Devastated by the loss of my cat and worried about my 2yo

[Twocrazycats]

Hi there! Not sure this is the best place to post it, please feel free to recommend moving it. Yesterday we lost our beloved cat. He was 16 and was the most amazing, adorable and beautiful cat ever. He and I were particularly attached, he always slept with me, cuddled all the time, was my support through hard times, etc. He was sick with a few conditions but we thought he could still live months or even years, and suddenly he got really sick, I rushed to the vet and was told there was nothing to do. So it was unexpected, not totally unexpected but I def thought we had more time with him. Anyway, I am absolutely devastated, cry all the time, it’s hurting so, so much. And I’m worried about my DD, who is almost 2. I know she realizes something is wrong because we had to run to the vet, we told her the “meow-meow” was very sick (she loved him too, more than any of the other family pets) and she must be noticing we are so sad. I don’t know how to make this easier for her, I don’t want to pretend nothing has happened because I think she’ll know I’m pretending to be ok but I’m not and that will cause her more stress but I am not sure how I can explain to her that we are sad, yes, but it’s normal and it’ll pass and has nothing to do with her in a way she understands. She’s a quite sensitive child that cries when an animal is upset or even with sad songs💔 so I’m very concerned of the effect this might have on her.

My condolences, OP. We lost our boy to a cat four weeks ago. I was like you and my teenagers cried their eyes out with me.
It does get better. Lots of tears the first week and then less the second and third. Now, I am looking to adopt a pair of new rescue cats.
Maybe your little one will cry. It's normal and healthy and part of the grieving process.
Be truthful and gentle with her. It is heartbreaking, it truly is, but it will get better, I promise.
Until then, do your grieving. There's nothing wrong with crying for a much loved family pet

A car, not a cat.

Thank you so much ❤️ I really appreciate you sharing your experience , it makes me feel understood and less alone, so, really, thank you. And my condolences for your loss too, sending a big hug

Do you read picture books with your daughter? There are some good ones that explain pet bereavement for small children. Goodbye Mog is the one that immediately springs to mind.

So sorry for your loss.

We had a similar event when our eldest was nearly 2 - now nearly 13 so a long time ago but we rushed to the vet and DS had to come too obviously.

I think there's a strong danger of projecting your grief onto your child. Yes she will be picking up on your sadness but her own processing of the events will be very different to yours as a 2yo lives very much "in the moment" and only has very hazy memories of things that were a few days ago. That's ok.

"Mummy is very sad because we lost Marmite. Can you give me a special feeling-better hug? You are so so good at hugging. We are all a family who love each other you and me and (name all the rest of the pets) but pets can't stay with us for ever and when its time for them to go it's very sad but we help each other with the sadness with lots of love and hugs"

Obviously a 2yo isn't going to fully comprehend what is going on but will pick up on the general gist of loving supportiveness and won't be overly traumatised.

Very sorry to hear about your cat OP. .

Your DD is probably too young for the Goodbye Mog book (which was good for slightly older children), but ypu might want to have a look at that?
Without wishing to sound unfeeling I'd recommend getting another cat quite quickly. A new cat never replaces one you have lost, but they do fill a cat shaped hole in your household, and your two year old will quickly adapt.

ah OP, it so hard losing a beloved pet. We lost our beautiful dog last July. She was 13 but her death was quite sudden. I was totally devastated. I cried for about 24 hours non stop. Cried so much it hurt. Our dc are older, (teens) but they also cried. We all shared in the sadness. it does get easier. We now can talk about her and remember the happy times. I still get a bit tearful every now and then at a particular memory or picture, the loss is always there, but it is manageable
I would say be honest with your daughter. If she sees you upset explain why. Talk about it being OK to be upset sometimes. Let her let you know if she feels sad too. She probably has less awareness of the situation at her age though.
Hope your sadness satrts to ease a little bit soon.

The best way I think is to tell her the facts in simple terms, and say you are sad and you might cry about it but is is ok and model getting on with life and showing resilience. I know you hoped for more time but 16 years with health conditions is good going ,doesn't make it easier but it puts in in perspective . I found my children were never as upset as I thought they should be! The first cat death we had a little funeral in the garden in the rain because I thought I should do it properly for the children but looking back it wasn't helpful and subsequent cats and dog we have just been open, acknowledged it is sad and buried them in the garden with no real fuss. Sadly this is partly why we have pets for children I think. As there will be other losses coming along in the future.

If she asks, tell her meow meow has gone to heaven,in the sky. Shes young enough not to get too upset about it.

The best way to heal the pain is to get a new kitten. It's kitten season now and there will be lots desperate for a loving home x

I know how you feel.
Our beautiful cat turned 2 yesterday. This morning she appears to have been hit by a car. Dh and dd(17) found her in the middle of the road, outside our house. She was still warm but had horrific injuries.
I had only fed her and cuddled her 10 minutes before.
We live on a small housing estate off the main road so it was likely a neighbour. They didn't stop.
She was microchipped and insured but they didn't take her for help.
I'm struggling at the moment, fuck knows how dd is going to cope. The two of them had the biggest bond.
I feel murderous right now and broken hearted.

