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Original poster

How to make friends as a shy, anxious, socially awkward 45 year old?

26 replies

SomethingWitty44 · 06/04/2022 20:06

Hi all,
Well as the title suggests, how do I meet new people who will hopefully become great friends? Friends who'll want to put the world to rights over a bottle of wine, who'll fancy a spa day or a weekend away or just answering the phone when I call?
At the mo it's the husband- bless him - grown up but living at home DS & DD.
I've set up a volunteering position to gain confidence but what would you guys suggest?

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2022 20:10

Find a hobby, something you enjoy. You'll already have at least one thing in common with the people you meet and something to talk about too.

pastabest · 06/04/2022 20:12

Lets start from why you think that hasn't happened for you yet?

In my case - I keep feeling wistful that I don't have those kind of friends, but then I realise its because I just don't have the emotional energy to put into those kind of friendships and actually I'm quite happy in my own company.

BuddhaAtSea · 06/04/2022 20:14

Take up running. Join a C25K group. The joy of running is that you can dip in and out of conversation, change who you run with etc.
Join a book club. Mine meets in a pub.

ZeppelinTits · 06/04/2022 20:19

I'd agree with the above. Finding things you love boosts your confidence, and people who are happy in themselves and enthusiastic and engaged with things they enjoy are attractive and fun to potential friends. Things I look for in a friend: someone who is kind, who remembers to ask about stuff I have mentioned, with a sense of humour and an interest in the world. It doesn't matter sometimes if we have loads in common, more that they have things that make them bright and animated and interested because that makes me want to hang out with them.

I have had some luck with meetup.com, and have met some nice people through my allotment though none are friends yet. Knit and natter, cinema or book club, small friendly festivals where you camp in small-ish groups of people are also great for meeting people. Once you have friends, you sometimes meet others through them, though it's useful to have some kind of regular contact where you run in to each other fairly predictably. I hope you manage to find some people

RedskyThisNight · 06/04/2022 20:29

I'm a similar age and it's the "find a hobby" bit that is hard.
I'd happily join a sports club but they are all serious and/or full of 20-30 year olds. Nothing against 20-30 year olds but we are different life stages and likely to have less common ground.
Non-sports clubs seem to be full of 60+ year olds. Again nothing against people in that age bracket, but they are a different generation so again not so much in common.
Or there are clubs that meet during the day and I work full time.

I am genuinely at a loss to know where people in their 40s and 50s hang out in the evenings. Or are they all so exhausted by family life they don't go out?

RaininSummer · 06/04/2022 20:30

Join the women's institute.

Mums1234 · 06/04/2022 20:40

I agree redskyatnight. Finding hobbies and volunteering after work on the evenings is tricky.

Mums1234 · 06/04/2022 20:41

Somethingwitty44, most people appreciate being listened to so being shy isn't an issue.

Beamur · 06/04/2022 20:44

WI is a good call
Scouts/Guides/Brownies all welcome volunteers, lots of women your age do that - it's very friendly.
Book group
Exercise group that's not something high impact, look out for general exercise, Pilates, yoga combined with something.
Do you knit or crochet? There are lots of crafting groups local to me that are very sociable and mostly quite young/middle aged women going

Embracelife · 06/04/2022 20:46

Join a community choir non audition variety

coronafiona · 06/04/2022 20:55

I've joined soroptimist international it's an interesting womens charity/ movement. They do speaker meetings so you don't need to talk much til you get to know people.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 06/04/2022 21:42

I set up a book club when I moved to a new town. Its a really cool thing to do as you get people who are dipping their toes into a new stage in life, people whose social lives have become diminished through no fault of their own, and a few colourful characters! You do have to be good at faciltating and have a sense of humour, but it was good fun.

I'd also recomment reconnecting with anyone from your past if you can.

In terms of other hobbies...going on a holiday together can be good. A local Pilates place near me ran a retreat that I went on.

Just being really open. Anyone you meet in your hobbies, be yourself, see if there feels a connection and take their number, invite them to something.

