Is it rude not to reciprocate children’s birthday invitation?

[CorneliusVetch]

I’m trying to arrange a party for my little one at the end of the month (she will be 4). We have booked a soft play party package which includes up to 18 children, quite a few spaces of which are taken up with her cousins and children of close friends. She wants to invite some friends from nursery, but there are two children she hasn’t mentioned whose party she was invited to (one was at this same place). That would take us to 19, if I included all her cousins and the friends she has said she wants to come.

Is it rude not to invite back the children whose parties she went to, or does no one really care? I’ve never organised a children’s party before and don’t want to upset the parents, especially as they might end up going to the same school.

(I expect there would be space anyway because people won’t come, but I don’t want to over invite just in case. Also just wondering for future reference)!

It's rude. It might backfire in future years for further parties.

If you're only inviting a few from nursery then it's probably fine. If you we're inviting several from nursery but leaving out those whose party she'd been to it probably would be considered bad form and you run the risk of annoying the parents. At this age, the kids won't know or care!

I think it’s rude, yes.

I think it's a bit rude.

Would your DC rather have nursery friends as opposed to cousins and your friends DC?

You're probably better with the nursery reciprocated invites than children of your friends tbh.

Nursery friends before children of friends.

Thanks everyone for the responses, that’s really helpful. I suspected as much. I will make sure they’re included.

newname23 yes, I’ll invite the nursery friends she has mentioned and cut from my friends’ kids. DD is mates with their children but I can explain to my friend and they won’t mind at all (in fact will probably be relieved not to have to go to a soft play party!)

I used to worry about reciprocal invitations a lot but then read some advice which said that your responsibility when you accept a party invitation is to turn up on time, bring a present, behave well and say thanks when you leave. That’s as far as the obligation goes. If I (or my child) has done all that then I no longer feel guilty if I don’t reciprocate the invitation.

Having said that I would never leave out just one or two children if I was inviting everyone else in their nursery or class. That would definitely be mean and rude.

@N4ish

Having said that I would never leave out just one or two children if I was inviting everyone else in their nursery or class. That would definitely be mean and rude.

Oh God, I agree - I wouldn’t do that! It’s 5 friends she has mentioned, plus the other 2, so 7, and there must be at least 25 in her nursery class on any given day judging by the photos we receive.

Pre-school we only invited a number of child guests that roughly matched the age of the birthday child. That was quite enough with four of our own.

All our sons were summer-born thank god so we did birthday parties outdoors, as much as possible. Paddling pools, hide and seek etc. By the time birthdays reached double figures, the birthday child and guests usually preferred some (very supervised) outdoor activity (rowing little boats in the park; campfire cooking, raft building, fishing, building bivouacs for sleep-out., crazy golf, hiking up a river.)

Yes it's rude, but equally it goes the other way. As a parent of a summer born DC I wouldn't consider inviting children who had not invited DC to their parties during the school year.

I don't think it is rude. That would be like only giving presents so that you get one in return. Everyone should accept that generally parties have cost/capacity constraints and sometimes it will mean your child will not be invited. Invite who you/your child would like.

I know someone who always gives a more generous gift if she's not reciprocating the invite.

I don't think it's rude. Have a party of whatever size you like, don't increase it just to make up reciprocal invitations.

The gift is the equaliser for the party, not an invite to another party. Some people like massive parties and others prefer something quieter and more intimate.

If it helps I always used to over - invite to these sort of parties when my dc were that age. Eg if the limit was 15 I'd invite around 17 as there were always at least 2 that couldn't make it or flaked out on the day. I don't think we ever had a dc party where every single child invited could attend so it worked pretty well and meant that no one was left out.

Yes it's rude, but equally it goes the other way. As a parent of a summer born DC I wouldn't consider inviting children who had not invited DC to their parties during the school year.

Really?! It would bother you that much? I can't even remember the names of the kids who invited my summer born child to their party. I get the invite, respond, buy a present and that's that. I don't give a rats arse who comes to my kid's party. I don't worry about always inviting those kids back as it's usually a whole class party and I can't afford to do that. I invite who she wants and that's that 🤷‍♀️

Chances are not everyone will come anyway, can you send invites out in waves? All the nursery kids will need to be invited at the same time, and all cousins together (as long as the don't know your friends), then fill remaining places with friends kids.

As long as you start early (now for end if months) you can stagger by a week or so and still give the second wave enough notice. As as the groups won't know each other, no one will know they were invited at different times. If you're lucky someone from nursery will have plans that day anyway, so you can invite everyone you wanted anyway.

At four I maybe would reciprocate, as your child won’t care that much. As they get older it’s more about who they are friendly with.

DS was one of the older ones in the year so we've done more inviting as we continued "whole class" "all the boys" from the previous year and people scaled down through the year.
The only complaint I have about not reciprocating is that the two families who mucked us about (one randomly turning up with other parents and no RSVP, and the other flip-flopping until 2 hours to go) both happened to never invite DS to anything over the years.

Logically if it's always done on reciprocating you'll start with a whole class party in yN and still be doing it in y6.
Size constraints are a thing. Excluding a small number without excellent reason (e.g. bullying) is a no-no.

As you're close to limits, I'd invite nursery first with a fairly short turn around on RSVP and you're likely to have enough gaps to cover the others.

We did do a class party and the entire class did turn up! The 30 presents was the killer

For those saying it's rude, how do you work it? Do you only accept an invite if you KNOW you can definitely invite this kid back in 6 months? What if they fall out in that time? If you can only do a party for 10 so say 4 class spots, do you only accept invites to the top four friends?

This is so transactional! What if some kids haven't had a birthday party? Should they not be invited?

Ask the Softplay if they will accept just 1 extra. Likely at least 1 will drop out anyway.

So if the oldest child in a class has an all class party does that mean everyone else has to as well so all the reciprocal invites work? Or if some parents don't do a party at all does that mean their child should never be invited to anyone's party because they can't reciprocate? And over what time period does the reciprocity rule apply? School year or calendar year? What if people are working with different calendars, does that mean your 17 yo will have to invite Sally from her nursery class because you've always reciprocated even though the DC hate each other?

Of course not. Invite who you want. It's perfectly fine to only invite your child's friends. I'm damned if I'm inviting little Johnny to my DCs party when they never play together and little Johnny only invited DC because it was an all class party.

If you are only inviting 20% of the class it’s less of an issue. Perhaps the other kids had whole class parties or were asked to choose more nursery friends.
I would definitely try to make space if these children will go to school with your DD next year.