Over weight dd

[Mrspimplepopper]

My dd 12 is very very overweight, it's entirely my fault. I am to blame. I am to blame for saying yes to sweets, I love to see her smile. I am to blame to giving too much food in her packed lunch because I didn't want her to be hungry at school.

I have my own weight issues and I swore before she was born that I would never let my dd become overweight. And I have...

I feel so sad for her, part of me wants to wrap her in cotton wool and shut the world out so they won't judge her or me.

I need to help her

She wants to be healthy, she asks me to buy salad...

Shes asked to sign up to the local council gym, I'm going this evening to enquire

I dont know what foods to give her, whats a healthy snack?? Fruit? Toast? I want to get rid of crisps and biscuits but I'm scared my mind is so messed up I don't know what normal eating is...

@Daphnedot

If she has 3 healthy meals a day she won't need snacks.

I agree, you need to start her on the path of making new healthier habits, and concentrate on protein rich meals so then snacks won’t be needed

Easter is just around the corner. If she gets chocolate eggs from other relatives could you suggest to her that she could choose something Easter themed present from you that isn’t chocolate instead?

UniBallEye
Wow thankyou so much for your post, these ideas of normal healthy eating is excellent. This is what I need to do

The lighter nights are here maybe you could go for a walk after dinner, cut down on the amount on her plate so if she has say potatoes take 1 off and add more veg/salad, 1 less spoon of pasta is another way to reduce portions.

Hi OP. I was a very very overweight tween. Became an obese teen and then an adult with eating disorders. You are not too late! Not at all. You can help you DD. The most important is to TRY (try!) to not make her self conscious. She is unable (almost) to get food except what you will give her. Don’t buy any sweet. Ever. Nothing she does “deserves “ a treat, she is not a good dog. Sweets are a pleasure. Not a reward. A nice ice cream on a hot day. Not after every meal. Slowly, start only offering healthy food. I really wish my mom had done that instead of filling out cupboards with more cake to keep me quiet. You could not initiate the conversation but be super aware if she mentions her weight. You can do it OP, and she will always remember how you helped her. Not how you let her down.

OP, I do think seeing your GP might be helpful.

I weighed 14 stone aged 14 and was very distressed about it. My mum joined Weight Watchers with me and I found it helpful, and lost a couple of stone. But I'm not sure I'd recommend that route since WW is primarily a business based on customers dieting their whole lives...

My healthy school packed lunch was: sandwich of 2 slices brown bread, with a slice of wafer thin ham; veggie bag with sliced carrots, cucumber, mini tomatoes; piece of fruit. Lots of water!

For a lot of overweight people the core issue is a disassociation with their bodies which leads to fear/shame around healthy activities (due to being clumsy/"bad at sport") and over-eating (due to not being aware of satiety signals). For me, a great yoga teacher and an online dance class really helped me to connect back in to being in a body, which made reaching and staying at a healthy weight much easier.

Swimming is a great start! Lots of veggies, fresh fruit, reduce sugary snacks to a small portion a couple of times a week, and be kind to yourself and your DD. The goal is HEALTH and enjoying life, not being "thin" or a certain weight on the scales.

Hello. My son was also v overweight (obese at Yr 6 weigh in). Our council actually offered us practical support- a weekly 2 hour session for children and parents, run by a dietitian and a sports coach. Some activities separate, some together. There was information eg reading food labels to assess suitability, we made some healthy snacks, dietary advice- portion size etc etc etc and the children did an hours fun physical play/ games. Find out if your council offer any schemes like that.
They advise NOT to aim for weight loss at that age but to adopt a healthy lifestyle and healthy eating, eventually these should become habits, then as the child grows taller they maintain the same weight but get thinner!
It helped DS a bit but really the key time came when he was 14 and HE ASKED me to help him- rather than having it imposed on him at 11. He has lost 2 stone in the last 5 months and his BMI has gone from 30 to 24- obese to normal.
He has 3 sensible meals a day plus weetabix for supper. We cut out most sweets cakes biscuits etc except for special occasions. He doesn't like fizzy drinks anyway.
When I want to give him a treat or reward, I give him cash! 50p here, £1 there... Find other, small, non-food rewards for your DD-
I hope you find this helpful.

