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Original poster

Where the fuck have my friends and family gone?

19 replies

Lockedoorsopen · 09/04/2022 22:45

So its a bit of a 'poor me' thread. ( Get the tiny violins out)

2 years ago my marriage imploded. Ten years, two kids.

There wasn't any 'rallying around' by very close friends and family I just had to get on with it. I would have LOVED support. The only person I could speak to was my relative who was against me leaving in the first place.

In the mean time I helped family members with severe mental health issues,, listened to my best friend about how much she wanted to leave her DH and her job, wrote court letters for another family member, as they wanted to represent themselves, took on a friend as an employee as they were in serious financial difficulties and arranged child care and lifts for them.

And all off these people genuinely dont give a shit about me.
I am not (usually ) a whinger but today I feel I have just been kicked in the tits by these people I genuinely care about

Ive Not been invited to two weddings to people pre lock down I was incredibly close with.

I am sat here thinking 'its because you've been missing for two years' but the reality is I've fucking been treading water, setting up a business so I dont lose my home for my kids.

So im sat here thinking well that's it - where's all your mates and family gone?

Meh

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 09/04/2022 22:55

I hear you. I went through an insurmountable amount of shit over several years whilst trying to be the perfect friend/cousin/partner/yada yada whilst barely, BARELY surviving (I very nearly didn't). Once I decided to take the 'doormat' sign off my head and be really selfish for the sake of my own survival did things improve. I don't take any bullshit from anyone any more, ever.

Original poster
Lockedoorsopen · 09/04/2022 23:12

@Squiff70

I hear you. I went through an insurmountable amount of shit over several years whilst trying to be the perfect friend/cousin/partner/yada yada whilst barely, BARELY surviving (I very nearly didn't). Once I decided to take the 'doormat' sign off my head and be really selfish for the sake of my own survival did things improve. I don't take any bullshit from anyone any more, ever.
Yeah I am at that point. I was told today that um 'too nice'. I'm not too nice, im just not a dick but that obviously translates in to mug.

How do you change with out completely alienating yourself though ?

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 09/04/2022 23:17

If you have to alienate yourself for a time in order to get through this then so be it.

Don't pander to others, especially if they're making emotional, physical or financial demands on you. You're a human being with a finite amount of patience. Why should you stretch yourself so thin you have nothing left to give?

Survival mode for a bit. Do what you need to do until things improve and people stop relying on you to carry them all the time.

I'm not saying don't care about others. I'm not saying tell everyone just to fuck off, but put yourself first in any given situation and ask yourself if you have the resources to cope with this on top of everything else. If the answer is no, take a huge step back but give them a gentle nod in the direction of other sources of help or support they could access.

oliviastwisted · 09/04/2022 23:19

TW:

I experienced similar with my family and friends after abuse came out in my family of origin. They rallied around supporting my parents who were supporting the abuser. My close friends, I realised, were the type that someone who is kind hearted but lacking boundaries attracts. One of them particularly bled me dry to the emotional bone when I was in my worst space and then judged the hell put of me and my parenting for not giving my children a “family”. Like the poster above I have learned all about my how my upbringing contributed to me being a complete doormat and I have learned to be a much healthier and a stronger person. I was the common denominator in attracting my friends so I had to change. That was actually a positive that came our of the whole dreadful experience.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/04/2022 23:26

People are loyal to your usefulness to them.
I realised that I only ever heard from people when they wanted my help, advice or guidance. Not to share in the good stuff.
Fuck em all.

Original poster
Lockedoorsopen · 09/04/2022 23:28

@oliviastwisted

TW:

I experienced similar with my family and friends after abuse came out in my family of origin. They rallied around supporting my parents who were supporting the abuser. My close friends, I realised, were the type that someone who is kind hearted but lacking boundaries attracts. One of them particularly bled me dry to the emotional bone when I was in my worst space and then judged the hell put of me and my parenting for not giving my children a “family”. Like the poster above I have learned all about my how my upbringing contributed to me being a complete doormat and I have learned to be a much healthier and a stronger person. I was the common denominator in attracting my friends so I had to change. That was actually a positive that came our of the whole dreadful experience.

Yes I know I am a door mat, that's been proven today. And yes its its probably down to me being people pleaser because of my up bringing.And yes when I was at my lowest ebb I had a friend that was emotional dumping on me.

If you changed what is your friendship circle like now? I'm actually scared of losing people

OP posts:
Original poster
Lockedoorsopen · 09/04/2022 23:30

@Squiff70

If you have to alienate yourself for a time in order to get through this then so be it.

Don't pander to others, especially if they're making emotional, physical or financial demands on you. You're a human being with a finite amount of patience. Why should you stretch yourself so thin you have nothing left to give?

Survival mode for a bit. Do what you need to do until things improve and people stop relying on you to carry them all the time.

I'm not saying don't care about others. I'm not saying tell everyone just to fuck off, but put yourself first in any given situation and ask yourself if you have the resources to cope with this on top of everything else. If the answer is no, take a huge step back but give them a gentle nod in the direction of other sources of help or support they could access.

