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Original poster

Autism and anxiety

16 replies

uglyflowers · 07/04/2022 21:45

My 16 yr old had a total breakdown tonight because it’s no uniform at school tomorrow (fundraiser for the Ukrainian). He has cried hysterically and I’ve tried every single thing but have given in and given him the day off. He says he can’t cope with the change in routine. He’s pretty high functioning, doing ok at school, a couple of friends…so I’m shocked and upset by how much he couldn’t cope with this.
He isn’t medicated for anxiety but it definitely seems to be getting worse. I was thinking of getting him a psychotherapist after his GCSEs in June. It’ll have to be privately as everyone keeps telling me about the massive waiting list if we try to go through the NHS.

Not really posting for advice. I just feel so miserable. I want to support him but I don’t even know who to turn to. It’s nigh on impossible to get a face to face appointment with the GP.

OP posts:

Random789 · 07/04/2022 21:56

So sorry to hear how hard this is for you and your son. I haven't got any advice, but I did want to mention that I can think of a couple of boys who were schoolmates with my sons and who found non-uniform days really stressful and upsetting.

One of my sons (who was eventually diagnosed with ASD) also found it moderately upsetting. Certainlly it gave him no joy at all.

Hopefully the teachers at your son's school will have some experience and understanding of the upset that it can cause for some students.

It is such a tough time for you both -- autism and all the horrors of adolescence all rolled up. Be kind to yourselves and remember that things can get easier, as he grows in self-understanding and leaves some of the rawness of adolescence behind.

I hope he enjoys his day off!

venusmay · 07/04/2022 21:56

My dd is autistic and I sympathise. She struggles with school full stop and also suffers with anxiety.i think sometimes it is better to go with what is best for their mental health as they can't learn if they are stressed.

Electrox · 07/04/2022 22:02

It's worth persevering to speak to a doctor, even if a phone appointment. It's relevant that your DS' anxiety is affecting his life in significant ways now, so this needs to be made clear. You don't want this dismissed as normal teenage angst. They may be able to signpost you to local organisations who support young people. Also he might as well at least join the waiting list for NHS therapy as he may still benefit from it when the time comes.

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AthenaWhite · 07/04/2022 22:05

I sympathise. I see dd in so much pain over, seemingly, small things. At times she just can't find any peace. It is agony to watch. She has had some counselling via cahms which was okay as far as it went but far too little. We can't afford anything privately. She is off to the gp next week

Blurp · 07/04/2022 22:10

It's definitely worth speaking to your GP; you can be added to the NHS list and turn it down when the time comes if you've sorted something else by then. Your GP may also know of other ways to get help, and may be able to suggest medication if that's a route that you and DS want to explore.

With non-uniform day, can he just wear his uniform (or maybe modify it a bit by taking his tie off and just having trousers, shirt and jumper)? My DS used to do that, and if anyone queried it he just sort of shrugged and said "We can wear whatever we want, I want to wear my uniform". Obviously it depends whether the other kids are likely to make fun of him, and whether that would bother him (in DS' case no one ever seemed to say anything).

MillyMollyMurphy · 08/04/2022 09:26

I’ll speak to the GP. He’s got the day off (he’s was crying so badly and shouting last night). I feel he will be better with some rest.

bluebaul · 08/04/2022 09:31

Were you trying to make him wear non uniform? Or was it the fact that others were not in uniform that was bothering him? One of mine always missed non uniform day because she couldn't cope with the change in routine in school generally. The other wore his uniform and gave no fucks.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 08/04/2022 09:34

Because he is ‘high functioning’ doesn’t mean that his struggles are less. Why wait until after his GCSEs to seek help? How much support does he have in school?

bluebaul · 08/04/2022 09:36

Tbh I do t think I would be racing to the GP to look for medication here. It's a normal reaction sometimes for autistic people to be upset by their routine and 'safe' spaces being out of sorts. As long as he knows how to manage things, and if that means a day off school then so be it, I would be happy with that. Learning how to manage and cope when things are a bit unexpected is worth much more than some medication. I don't manage well with things being different or unexpected in my day and if I am out and things go wrong I can have non verbal episodes because I can't process things quickly enough to get my words out, I get so stressed by it all I just can't say anything as it's all jumbled in my head. Over time I have learned to take a step back and remove myself from the immediate situation, then give myself time to think and work out what to do to make things better for me. I have a card I carry which states I am autistic so if I need to communicate that I can't do so at that point I show the card. I think it's vital to be able to learn how to deal with things that don't go quite right.

bluebaul · 08/04/2022 09:36

I don't think

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/04/2022 09:38

You may well find CAMHS won't see him for anxiety if he has an autism diagnosis. There is huge demand on private provision too so you might need to start investigating that sooner rather than later.

MinesATriple · 08/04/2022 09:39

EP advised we talk to GP and CAMHS.

Are you right near the end of term? Here that's always awful. DS has some insight that something is likely to overload him, which will feel awful, but once the holidays start he will start to feel better. GCSEs are a huge extra challenge on top of usual pressure though.

Our poor kids.

MinesATriple · 08/04/2022 09:42

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

You may well find CAMHS won't see him for anxiety if he has an autism diagnosis. There is huge demand on private provision too so you might need to start investigating that sooner rather than later.

Yes I heard this, I think it's why it hadn't occurred to us to try for DS.

However I'm going to give it a go. At least then I'll have tried.

Gilead · 08/04/2022 09:44

Often a major meltdown like this can have a cumulative cause. GCSES change the pattern of learning. Time off for study leave may be worrying him, pressure to perform at a given level, all of these things add up. He needs help now, not after his GCSEs. Talk to the GP and get him on the z arms list. In the meantime, some larger towns offer free counselling services for teens, have a look at local charity directories to see if there’s anytavailanle near you.

Gilead · 08/04/2022 09:45

z arms should be CAHMS bloody autocorrect!

mollyblack · 08/04/2022 10:18

Its probably all too much, not just the uniform. My kids are autistic and the school knows end of term is really hard for them, so allowances and days off etc are recommended.

I would either not make him go, as you have done, or allowed him to wear whatever and not make a big deal about it.

I am autistic and in general autistic people find so many elements of life incredibly stressful and are always going to have anxiety, its about learning how to navigate this stuff ourselves and knowing how to advocate for ourselves and asking for support that is important. Maybe medication for anxiety might help but won't solve all the problems.

I'd say accepting he can't do certain things and allowing him autonomy over things (especially things that don't really matter) would be the best route. Taking the pressure off is the kindest and most supportive thing you can do.

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