Skinnymimi

Your post has made me cry, I'm so sorry you were in the same situation

Witchesbelazy, thankyou, do you police the food cupboards? Atm my dd has almost free reign really. I'm scared she'll hate

Why would she hate you ? And if she strops and huffs then let her vent but she doesn't hate you she might be annoyed that she can't do what she likes but that's all it is just annoyance. Her having set boundaries is a good thing.

This kind of goes against the grain but the biggest predictor for weight gain is food restriction and dieting.

Unfortunately there is no safe effective way to lose weight long term. 90% of people on diets regain that weight within the next year and 85% will put on an extra stone in top of that.

Personally if I was in your position I would try to work on intuitive eating as a family. So at first don't remove anything and instead add in extra veggies etc take the power away from the treat foods and try to make them not have any moral value (ie no such thing as good and bad foods) stop talking negatively about your own body or anyone else's and if she's on social media make sure she follows people who are the same shape as her. Healing her relationship with food long term will serve her much better than losing a stone or 2 for few months and putting it all back on.
You're a good mum don't beat yourself up we are a just doing our best

It's great your DD wants to eat healthier and be more active and that your so supportive and want the same.

I often go the library and get cook books out so I can choose a few dishes that catch my eye without buying a whole book. Perhaps find one aimed at families/children and choose a few to make together?

Some favourite snacks of ours are apple wedges dipped in peanut butter and edamame (soy beans) they're full of protein which is great for feeling satiated.

Another idea could be a 'yes basket'. Various snacks she can have anytime she wants like fruit or popcorn on hand so she never feels she can't listen to her body if she is hungry. You're definitely doing the right thing not buying crisps, soft drinks, biscuits. If they're not in the house you can't eat them or at least you'll have to walk to the shops!

Encourage lots of exercise too. A quick kick about in the garden etc soon adds up

Get your dd involved in cooking! I honestly think that if children help to prepare and cook food they have a better relationship with food and become more aware of healthy options. It’s also a good way to chat - more casual.
Soups are great for lunches.
Veggie sticks with hummus is a nice snack
Balanced meals with plenty of veg.

Trampolining, cycling, climbing walls, skate parks - all exercises that my ds15 does.
Walking instead of catching the bus or getting lifts.
How about investing in a Fitbit? Can track steps and keep you on track to moving about!
Also things like just dance on Xbox or similar are good fun for when the weathers bad!

The first step is realising there is an issue.

Breakfast ideas...
Scrambled egg, boiled egg, omelette
Yoghurt and berries (frozen is fine)
Porridge (add berries or cinnamon if you find it bland)

Packed lunch
Salad (with something like chicken or egg)
Open sandwich... normal sandwich with half the bread
Fruit as side

Dinner
Half the plate vegetables, with protein and carbs.

Treats
Frozen yoghurt
Couple of squares dark chocolate

Lots of water (or squash, its not perfect but better than alternatives)
Avoid fresh fruit juice and fizzy drinks

Exercise...
Fitness trackers can help with focus.
Walk whenever you can instead of drive
Swimming is good
I sometimes do YouTube videos from a trainer called EmKfit... its HIIT to popular music such as film tracks, Disney etc.

Good luck.

I am to blame for saying yes to sweets, I love to see her smile. I am to blame to giving too much food in her packed lunch because I didn't want her to be hungry at school

I'm scared she'll hate me

I know this isn't what you asked OP but what screams out from your posts is how you view food (especially treats) as an expression of love, and thus worry denial of food is a denial of love.

It's brilliant that you want to make some changes. Try to remember that treats ≠ love. You can find other ways of rewarding your DD. Praise, time with you, screen time, doing something fun outside - all things that she'll love. Start thinking about this as well as the food practicalities. Maybe for yourself as well. Good luck!

That is brilliant that she wants to eat healthily and get active, and that you are so supportive.

Agree with others that portion control and not keeping unhealthy snacks in the house will really help. I also like the suggestion about getting bikes. Could you get smart watches and count your steps? You can get cheap ones that work really well and its very motivating to see the steps accumulate.

@Mrspimplepopper

Witchesbelazy, thankyou, do you police the food cupboards? Atm my dd has almost free reign really. I'm scared she'll hate me

If you don't have junk in the cupboards then she can roam all she likes. Have loads of humous and veg sticks prepares in the fridge to grab. Big bowl of fruit on display in kitchen. Make one day a treat day and bake some muffins? You can even stick some fruit in these to offset the sugar? Well done for addressing this x

You need to examine, honestly, what you already eat as a family (including portions) and start taking baby steps to healthy eating. So, for example, start by bringing in stuff (like wholegrains / fresh fruit / veg) instead of stopping or banning food. At my house the fruit is easily accessible - no need to ask for permission if you want it. But the biscuits / crisps / chocolate are on the high shelf and permission must be requested before they can have it.

