be tolerated.

Yes, absolutely, my life was made a misery at school. I went to a huge comp where bullying was just seen as part of life.

We send our two to a private school which has an absolutely brilliant anti-bullying policy, and it’s made very clear when you join the school that if your child is a persistent bully then they’ll be asked to leave. The school have been amazing at following through on this and stamping down on this type of behaviour. Obviously fortunate that an independent school was financially viable for us, but this was a huge factor in our choice of school.

Yes, the second they were bullied I yanked them out because I had no faith in “anti-bullying policy”. Allowed them to stay home if overwhelmed (autism) and ultimately moved house to get schooling suited to them.

Said child is now en route to a scholarship at MIT where their tribe will be found.

Yes, completely altered my approach to it.

Huge comp that I went to did nothing at all ever about the bullying I suffered. If it wasn’t physical it wasn’t bullying in their eyes.

I’ve chosen a school where dc has plenty of their own tribe. Small classes, nurturing and good approach to nipping bullying in the bud.

I've weighed up off and on whether our local private schools (there are at least 4) would be worth the sacrifice and expense, but I've heard about terrible bullying cultures at almost all of them. Racism, assaults, social exclusion by peers, cyber bullying outside of school, things like that.

Bullying cultures at our local private schools seem to be supported by SLTs who are keen to sweep issues under the rug, lest it make their schools look bad to paying parents who can easily walk away.

Will defo keep my antennae up when DD1 transitions to S1. I have my own lines to draw for the secondary years: teenage DSD's high school up the road from us takes exam non-achievement a bit too far, to the point of being utterly defeatist and discouraging learning for learning's sake... which is not aligned with my own values. But for now, I'm satisfied with my younger DDs' primary school and the way they've handled our concerns about bullying.

Yes. I have the approach school is shit but has to be put up with. When you are older you get to choose what you do and qualifications open doors so get it over and done with and arm yourself with as many qualifications as you can. We are both in a lucrative 8ndustry with niche jobs and I also try and make sure they know money doesn't grow on trees. We wouldn't have this life if we had failed our GCSEs or not worked for a decent degree. It's all choice. Stick it out and make what you want of life.

I enjoyed school in general but did get low level teased all through primary and then got bullied a bit in the lower years of secondary.

My issue was I got teased a lot for being "posh" and liking learning (I wasn't, I was on FSM like most of the other kids, but I was quiet, and did like learning). I was really worried about the same thing happening to DS1 but luckily we can afford to rent in a nicer area to where I grew up and DS1 fits in a lot better than I did at school.

Not me but a very good friend hated school and had a lot of issues. As a result if her two kids were remotely unhappy at a school (for any reason) she moved them. Both attended multiple schools (a mix of public, independent and alternative) and her daughter was homeschooled for a while. Neither of them attended school to the end or did final exams (HSC here in Australia). To be brutally honest the fact that they are so poorly educated is quite apparent if you spend time with them, neither of them can stick at anything and they are both just drifting through life. I am really cross with my friend tbh, I think they would have had a better chance in life if they had at least had a basic education. Find the school that you think suits your child and stick with it.

I went though hell all the way though school.

Mainly because we moved to a very rural location when I was 4, and we were the ‘wrong’ colour. Moved back to a big city at 12, but then I was bullied for other things.

My parents didn’t listen to me though and concluded with the teachers that I must be the problem, I must be so awful that everyone hated me, so everyone treated me with disdain.

Thankfully my children are nothing like me and I am nothing like my parents - they are filled with confidence and know that I will believe and help them above everything else.

I totally failed at life though due to a shit start. I basically learned to just hide from the world. So parenting is my life and christ, I try to do it all right In the hope that my children won’t turn out like me (one is a young adult and is doing brilliant things )

I wasn't particularly bullied at school but struggled making friends and was very lonely. DH was bullied quite badly at his school. So when DD1 started being bullied at her school for studying hard, wanting to do well, we took immediate steps to deal with it. School were useless so we investigated local independent schools and DD chose to move to one at 11+. She absolutely flourished there, making lots of friends and doing brilliantly academically. Ruined us financially for a long time, but to collect a happy child from school every day, keen to chat about her day (rather than a silent child trying hard not to cry) was worth every penny.

Yes, I chose to home educate up to 16. The older two have degrees and full time jobs, the third is at college now and the fourth is working towards GCSEs at home.
They are like me, neuro diverse with a specific learning disability and giving them space outside mainstream schooling has allowed them to grow up in their own time.
There have been HE kids who tried to bully mine but it has been easier to distance ourselves from them.

I quite disliked school because I got a poor education there and found it a strange and unhealthy social environment. Not exactly bullied, but not happy. My life was transformed for the better the moment I left, and I regret all the wasted years at school.

So I offered my eldest a choice of school or home education. They chose home ed all the way through except for trying school for a term in Y5. The younger one was home ed throughout. She was never given an explicit choice about this because I was so certain that school would be a bad fit for her special needs. When she was older I did ask her a few times whether she wanted to try school, but TBH these were brief throwaway questions and if she'd said yes I probably would have tried hard to discourage her. Though I believe in letting kids make most decisions for themselves, I feel that even a few months at school would have done lasting damage to her self-esteem. It was different for her sibling, who found a stint at school to be an interesting experience which gave them better understanding of the pros and cons of home ed.

Both have thrived academically and socially without school.

My parents moved me from school to school meaning I never really settled down. At secondary school I went to an academically strong private school where I didn't fit in and was horribly bullied. I ended up with good results and lasting mental health problems.

My children have only moved schools where necessary and I've prioritised their wellbeing over results. That means sending them to a local school where they don't spend hours on the bus and there is children that they get on with.

I often see people on Mumsnet saying "a bright child will do well anywhere" but I think that's totally missing the point. It isn't just about exam results. I want my child to have a happier experience than I did and go to a better school. @glowingcandle

So much this! Results are a small part of it. I want my children to have a nice childhood, and school is such a big part of that.
I really like my DC’s school.

Yes and I didn't realise I was carrying a massive chip on my shoulder that I was projecting onto my kids schools until I had therapy. Now I have taken a step back, and I don't jump as fast to assuming they will be bullied and hate school as well. I now see school as as good as it can be in an imperfect system. There are some great teachers and some not so great ones as in every walk of life.

I was bullied in primary and secondary schools. Unfortunately I’ve never been able to afford private schooling so my kids have had to stay in local comps. However I’ve sorted any issues out pretty quickly luckily and not just from other pupils.

I will move schools if necessary and my dc know this

I had some lovely teachers but I also had some absolute shits.

I definitely don’t subscribe to the prevailing view on here that kids are inherently lying troublemakers.

We moved around a lot when I was a kid so I was always the 'new kid' at the numerous schools I went to and never really made any friends. Of course I attracted bullies like flies and I hated every moment of school life whilst loving the learning aspect.

I decided to home school when I had my DC. I had to tailor my career around it and we've done without many things (mainly staying rented rather than buying, I couldn't afford to learn to drive or run a car, and no foreign holidays) but they've thrived, have many friends, and that's worth its weight in gold.

DH was bullied throughout his school life. He was very academic and that wasn’t seen as a good thing at his school. He had no happy memories of school until he went to university. But he got really good grades, the highest of his year. His DM is of the opinion you can do well at any school, but DH downplayed a lot of the bullying to his mum so she doesn’t know how unhappy he was.

DS goes to a small private secondary school. It has good pastoral care, which was important to us