Told my teen today she was being selfish and now I’m the devil !

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

I’ve hurt her feelings

We’ve been decluttering and cleaning today and sorting out some of her old toys
For what she wants to keep for any any children she may have someday and sorting out what she can sell
Well what I’ll do all the work for and sell on eBay
Anyway she’s was being moody and stroppy and crying
It turned into a tow and I told her how she was behaving was selfish
And now she’s flipped it on me

Ah maybe she’s not quite ready to get rid of it all yet!

It can be hard to be a teenager and desperately want to be treated like an adult but still feel like a child inside sometimes.

The one word that deeply upsets my kids is ‘selfish’ - they find it really cutting, and would see it as equal to being called a bully. Her feelings are valid, she obviously is upset, and is struggling to let go. We have a strong opt-in on clear outs - treasured things like skates or heelies, they get to keep the money if they’re ready to sell them. Clothes they are allowed to keep very special ‘favourites’ (for now). I’d struggle to part with things that I love, so I feel sympathetic towards your daughter.

It sounds like you're being a jerk.

It sounds like a stressful day for both of you. Calling her selfish isn't ideal, it sounds like a bit of a character assassination, particularly in response to decluttering, which can be quite emotive. Perhaps go in smaller sessions? Allow a "trial seperation" period when some items are boxed in the loft to see if she misses them?

I didn’t say she was selfish I said her behaviour was selfish and I made that clear

She was allowed to keep anything she wanted and was also allowed to sell anything she didn’t want to keep
Well
I would have listed it for her and posted etc
And given her the money so she wasn’t being forced to get rid of stuff
But she couldn’t see the point in dusting the stuff
Even after I explained well if it’s going to be stored or sold either way it needs a quick wipe over

Teens can be selfish at times, you're right!

Once I’ve had time to think about it, if I’ve said something like that (I try not to but occasionally I do), I apologise. Then I explain my needs and ask what they need. Almost always ends with them also apologising (not asked for) and both of us feeling better. And getting the thing done, mostly.
However, not yet quite a teen, so may not ‘work’ in a year or so!

Teenagers are very unpredictable lol Take no notice.

Goodness, a teen arguing with her mother.
I doubt you would feel great if your other half asked you to here and now assess your belongings- sell/give away/keep- oh and make sure everything is clean.
If she doesn’t want to do it, leave it. I’m not sure why you are so concerned with her stuff/toys. As long as it’s kept in her room and is tidy, who cares. As she gets older she will naturally want to get rid of toys she outgrown or want to make space for something else. That would be the right point to make such assessments. Not because her mum has decided to spring clean one day. She doesn’t have control of the household food budget, or the family holidays or what fridge to buy. But she should have control over her own things.

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid that she thinks you’re being unreasonable (you are). As long as she is not being disrespectful about it- move on. Focus on decluttering your own crap

I think most teenagers are selfish, it’s some self preservation instinct. Maybe goes back to the hunter gatherer days.
She’ll get over it. Especially if you’re clearing out some of your own stuff.

Sounds like she just wasn't in the right mood for doing it that day. Not the same situation but my mum worked at a school for handicapped children as a physiotherapist. Always remember her regularly coming in my room and taking toys she'd decided I'd outgrown to take into the school. As a teenager she took my entire Lego collection, some of which I'd got from my brother, never got over that! I was berated for being selfish, that the kids at school were poorly and loved having new stuff to play with.

Needed to be done as we are having building work done

YABU to expect a teenager to respond like an adult. Read up on teenage brain development. They are literally like toddlers in taller bodies in terms of their emotions.

I wouldn't want anyone telling me to get rid of my stuff that I wanted to keep. And then tell me that I am behaving selfishly for not wanting to get rid.

All people can be selfish. You sound exasperated and under pressure to get ready for builders- maybe step back and negotiate a middle ground without putting her on the defensive by labelling her behaviour.

@Guineapigssweak

Teenagers are very unpredictable lol Take no notice.

If a teen is crying and saying you've hurt her, then you shouldn't just ignore that - bad advice there. Even if you personally think it's over something trivial or irrational, you should still listen to what they're telling you rather than simply dismissing them.

Teenagers can be selfish. And they can be twats. Sometimes they're selfish twats.

Its meant to be this way. I don't know why, but I do know that all teenagers go through phases of this. It can also turn from selfish twattery to funny and interesting at the drop of a hat.

Just wipe the slate clean, have a giggle and get on with the rest of the job. Make a cuppa.

Remember you were a teenager once. And you probably had moments of being selfish. And being a twat. And being a selfish twat. You turned out ok tho!

She didn’t have to get rid of thing ! Just write it with a baby wipe for storage

Wipe it

If she doesn’t clear her stuff because of the building work and things get damaged, then that’s her lesson to learn. Just leave her to it. If builders chuck it in a skip, then she can fish it out.

Who cares if she thinks you’re the devil, what teenager doesn’t think that!

Learn not to care as much, it will make you happier and less sensitive to teenage outbursts

We drew a line in the sand on "selfish behaviour" long before they reached their teens. Actually we rarely needed to mention SB because the infant siblings themselves were red-hot peer negotiators.