One of my cats died, traumatically, a few years ago. I was devastated for weeks, but it gets better, honestly.

My children are older than yours- I think aged 6- 13 at the time and they were upset as well, but also unsettled by me being obviously upset.

I agree that it’s best to be honest but not project all of your grief on your child. Your feelings will be more complicated than your child’s, especially as you will have felt responsible for your cat in a way a child won’t.

Keep it simple. Miaow miaow was old and tired and died but he had a good life. Mummy is still very sad because she misses him.

At that age they take their lead from you. Yes it's sad but the cat was very old, sick and whilst you will miss him that's because you loved him. You gave him a great life and that's something to be happy about.
I've had a few much loved elderly cats die while my dc were small btw so I do understand.

I lost my cat two and a half years ago. He was 9. It’s honestly one of the most painful things I’ve had to deal with. His brother is now 12 and I’ve worried every day since about him. I’ve really struggled with the loss. I haven’t processed it. The children manage better I think. Don’t worry about your 2 year old. It’s ok for him to see you are upset but he doesn’t need to know exactly how you feel. I know when I feel overwhelmed with the grief I say oh I really miss babycat but he was so unwell and in pain so I’m so glad we looked after him and loved him so much. (But inside I feel a piece of my heart has gone and will never come back- and I’m crying now of course). I’m so sorry for your loss.

@BuanoKubiamVej

So sorry for your loss.

We had a similar event when our eldest was nearly 2 - now nearly 13 so a long time ago but we rushed to the vet and DS had to come too obviously.

I think there's a strong danger of projecting your grief onto your child. Yes she will be picking up on your sadness but her own processing of the events will be very different to yours as a 2yo lives very much "in the moment" and only has very hazy memories of things that were a few days ago. That's ok.

"Mummy is very sad because we lost Marmite. Can you give me a special feeling-better hug? You are so so good at hugging. We are all a family who love each other you and me and (name all the rest of the pets) but pets can't stay with us for ever and when its time for them to go it's very sad but we help each other with the sadness with lots of love and hugs"

Obviously a 2yo isn't going to fully comprehend what is going on but will pick up on the general gist of loving supportiveness and won't be overly traumatised.

This is lovely, and hits exactly the right note, I think.

I've just gone through the same with my cat. I don't recommend reading goodbye Mog just yet. I read it to a class as a supply teacher and had to send them to lunch early before I made a complete arse of myself crying in front of them! But I agree the first week is really hard but it does get easier. And be prepared for questions from your child. My DS asked me 'is (cat) still dead today' and similar because he didn't really have the understanding.

At that age they don't really process it as much as they'll process that you're upset.

I remember my cousin greeting me with great excitement to tell me their beloved dog had had to be put down... then at the end she said "and when he comes back I've still got his special ball for him".

@BuanoKubiamVej

So sorry for your loss.

We had a similar event when our eldest was nearly 2 - now nearly 13 so a long time ago but we rushed to the vet and DS had to come too obviously.

I think there's a strong danger of projecting your grief onto your child. Yes she will be picking up on your sadness but her own processing of the events will be very different to yours as a 2yo lives very much "in the moment" and only has very hazy memories of things that were a few days ago. That's ok.

"Mummy is very sad because we lost Marmite. Can you give me a special feeling-better hug? You are so so good at hugging. We are all a family who love each other you and me and (name all the rest of the pets) but pets can't stay with us for ever and when its time for them to go it's very sad but we help each other with the sadness with lots of love and hugs"

Obviously a 2yo isn't going to fully comprehend what is going on but will pick up on the general gist of loving supportiveness and won't be overly traumatised.

Thanks a lot for the advice, such a beautiful way of explaining it! I don’t expect her to be sad, I think she’s too young to understand it, but I’m worried she feels anxious because she sees me so sad. I explained to her what happened and why mummy is sad in a similar way to what you suggested and I think she’s ok. Thank you!

Thank you SO much for all the advices and condolences, I really appreciate it. And for those of you who have had a similar experience, I am very sorry for your loss. They are so loved that it hurts so, so much. My worry is not exactly that my toddler is sad about the loss, she doesn’t really understand that the cat is gone and there is no coming back. My concern is that she gets worried or anxious because she sees me sad and probably doesn’t really understand what’s happening and why mummy is sad. You have given me amazing advice, as I was unsure about how to handle it, and I just told her that mummy is sad because she misses meow meow, that she loved him very much and it’s normal to be sad for a while. The book some of you mentioned sounds very interesting, I’ll take a look at it but she might be too young to understand it. Again, thank you so much for your comments and advice