How do you learn to like yourself and ask for what you want or need?

[Imherenowandthen]

I have very low self esteem, don’t like the way I look or things I’ve done in the past. I’m overweight, but when I’ve lost weight in the past I didn’t like the way I looked any more than now. My bf likes how I look.

I really need to find more confidence, be able to say what I want or don’t want. Things like needing some time to myself for example or anything really. It’s like there’s a physical block that stops me saying anything. I feel stupid and embarrassed.

Is there an app or book or online programme to work through that helps with self esteem and being able to stick up for yourself that you can recommend? I’ve had some counselling, but didn’t find it that helpful. I understand about needing to talk to myself kindly, but it still hasn’t given me confidence.

Hello lovely
There are a few things
Practising
Those memes help a little bit let me go and find one

images.app.goo.gl/qBgVgyW8tTLEp6u47

Thanks

You can't change the past so some way of working on forgiving yourself for things you've done and making amends if possible. I would think looking for a website for people coming out of prison might have some information on the subject (not saying you've done anything bad enough for prison!)

Accepting that how you feel about how you look doesn't necessarily reflect the reality of how you look. And accepting others don't share your opinion about how you look. Maybe check out eating disorders website for help with this aspect (not saying you have eating disorder!)

Women's support for leaving abusive relationship should have some information on improving self esteem (you're relationship sounds good but often women have low self esteem after abusive relationship so might be a source of information). Basically it's doing things to prove to yourself that you can. Start small and work your way upto bigger things. Celebrate your successes. Dust yourself off and try again if something is a failure or only a partial success. Accept you're not going to be good at everything and that this is fine.

Local library will have books on assertiveness, that will teach you how to stand up for yourself as well as when to do so. It will help with valuing yourself. Everyone has the same rights for themselves and responsibilities towards others.

Thank you, a lot of useful ideas

Is there any specific books you’d recommend, that actually work? Preferably something like a work book to work my way through. My attention span is quite short and I really want to achieve some fairly quick results. I’m so tired of being the way I am.

@Imherenowandthen

Is there any specific books you’d recommend, that actually work? Preferably something like a work book to work my way through. My attention span is quite short and I really want to achieve some fairly quick results. I’m so tired of being the way I am.

If it was that simple, therapists would go out of business.

Changing how you think isn't an easy process and it's a slow process. Realising you need to change is key. Lots of people are unhappy with the results they're getting but at the same time they're not wanting to change anything. You've already got a head start on those people, you realise you need to change.

Whilst you can't change overnight, you can start the process of changing today. Treat it as a long term project. Think of it as doing a degree in self improvement, if that helps. Seek out reasources, do your research, make plans (for example, things to boost self esteem, times during the week to "study" this subject etc) and implement those plans. If you change nothing, then nothing changes. This is within your control. You can be happier.

In addition to my suggestions on where to look for the specific information you wanted, you could also look at general mental health and wellbeing advice that's not aimed at a specific condition, since a lot of the basics are tied up with feeling better about life and yourself. Things like meditation, healthy eating, counteracting negative thought patterns etc.

I think this is a helpful site.
www.life-with-confidence.com/self-esteem.html

Hi OP I am very similar and have very low self esteem. I’ve done a few business courses that always start off with modules about mindset. Now the tools these course have recommended that I have found that works for me is journaling. Either in a notebook, on your phone notes app, or on a word document on your pc just starting writing about whatever is in your mind. The first couple of pages is usually quite superficial but as you go on just letting all your thoughts out it really really helps you to see what has been going on.
I started this last December where I was going through a tough time at work and I just started writing out everything that I didn’t like and in the end is was like 20 a5 pages but I had this clarity and calmness of finally understanding why I wasn’t happy. I’ve since done around issues I have with money (that’s usually the main focus in these business courses) and self esteem and now I understand WHY I have low self esteem I can now work on changing my thought patterns. Sometimes I have to give myself a stern talking to when those negative thoughts start creeping in but it’s a work in process, and journaling has been the one thing that has helped me, so maybe it will help you too.
It does feel silly to begin with though but once you get into the flow it really is an incredibly healing process

I found reading nice girls dont get the corner office really helped me be ok with expressing my needs - almost like it gave me permission.

Thanks everyone.

I’ve started journaling a few times, but yes end up writing nothing interesting and give up! Maybe I need to keep going ..

I know it can’t be an immediate change but I’m so fed up of being like this and I know that if I don’t see results fairly quickly I’ll give up trying (sounds like an excuse but I do have mental health problems).

I’ll look up the site and the book

The thing with journaling is it works best when your feelings are quite strong and you really need to start at the beginning so try starting with:
The first memory I have of feeling negative about myself was…… and then work through your childhood and try and write about each any every time you recall feeling worthless/self-conscious etc as you feelings will most likely stem from childhood. Only when you find the problem can you start to fix it

Then once you’ve written you self esteem story, you’ve got to imagine it was told to you by your best friend or boyfriend or someone close to you and it was their story. You then have to write down what you would say to that person because we are our harshest critics. In my story I wrote about remembering feeling worthless because I didn’t have the correct branded jumper as a teen, if that was my best friend I would tell her that that is crazy and her value isn’t in the clothes she wears but the person she is. Trying talking to yourself like you’re your best friend and not your worst enemy.

That’s very helpful, thank you. I hadnt thought of doing that.

This book is very useful, with good ways to handle your negative self talk and is here as a pdf!

vdoc.pub/documents/the-feeling-good-handbook-1i33ia78gmp8

I have recently completed a 14 week personal development course. Because of covid it was online but it was brilliant. It was ran by a recognised accredited counselling group and it was so beneficial for self esteem and communication skills. Journelling was a big part of the course.

You could try thrive by Rob Kelly or there are free podcasts that remind you that your thoughts are all optional and not real and just an opinion- unfck your brain or the life coach school.

Thank you, I’ll have a look.