Our Forever Home

[Aberwotsit]

It was meant to be our forever home once we are retired, but now that one of our daughters has what looks to be rapidly progressing MS my wife wants to sell up and move to be closer to her - and in all honesty, I really don't want to.
Am I being selfish, unthinking and mean?
It's a four hour round trip to my daughters house, she has a partner that works shifts and she also has two children. I had thought and suggested that my wife might like to think about going the stay when needed even for two or three days a week but that was quickly rejected by her.
I worked hard for over five years to get our little once semi derelict cottage into shape, and now in my mid 70s the thought of having to sell up and move fills me with both dread and worry as the best we could afford if we did move would be into to somewhere with far less than we have now.
No more rural countryside and no more pottering around in the garden in the late Autumn of our years, but I will have one rather unhappy wife that's for sure.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter . Having some personal experience of MS I can say it's a very unpredictable disease and even if your DD is in the progressive stage progress is not usually linear, there may be sudden declines followed by relatively long periods of stability (to give some hope). Plus there are a lot of advances in treatment now both to slow progression but also in therapies and ways to help people life with the disease. I would honestly not recommend anyone makes any life changing permanent decisions in the wake of receiving a diagnosis or a relapse, you'll all be in shock right now, there are so many unknowns and you all need to come to terms with the impact on your lives, especially as there are young children involved too. I think, in the gentlest possible way, you and your wife have both fixed on different things as a bit of something to cling to/focus on, she's desperate to be of practical assistance and 'doing', you're focussed on your feelings about the house and the loss of your 'vision' of retirement (which TBH is likely to change now whether you sell the house or not) - both valid perspectives but you probably just need to take a deep breath, be kind to one another and yourselves and not do anything too drastic too quickly. I can totally understand your wife's desire to be near them and to help as much as possible (I would likely feel the same too) but quite aside from the issues you bring up about quality of housing etc., are you/she sure your DD wants you to move to live so close to them, I'm sure she'll have some feelings about that too. I'm sure she had a vision of the future too and it probably didn't involve a serious illness and her parents needing to move to support her so even if that ultimately is the best thing she will need some time to come on board with it - her partner/husband will need to be consulted with as well, there are a lot of people's feelings and lives involved here.

I think if it was me I would just park the conversation about the house for now, a 4 hour round trip is certainly too much to be doing regularly but can she go for an extended stay with them, or if space is an issue get an Air BnB /holiday let or stay in a cheap nearby travel-lodge or B and B or similar for a few weeks? You can perhaps then join them for weekends or you and wife can 'shuttle' backwards and forwards taking it in turns to help out with the DC. When the dust has settled a bit and you have a realistic idea of DD's situation and how much help she needs/wants, then you can come back to it hopefully calmly and as a family come to the best decision?

Thanks so much for your post Maxelly.
Delaying it slightly was what I hope to do as it's early days and my daughters future medication is still being finalised.
Our life is going to change as you say and I accept that along with my wife's need to (as it seems at times) to rush into selling up and move. My situation is not really helped either by my daughter sending property details to us as that just makes me feel so much worse.
For the moment I will be kind as you also say, and allow or at least encourage matters to move at a slower place.

Just when we think we are settled, life throws us a curveball.
In the meantime, I wish you well with your own situation.

I had to leave the home I loved a few months ago. I always thought they would have to take me out of that place on a box.
But turns out my sons medical problems meant we needed to be closer to town ( we lived in a little village and loved it )

I cried the day I realised that we had to move and I cried the day it sold and for the first time ever I kept wanting the sale to fall apart as that meant I could stay longer.

Am I happy in my new house? Nope. But everyone else is. I think my attachment to my other house was so strong and it was the first house I never wanted to leave so it is going to take time. Do I regret it? Nope. Strange as that may seem.

I do feel like I am making it harder on myself whilst I’m comparing this place to the other which is in fair as they are completely different places.

But we have picked a house we can now stay in even when we get older. It’s a bungalow , it’s near family , buses routes. It is still lovely and quiet though. I’m sure I will get used to it. But seeing my son being able to do stuff on his own now is lovely.
All I can say is it give it time when u do move. Remember why.