I don't want to see this friend anymore, WWYS?

[Theblacksheepforever]

We've known one another for many years but over the past few years I've become aware that they've been quite manipulative and our time spent together leaves me very drained.

I've been trying to distance myself gradually but because we don't live very close to one another they tend to strong arm me into arranging the next 3-4 outings/meet ups in advance and me being a people pleaser I just say yes at the time then spend the lead up dreading it, then feeling like I can't back out.

I'm quite vulnerable in the sense I have MH problems, I've also got quite alot going on in my life ATM which means I don't have much emotional bandwidth left, least of all to use on somebody who drains and uses me.

Can you help me extract myself from this friendship in a way that's least likely to cause offence?

Every time they call they are going to ‘strong arm’ you in to meeting them so you either block their number which is a bit harsh if they don’t get that they are forceful or they then turn up at your door, worried.

Or you get in first with a message asking them not to contact you as you have a lot going on at the moment and that you will be in touch if and when you want to contact them. Then never reply or block them.

They would have to have the skin of a rhino to not understand that you’re ending the relationship with them.

Practice saying no.
"that doesn't work for me"
"i can't do that"
"i can't commit to that"

Great advice thank you both. I do have to work on being more assertive.

We're going for lunch and to see a show today and I just don't want to go and I've left it far too late to cancel. I feel bad saying this but being around her absolutely drains me these days.

I'll get today out of the way but whilst I'm there I'll say I'm not going to be contactable for a while as I have alot going on, then I'll distance myself.

Next time she talks about plans, have some phrases ready :
"I'll need to think about that"
"I'm not sure" etc.

Also, if you feel like you need to explain or convince her, you're probably talking too much and digging holes. You don't need her to agree. You can just say no thanks.

Long term, read up on personal boundaries and practice saying no. It will become easier.

Thank you Verb

Thats where I go wrong I think. I feel as though I owe everybody an explanation for everything when actually, I don't.

I've always struggled with installing boundaries and just saying 'no thanks' which only causes me anxiety later on which could have been avoided. It's annoying.

some, maybe not all but many, very draining people, are very resourceful at finding other people to drain. Don't feel obliged if it's bothering you; you've enough on your plate keeping your own sanity steady.

I have one friend I only see sporadically because... yeah... her life is a sequence of small dramas. We used to have a laugh. Just hoping those times can come again. It's getting to point where I'm almost laughing at her (not with her) in my head, not good.

How did it go today?

Here are some links that may help
jasonconnell.co/boundaries/
hudsontherapygroup.com/blog/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries

Sounds familiar!! I had a friendship like this. Trouble is she will not take no for an answer. A slow fade will not work. I've tried it.

You will need a rod of steel in your back to block and ignore. For sure have the conversation that you are going to be busy and can't meet up ( I did that ) but still got an onslaught of text messages till eventually I blocked her.

You won't believe it but she showed up at my doorstep recently on a milestone birthday birthday 5 years after I had that conversation !!! . Luckily I was out and my husband saw her off. Be ruthless!! She will find someone else to feed off.

OP, I went through something like this a few years ago. A friend who just wanted all my time and energy and meet ups that went on all day.

I tried to put distance there but in the end I had to just be brutally honest. One of the hardest things I ever did but worth it in the end. It's so hard, but you have to look after yourself and be true to yourself. Good luck

I always "need to check my diary" ... which is at home. This gives me space to think about whether the arrangement is feasible or not without being put under pressure to make a commitment immediately

“Let me check, I’ll let you know later in the week either way”.

I have ghosted someone like that. Couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes feel awful and was like the OP as didn't want to offend but they just didn't get the hint and it was stressing me out so much.

Feel relieved I did ghost her and really had no choice - scary

How did it go today OP?

She is contributing to your poor mental health. A realy friend wouldn't do this.

If she has strong armed you into meeting again, a sure way to make her block you (eventually) is to not turn up. No reason or apology either. If thats too much turn up an hour late. Or forger your purse at home. Be distracted on your phone. Eventually you won't be an attractive option of meeting up with and she will find her next victim to drain.

Btw when you say she used you, was the financially, do you somehow end up paying for everything? Or driving her everywhere?

I've just let a difficult friendship go and feel like a huge weight has been lifted, it was hard to do but soooo worth it. The awkwardness was nothing compared with the dread of seeing her. Can you just say you're busy these days and you're sorry but you think the friendship has run its course.