You are looking for help which is great. The leisure centre is a great start. Swimming is fantastic exercise, she might be a bit young for the gym.

Crisps/ sweets/ junk/ sugary drinks need to be removed from the house. If it isn't there neither of you can eat it.

There is great info on the NHS website: www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/childrens-weight/overweight-children-advice-for-parents/

A good friend of mine jokes that her mam 'fat shamed' her when she was 13. Basically she told her they all needed to cut the treats and up the exercise. They did and she grew into a healthy teen/ adult.

This will not just solve 'go away' and it may not always be comfortable but getting a good eating pattern now will be so beneficial to your DD, and you.

Good luck x

Perhaps when your daughter has gone to bed you can sit down and read this as it has mountains if information and practical advice. It addresses your relationship with food and how you parent because of it -

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.childrensnutrition.co.uk/full-blog/unhealthy-relationship-with-food%3fformat=amp

How big is she? Has she started her periods? Relevant because the weight will affect the hormones and the hormones will affect the weight.

It’s not too late to change her eating habits as she is presumably not buying food for herself yet - or is she?

3 good meals, a ton of veg for bulk and no banned foods. Find exercise she enjoys and support her to do it. And you can both walk together for your health too as the days get longer. It’s a great time to chat and get to know what’s going on in their head.

It’s not too late if you don’t give up on fixing the mistakes that you’ve made.

WoolyMammoth55

Thankyou for the packed lunch tips

Those plates that are sectioned into vegetables, protein and carbs are great, it helps you with portion control and maybe your DD will be less likely to ask why she has more veg and less carbs on her plate.

There's lots of healthy options, eggs are always a good option for breakfast, high protein, should keep you full. You could make an omelette with lots of vegetables in.

I have a personal training qualification and I used to be really into the gym / dieting.

The best thing is to not restrict yourself, for example, if she loves chocolate, let her have 2 giant chocolate buttons on her porridge in a morning. They will melt so it looks like there's more, and you've had your chocolate fix but it will be about 20 calories worth.

For lunch, wraps with tuna / chicken / ham. Or those sandwich thins are good for lunch boxes! Apples, Greek yoghurt, popcorn all make for great lunch time snacks.

You could get the snack sized treats, like the mini bags of malteasers ect that have about 80 calories in, for times when she wants a treat!

For dinner, basically make sure you have a good source of protein, chicken, salmon, beef ect, with veg / salad and some carbs, rice, pasta, sweet potato ect.

You don't need to do things to the extreme, for example if you prefer white rice to brown rice then have white rice, usually the difference in calories is minimal anyway.

Look out for the sugar content in things, some yoghurts will be advertised as low fat ect but have ridiculous amounts of sugar.

Do lots of exercise without saying 'we need to do exercise'. Lots of nice long walks in the summer, swimming as you have already said! What about trampolining? You can go to those jump places and pay as you go. Dancing maybe?

Good luck OP xx

She’s old enough to cook with you too - my daughter and I have have so many conversations about nutrition and food in general when we cook together. I’m also honest (within limits as she’s only 11) about my relationship with food and how I wouldn’t want her to go through the same as me. I was 17stone, now 11.

Also, be careful with drinks, some drinks (smoothies, milkshakes ect) can have more calories than a meal! Xx

Don’t be hard on yourself. What’s done is done, what matters now is what happens going forward. The fact that you are both on board puts you in a really good place to succeed. Is there anyone else you needs to be ‘on board’ dd’s father? Any other family? Not essential but helps not to have anyone sabotaging your hard work.

Is she open to eating a good range of healthy food? Any allergies or dislikes?

Are you ok budget wise, with kitchen facilities to cook healthy meals?

Could you perhaps give an honest example of your dd’s current typical day of food. Include everything, including drinks and give rough portion sizes. That way we can suggest good swaps so there is still room for occasional treats and it doesn’t feel like ‘a diet’.

Can she walk to school? Any friends or family who might allow dd to walk their Dog?