What to do when you are 52 and have failed spectacularly in every area of your life

[Burnittotheground]

Just that. My very long 26 year old marriage is on the rocks and I sense that it is breaking up. I have done all I can and can't do more. I have failed at being a parent of my adult DD, who hates me for various complicated reasons. ( I am deliberately not going into details because I have hashed this out already in therapy and on MN. Concluded that I have done all I can with both. Covid did not help). I have achieved some success in my career, but mostly failed at that too and not made much money ( mostly because I was supporting DH's career. However, I have my own inherited money.) I have failed at keeping friends and have very few. thanks to moving around a lot.

What next? I feel bleak and disappointed in myself and everyone else. DH used to be so crazy in love with me that friends would comment on it. Now he is very much not. DD used to adore me. Now, she doesn't. I feel a fool for putting so much into them. I can travel. Get a pet. Get a hobby. Get my own place. But none of that seems very appealing. I feel depleted.

Posting because I'm also 52 and off work with a terrible bout of depression which the meds are tackling. Just wondered very prosaically if your GP is involved. But I do know what you mean. We hit our limits, the future has arrived and... that's it.

I would say, don't get a pet [stares with loathing at cat hairballs]

I have an appointment with my GP next week. I am definitely depressed but for a reason, if you know what I mean. I have hit my limits. You are exactly right. I will take meds if she suggests it.

I should mention that I have a DS who seems able to tolerate me. I think I have succeeded with him but he is off to uni soon.

Meanwhile, I am doing some volunteering. It's nice to see people who are actually grateful for my help and not continually resenting me.

I think mine is reactive depression too but at our age I'm riffling through the possible reasons like a deck of cards.

Ds is off to university this year and although that's all great, it's a big life change.

Tbh the run up or down to the end of a marriage is just the shittiest of the shit times. That's when I was last on ADs but it was 20 years ago in my case.

Work is utterly shit. I can't see myself going back but I do know that's the depression talking.

What I would say, with a desperate Pollyanna grin, is that 52 really is not old. There genuinely is still a future and possibilities, though they may not look how we thought they would. You are clearly doing a hell of a lot of good things with 2 very independent children, a job and voluntary work.

I'm sorry you feel so disappointed with life but 52 is a good age to start over. Volunteering helped me tremendously but you need to be valued and appreciated and not taken for granted. Take baby steps and your future will appear clearer.

You could try to reframe all this.

You have enjoyed almost 26 years of a loving relationship.
You have a loving (?) relationship with your son.
It is possible things will improve with your daughter in the future.
You have had some success at work.
You have a few friends.
You have enough money.

All these things are fantastic .

It sounds to me like you are tired. Plain old tired with all the ripples this creates.

But you need energy to embrace a new life. You will hopefully make new friends, either change or have further success in your career. Travel, pets etc, who knows but you I feel you need time and energy to start making some new decisions.

To buck yourself up could you spend time with the friends you do have and frankly get out walking and moving and try to wake yourself up?

Focus on you: do things that make YOU happy. Happiness, respect is catching. So if you’re happy in yourself and have self-respect others will too.

What to do?
First, hang on to the fact that you did everything you could. You made the best choices with the info available at the time. You do not need to be disappointed in yourself. Tell yourself everyday that you did your best. But, shit happens.

Then, grit your teeth through the divorce, which will inevitably be an emotional rollercoaster.

At the same time, now is the time to focus on and prioritise yourself. Take stock of your financial situation, including retirement projections. Then you know if you need to prioritise pension or not. At 52, you could still get 15 years in a defined benefit CARE pension, which will keep you from poverty and disaster (eg NHS or Civil Service).

Also, write your bucket list. Short term local stuff to keep you going through the divorce (eg lavender fields, lunch in xyz restaurant etc, visit abc seaside town). And also your life bucket list. Seeing the pyramids etc. Or personal goals like getting physically fit (see trainwithjoan on Instagram, proper inspirational, starting fitness at 70 and now at 75 she is honestly amazing). Now you live your life for you, beholden to no one. And you may well have another 30+ years, so plenty of time - you can dream big. It's actually exciting. A session with a decent life coach might help you think of goals across different domains, which is helpful as this sort of idea generation is surprisingly difficult if you aren't in the habit of it (which you might not be, if you have been putting others first for 26 years). Reclaim YOUR life. Live it for you. The world is your oyster.

And be kind to yourself. The divorce will be shit. Nurture yourself. Xxx

I think this age can be a low point even when everything is going "right" iyswim. And just now you are in a run of bad things happening.

Time to look into self compassion.
You certainly haven't been a fool, you've been living life to the best of your ability and did what was appropriate at that stage of your life.
Glad your son is providing some positive feedback. Ime that increases as they get independent and come back to share a more adult to adult relationship.