I am in survival mode im just worried if I let go I will have no one when I come through the end of it
OP posts:
Original poster
Lockedoorsopen · 09/04/2022 23:31

@SpiderinaWingMirror

People are loyal to your usefulness to them. I realised that I only ever heard from people when they wanted my help, advice or guidance. Not to share in the good stuff. Fuck em all.
Oh this I have experienced today/this week.

Especially people using my business for free then treating me like a dickhead after

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 09/04/2022 23:47

Look at it another way, these family members and friends all see you as someone who is highly organized and come to you for help so maybe they do not realize that you need someone to talk to if you have always been the one everyone goes to so see it in that light. Reach out to them and tell them you need some support and am sure they will be there for you. Sorry you have had such a terrible time but things will improve and there will be good times ahead xx

WildBlueAndDitzy · 10/04/2022 01:49

Of the people you're surrounded with are no good for you (only ever taking and never giving) then losing them is s good thing not s bad thing. If you change to be a healthier person, people who liked the unhealthy version of you might not like the new version! Don't lower or dismantle your boundaries to make other people feel comfortable. Cutting out dead wood makes space for new growth. Better people will come into your life once you're not giving over all your energy to losers.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 10/04/2022 01:50

Sorry it's late that should say "users" not "losers" although they may well be both!

Ladyofthepeonies · 10/04/2022 08:53

May I join you in your poor me, dropped flowers off for friend last week, only to discover they have put their house on the market and sold it (we’ve spoken in the time it’s been on the market, but she never mentioned it). I’ve had no contact since I they might have even moved already. I’ve been there though everything when I can but, obviously no longer needed. How bad am I that my friend has to sneak away.

oliviastwisted · 10/04/2022 09:13

If you changed what is your friendship circle like now? I'm actually scared of losing people

Yes it is smaller, as especially the type of people who only consider themselves aren’t going to change so I had to drop those, but it is more fun and it is better. I have also become way more self reliant and open to new experiences.

I don’t have enormous amounts of time for friends at the moment because I have a lot of activities and family commitments with my own kids. I have no contact with extended family but I have enough really good friends that I can socialise whenever I want and their friendship needs and expectations match well to my own. I also have loads of great work friendships with people I really get on with. My life is extremely peaceful. I have knocked significant amounts of the drama both family and friend on the head and I love that.

blackheartsgirl · 10/04/2022 09:20

I hear you! I lost my husband last year, I had people rally round when I was sad and interesting but now nowhere to be seen.

I don’t talk about dh much to people anymore, haven’t for months but I have tried to stay in touch with people, ask them for coffee and meet ups, asked if thier ok but they’ve really withdrawn. Guess it’s me I suppose.

DebtheSander · 10/04/2022 09:22

@SpiderinaWingMirror

People are loyal to your usefulness to them. I realised that I only ever heard from people when they wanted my help, advice or guidance. Not to share in the good stuff. Fuck em all.
Bingo.

This is unfortunately very true for many people. I am viewed as the strong one in my family and friendship group. The one who gets on and does.

I have become increasingly aloof over the past few years as I have come to realise that very few people are interested in me as a person. They are far more interested in how useful I am. But are nowhere to be seen on the rare occasion I need help. Fuck that.

I now have a very small number of people I would call friends. Everyone else is just a neighbour or acquaintance. It works beautifully.

Step1234 · 10/04/2022 09:23

In the mean time I helped family members with severe mental health issues,, listened to my best friend about how much she wanted to leave her DH and her job, wrote court letters for another family member, as they wanted to represent themselves, took on a friend as an employee as they were in serious financial difficulties and arranged child care and lifts for them

You didnt have to do any of this. You did it because you're a nice person but other people see doormat. I only do things for people who would do the same for me, after a lifetime of people pleasing. I've lost a lot of "friends" but the one or two I've got left i know i can rely on. Fuck everyone else!

Templeblossom · 10/04/2022 09:47

Step1234

In the mean time I helped family members with severe mental health issues,, listened to my best friend about how much she wanted to leave her DH and her job, wrote court letters for another family member, as they wanted to represent themselves, took on a friend as an employee as they were in serious financial difficulties and arranged child care and lifts for them
Why on earth would you do this when you needed support yourself ? Confused

On these type of threads everyone wades in with they are awful, selfish people but always, always the Op is there huffiñg and puffing, getting involved in other peoples lives and neglecting themselves.
If you dont put yourself first ,why on earth do you expect other people too?

Loopytiles · 10/04/2022 09:51

You chose to do things for others, at a time when you had a lot going on yourself - you gave way much more than you could afford.

Relationships should be reciprocal.

Helocariad · 10/04/2022 10:42

@Loopytiles

You chose to do things for others, at a time when you had a lot going on yourself - you gave way much more than you could afford.

Relationships should be reciprocal.

This. Self care is what you need above all else. Don't give to others what you haven't given to yourself first. Keep an eye out for people who DO reciprocate and cherish them.
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