Brother in law hates me and I hate him

[LovelyTeePee]

My BiL is a complicated person. He doesn't want to see anyone, especially since lockdown. He has been physically and psychologically abusive to his partner, physically shoving and hitting. He also generally hates everyone and everything. His brother, my husband, is a gem and won't speak any ill against him. But frankly, I am concerned about his partner (who is having a mental breakdown over his behaviour) and his lack of concern and emotion towards his blood family. We all think he has a narcissistic personality. How do we all move forward as a family?

My BIL and I are the same. He is abusive to my DSIS. She has physical and mental health needs and very reliant on him. She tried to commit suicide and he would not get her treatment. I had to report him and get a welfare check for my DSIS. Unfortunately my DSIS will always defend and support him. The authorities can't help them if they are not willing to let them. It was a very stressful time. It made me ill worrying about the situation. I learnt you cannot force help on people. They need to want to help themselves. Let the wife know you are there for her if she needs help or to leave. But otherwise stay out of it is my advice.

There’s not much you can do about it really other than let his partner know you’re there for her

Refusing to stand up to a bully isn't what I would describe as a 'gem'. I would struggle to think well of my husband if they stood by in such a situation.

In your position I would do everything I could to make sure his partner knows you are a safe heaven. Physically and emotionally.

We knew my BiL was no good the minute we met him. He presented himself as a very caring SiL, thus fooling my parents. We kept out of it but that meant that when DS wanted to get out of the relationship she could come to us without thinking we would say ‘told you so’. However we never realised just how bad the abuse was until she left him.

Thanks everyone. Although they live together (in his property) my SiL has her own flat. Also for a bit of context, they've been together for 30 years. Just after a very difficult Xmas, she had enough and went to see her family. Up until that point he had pressured her not to see them. She has a weakened immune system, so he would say he was doing it to protect her. Anyway, she did move back into her flat. But now she is seeing him again and staying with him and going on holiday with him. Although she is still fearful of him. She knows we're there for her. So that's all we can do really. But I am finding it so hard to hold my tongue in front of my BiL...as well as my husband and In laws. I feel someone needs to say something to him.

P.s. I think he dislikes me because I can see right through him, and I have defended her against some of his nasty comments in the past.

His brother, my husband, is a gem and won't speak any ill against him

Why won't your husband accept the fact that his brother is an abuser?

Pinkyredrose I think because his parents are now very elderly he doesn't want to cause them any distress. But yes I agree, my husband should stand up to him. His brother was always a difficult child who grew up to be a difficult man. My husband's whole family have always tiptoed around him, as they knew he would fly of the handle if they criticised him. The whole family are afraid of any kind of confrontation. But I think it's gone too far now. Especially as we now know that there has been some physical abuse.