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Had to move out with my newborn due to partner having Mental health problems what do I do?

23 replies

Melvin2021 · 10/04/2022 23:04

Long story short. Had my baby at the beginning of the year with my fiance and 3 weeks after she was born me and her moved I with my parents due to my partner acting erratically and very out of character. He has been to the doctors who have said he has depression and he was given short term medication and is speaking to a Councillor. 8 weeks later we are still here and there has been practically no improvement. When he isn't at work he drinks which I don't agree with because it makes depression worse.

What annoys me the most is he has an 8 year old son to a previous relationship and gets him every second weekend without fail and nothing changes for his son when my daughter is 11 weeks and barely knows her dad. He only sees her on average once a week and I'm always there. He hasn't bonded with her either. I'm so frustrated and living in limbo.

He is so self absorbed its horrific. Literally everything is about him and its like talking to a brick wall. I look at him and its his body but its not him speaking if you get me? He is very nasty at times aswell. He obviously was nothing like this before. We have been together for 6 years, engaged for 3 and lived together for 4. I'm devastated at how things are but I'd like honest opinions on what to do.

Just to add I moved out for my daughters sake to give her a nice environment which has worked because she's the happiest baby ever and always has loads of faces to see which is great.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
Sushi7 · 10/04/2022 23:16

Are you sure he’s never had MH issues? Seems odd for him to suddenly change without any further info about past MH issues or potential external reasons. I think you did the right thing by moving out.

Babyroobs · 10/04/2022 23:19

As above very odd that this would come on suddenly. You've been together for six years yet left at the first sign of a MH issue. Did you feel unsafe ?

ElenaSt · 10/04/2022 23:29

So he was perfectly ok until out of the blue he developed these unpleasant traits that quite frankly doesn’t actually sound like depression?

The mother of his son deems him safe to look after their child so have you spoken to her?

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Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 00:55

Sorry forgot to add that a couple of years before we met he had something similar happen but bit this severe

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Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 00:55

Not*

OP posts:
Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 00:57

@ElenaSt I don't personally know her as they live quite abit away from us and it's never been very amicable between them both so we've never met

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Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 00:59

@Babyroobs I left purely for my little girl as it wasn't a very nice atmosphere. I'm not sure if I'd go as far as to say unsafe but definitely strange behaviour from him.

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EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/04/2022 01:00

Don't go back.
Go grey rock with him or he'll continue to disappoint you and let your baby down.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 01:08

When he isn't at work he drinks which I don't agree with because it makes depression worse.

Keep him out of your child's life. Block him if necessary. If he wants access he can go to court.

TooBigForMyBoots · 11/04/2022 01:25

You say he had problems a few years before you met @Melvin2021. Did they coincide with his son being born?

mathanxiety · 11/04/2022 01:39

I'm not sure what you consider to be the problem here. You seem a bit jealous on your baby's behalf that he sees his DS without fail but only sees your baby infrequently and with you present.

You then describe his MH problems and what is by the sound of it, emotional and psychological unavailability and heavy drinking.

If I were you I would be dancing jigs all around the kitchen with relief that I had somewhere to escape to with my baby, and hugely relieved too that he didn't insist on seeing her.

The person I really feel for in this situation is the DS, who should not have to visit his father when he is so unwell, drinking heavily, and very likely completely unable to contribute anything positive to the visits.

You are well out of this situation and you should stay away. Cut your losses. Grieve for what you thought you had.

Contact the DS's mother and talk to her about what's going on with her ex. She should be made aware of what she's sending her son off to on his weekends with his father. It all sounds distressing for a child.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 11/04/2022 01:47

@mathanxiety

I'm not sure what you consider to be the problem here. You seem a bit jealous on your baby's behalf that he sees his DS without fail but only sees your baby infrequently and with you present.

You then describe his MH problems and what is by the sound of it, emotional and psychological unavailability and heavy drinking.

If I were you I would be dancing jigs all around the kitchen with relief that I had somewhere to escape to with my baby, and hugely relieved too that he didn't insist on seeing her.

The person I really feel for in this situation is the DS, who should not have to visit his father when he is so unwell, drinking heavily, and very likely completely unable to contribute anything positive to the visits.

You are well out of this situation and you should stay away. Cut your losses. Grieve for what you thought you had.

Contact the DS's mother and talk to her about what's going on with her ex. She should be made aware of what she's sending her son off to on his weekends with his father. It all sounds distressing for a child.

I think this is exactly the correct way to view things.

I’m so sorry, OP. This sounds extremely upsetting and stressful.

Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 09:46

@mathanxiety I am absolutely not jealous of his son. He has been in my life for years and things have been great. I've also always been nothing but good to him and always looked forward to seeing him aswell. I am just confused as to why he can have him there and not her? By that I mean coping wise. The kids gran (his mum) has said she would take the lead when speaking to the child's mum as they know each other briefly.

@TooBigForMyBoots no it was triggered because they fell out and she moved out with his son. There was no MH involved on that situation. They were together months and she got pregnant so basically didn't last and then when he started seeing someone else she stopped him seeing his son, however he got a court order and all sorted in the end.