Hi OP, I'm 50 and have mixed feelings about where I've got to in life for similar reasons as you. It's all a bit shit. I'd second trying medication if offered, though be prepared for trial and error - for me it was the 3rd AD that worked.

The situation with your daughter sounds heartbreaking, I'm sorry. But relationships do change further in adulthood. I was barely speaking to my mum in my early 20s and now we're close. So there's hope.

But maybe you need to practise being friends with yourself first. You sound very focused on you failing or lacking relationships with others. Sorry, kitchen psychology.

It’s interesting that you regard these things as “failure”. There’s so much you have got right, and things that don’t go as we want them aren’t necessarily a sign of failing.

You have tried your best in your relationships, that shows integrity. So congratulations on having integrity because some people don’t.

You have worked hard for a living, be proud of that. What you earned is irrelevant.

You have kept some friends despite having to constantly uproot yourself and start again. So be proud of that because it says you are a friend worth having.

You are volunteering despite feeling so down, that makes you a really good person who is helping others, but trying to help yourself move forward to. Be proud of that.

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. I do think I need to reframe my thinking. Several of my friends are divorced or separated, and I don't think of them as having failed, so why do I think of myself as one? I guess it's because I am not blameless in this whole mess, though I do not know how I could have predicted some terrible events, including the pandemic which really hit DD hard. I hope my DD will come back to me; currently her therapist says she must find her own way in the world.

It isn't as if I do not do things on my own. I have booked to see an art exhibition tomorrow. But I do still feel sad that DD or DH won't come with me as it is the kind of thing they would enjoy greatly. Maybe in the future when we get to a better place.

I do exercise a lot and it is my saviour. Walk and swim almost daily. I hope the ADs make me feel more energetic and optimistic rather than catastrophising.

I think this age can be a low point even when everything is going "right" iyswim. And just now you are in a run of bad things happening.

This, absolutely. Early 50's can be such an odd time and quite transitional regardless of whether things are going 'well' or not. But others are right, you still have a lot of life to live and maybe a change of mindset that you can do whatever you want to do without worrying about others enjoying it too can be quite liberating.

It is great that you even recognise that you are catastrophising . Keep trying to talk sense into yourself .

It is super that you are exercising a lot. Personally I find hanging out with single friends is very uplifting.

This stood out to me “currently her therapist says she must find her own way in the world” - it feels like this could also apply to you and the next chapter in your life. Who are you when you’re not being a mother and a wife? You still have a lot of life to live and it’s up to you what you now chose to do with it.

@Chamomileteaplease

You could try to reframe all this.

You have enjoyed almost 26 years of a loving relationship.
You have a loving (?) relationship with your son.
It is possible things will improve with your daughter in the future.
You have had some success at work.
You have a few friends.
You have enough money.

All these things are fantastic .

It sounds to me like you are tired. Plain old tired with all the ripples this creates.

But you need energy to embrace a new life. You will hopefully make new friends, either change or have further success in your career. Travel, pets etc, who knows but you I feel you need time and energy to start making some new decisions.

To buck yourself up could you spend time with the friends you do have and frankly get out walking and moving and try to wake yourself up?

This is absolutely right in every respect. You haven’t failed.

I’m a coach and I often work with women in their fifties who are experiencing great changes in their lives - marriage breakup, redundancy, the last child leaving home - to help them transition into a new phase of life that allows them to focus more on themselves and what they want. One thing I can tell you from my work is that this can be a wonderful and fulfilling time for women, full of new beginnings and thr opportunity to explore new interests and forge deep friendships. Women in their fifties are incredibly resilient; the more I work with them, the more I’m filled with admiration for them. Like my clients, you have the opportunity to reshape your life into something that fits the person you are now. You can do it!

Sorry to hear about your problems. But as others have said there are a lot of positives in your life, so you need to reframe. The end of a long marriage can be hard. But sometimes it is the best way forward. Only you can tell whether the pain of divorce is worth it. You say you have tried all that you could possibly have done, so I guess there's your answer. But do think carefully if you really have done all you can. I went through a painful divorce and at the time I was convinced that all problems were my husband's fault. But in the years since the divorce I have had time to think about it, and if I could do it all over again, there are things I would do better. I could have tried harder to see things from his point of view, and tried harder to understand why he was unhappy (because I know he was). You say that your husband once loved you so much. So what changed? It is worth thinking about that deeply instead of just saying something easy like we just fell out of love. Things happen for a reason even though we may not be always aware of the reason. I guess your husband could have done certain things differently but you don't have control over that. Is is possible that you have done something to cause the death of love? And can you do something now to restore that? Sometimes divorce is the best option. But I know in my case it wasn't. Just be sure that there really is nothing you can do to mend things. Just be honest with yourself. Whatever you choose to do, good luck