It is very stressful. And I am grateful I have somewhere to go etc. He doesn't get near her unless he comes into the place I'm living and we are all there.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 11/04/2022 20:23

Your DP would be worse than useless to your daughter.

Do you not see that a man who is depressed, drinking heavily, and completely unavailable emotionally is not someone in a position to help you with a baby, and has absolutely nothing to offer the baby? I mean ZERO, zilch, nothing. Having him involved with the baby would be the complete opposite of a good thing in her life or yours.

There is something seriously wrong with him. Your devotion is not going to help him, not is a relationship with his baby. He needs to return to the doctor. He needs to stop drinking. He is not capable of engaging in a relationship right now.

I'm glad the grandmother is going to try to help the boy who is limbered with regular visitation. I sincerely hope he will not have to have anything to do with his father until there is a massive improvement in his condition. Sending a child off to spend weekends with a man who is severely depressed and drinking heavily is incredibly distressing for the child and needs to be stopped.

Please clap yourself on the bach for removing yourself and your baby from the home you shared with this man, and do not be tempted to go back.

mathanxiety · 11/04/2022 20:28

I very much doubt that this man is coping with his DS when he visits. I would bet the farm that he drinks heavily and is completely unavailable to the child. It has to be unsafe and very distressing for him.

I hope you are not considering unsupervised contact with the baby. Babies do not need a drunk and depressed adult in their lives.

Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 20:43

@mathanxiety your probably right maybe it isn't great for his son. They do go on days out etc so maybe that's why it looks fine on the outside. He works constant night shifts which is probably the reason drinking is limited. Absolutely no way on this earth will he get unsupervised visits with her!

I had a discussion with him and he now has an emergency appointment with a therapist on Wednesday.

I've decided to stay away completely for the time being and not allowing him near my daughter

OP posts:
PatSpringleaf · 11/04/2022 20:44

Why would you want him anywhere near her? I'd be glad you're rid of him and move on with your life. Your daughter will never know any different.

I feel for his sonSad

LangClegsInSpace · 11/04/2022 21:49

If you have had 6 genuinely good years together and if this is honestly out of character then I can understand that you don't want to get rid of him. Only you know whether that's really the case.

But he can't be around your baby while he's like this and he shouldn't be around his older child either.

For now, you need to continue focusing on you and your baby. You have your arms full, you can't carry him too.

He needs to stop drinking. Until he can do that, he can't have a safe relationship with your child, or with you. He can't sort his MH issues out while he's drinking. He probably also needs to look for another job that is not night shifts, they are notoriously bad for both mental and physical health.

it was triggered because they fell out and she moved out with his son. There was no MH involved on that situation.

Why did they fall out? Do you know there were no MH issues or is this just what he told you? How old was his son when they split?

From what you have written it's possible this is an isolated period of mental ill health and you may be able to have many more good years together, if he does the work of sorting himself out.

It's also possible that this is just what he's like and you've been ignoring the signs for a very long time.

Even if this is an isolated illness, you may never be able to forgive him. You may never be able to trust him again.

Time will tell.

For the next few months, just concentrate on enjoying your lovely baby in a safe environment. Don't ever let him see her if he's been drinking and don't let him see her unsupervised until you are certain that he has properly stopped drinking and his mental health is stable.

Also let his son's mother know what's going on, regardless of what kind of relationship you have with her. She needs to be able to safeguard her child as well.

LangClegsInSpace · 11/04/2022 21:56

Also don't let this drag on. Don't put your own life on hold indefinitely. Set a date to make a decision about your relationship with him and stick to it.

Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 22:25

@LangClegsInSpace alot of what you've said is basically how it is. Definitely 6 genuinely good years and he Definitely wasnt anything like this atall.

Also when I say drinking, I mean when he is alone at night when he is off. He doesn't day drink or that sort of thing. Not that I'm saying its right I'm just painting a picture.

They just didn't get on. I know this is the truth because his mum has backed all of this up and seen as she is totally on my side with this situation I know she would have told me. Also his boys mum trusts him and is happy to hand him over in normal times. I appreciate she doesn't know what's going on. I am leaving that to the child's gran, purely because she has contact details and also said she'd prefer to.

I have and continue to concentrate on me and my baby and ideally if he were to get better I'd like to have our life back as it was great but I'll obviously do what's right by my daughter. Time will tell but in the meantime I'll stay away and keep him away from her.

OP posts:
Melvin2021 · 11/04/2022 22:27

Also his son was a year old when the fell out

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Sushi7 · 12/04/2022 07:29

Have you asked his ex why they broke up? You only have your DP’s word. You don’t know for sure whether MH issues contributed to the fall out. Also ask his dm if your DP has a history of MH issues. Seems very odd to suddenly change his personality. I’m not a psychiatrist but I think people can hide conditions such as BPD until there’s a trigger.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2022 16:01

Is the grandmother his mother or the ex's mother?

I wouldn't trust her to relay accurate info to the mother if she's his mother, frankly, and I think the child needs the company of a man who self medicates with alcohol and is emotionally unavailable like a fish needs a bicycle.

If he drinks daily on the days when his son is with his mother, there will be a lot of alcohol in his system.

Please don't assume he's ok with his son and don't assume his mother will tell the mother what's really going on.

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