Chiefofstaff · 06/04/2022 21:50

I second investigating any Womens Institute groups in your area. Ours has a big mix of ages - 17 to mid 80s . There’s all sorts of different types there - outgoing, quiet , in-between. There’s a space for everyone. In our group you’d be welcomed and could just sit and listen to what was going on and gradually get to know the other women there with no pressure. As there’s often a speaker and/or an activity, there’s always a ready source of conversation which tend to spring up from whatever’s going on. There are often sub-groups like books, walking, supper club etc. you can try out a group without any commitment to see if it feels right. It’s worth checking out a few (depending on how many there are in the area) to see if you click with any. I’d been prepared to try 3 but the first one I went to just felt instantly right for me.

jollygreenpea · 06/04/2022 22:14

RedskyThisNight

Try your local council run leisure centres rather than trendy gyms.
I joined mine and have met loads of people/friends of all different ages and backgrounds.
I'm mid 50's

Yoloohno · 06/04/2022 22:54

If you’re near me I’m happy to meet for a coffee as I envy those people that have easy friendships.

I work with a good team and I’m a previtjob to have a few friends.

Ido gym classes with the same people so I’m
Acquaintances with them.

But mid forties with grown up kids, mine are nearly all there means a new way of life.

GlamorousHeifer · 07/04/2022 08:08

Don't write people off because of their age. It doesn't really matter what life stage you're at for a friendship (you're not marrying them)
I am 38, my friends range in age from 27 to 55!

Chiefofstaff · 07/04/2022 09:43

GlamorousHeifer. I totally agree. It’s more import that you just click with someone. I only have 2 friends who are around my age. The rest of 10+ years older and it’s not an issue.

BookWorm45 · 07/04/2022 09:52

@RedskyThisNight

I'm a similar age and it's the "find a hobby" bit that is hard. I'd happily join a sports club but they are all serious and/or full of 20-30 year olds. Nothing against 20-30 year olds but we are different life stages and likely to have less common ground. Non-sports clubs seem to be full of 60+ year olds. Again nothing against people in that age bracket, but they are a different generation so again not so much in common. Or there are clubs that meet during the day and I work full time.

I am genuinely at a loss to know where people in their 40s and 50s hang out in the evenings. Or are they all so exhausted by family life they don't go out?

Good question OP ! This does seem tricky,

Also agree with Redsky as above, for people in the 40s / 50s age group, who are working, there's not much available time or energy during the week. It seems really difficult to find groups that happen which are available in the evenings (or perhaps the occasional Sat or Sun).

RedskyThisNight · 07/04/2022 10:35

@GlamorousHeifer

Don't write people off because of their age. It doesn't really matter what life stage you're at for a friendship (you're not marrying them) I am 38, my friends range in age from 27 to 55!

I think it depends what you're after in a friendship. I also have friends of all ages, but by and large the ones I have most in common with are probably 10 years either side of my own age. Simply because they understand the things I'm currently going through in my life in a way that someone of a younger age doesn't because they haven't experienced it, or someone of an older age doesn't because things have changed since they went through the same experience.

So whilst I can happily spend time with people of all ages, I find the closest friendships are with ones who are more "similar" to me.

Incidentally, if I was 38, I would be looking for people 27-50, so your example kind of illustrates my point.

It's more if you're 50, then someone who is 25 is young enough to be your child, and someone who is 75 is old enough to be your parent i.e. different generation. IME it's very hard to become very close friends with someone who this applies to, although you can of course become less close friends!

pupcakes · 07/04/2022 13:36

I hear you! I've made some friends from MN who set up a Facebook group then a book club, although obviously they are online pals rather than in the flesh.

I want to meet new people too! I volunteer, where the women are friendly but from different worlds from me. I want to join a choir and WI but I feel a bit sick at the thought of walking in alone, and sitting there awkwardly.

Chiefofstaff · 08/04/2022 10:19

I think the sort of women who are drawn to the WI are pretty friendly and welcoming. At ours the the woman who leads the group tells everyone their name and someone always invites them to sit with them and because there is then an arranged talk or activity then there’s something that is a conversation starter. It’s very relaxed and no one has to go to great efforts to fit in. You can gradually get to know people and find the ones who you click with.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 08/04/2022 10:24

I find the trouble with WI etc is that, in my area, all of the meetings run when I'm at work. I'm not quite 40 so it's not unusual that I work full time. I live in a sparsely populated county so sites like meetup etc didn't really work out for me. I'd also like someone to hang out with now and then that isn't my DH or one of my siblings! Or that doesn't live over 40 miles away.

Silverclocks · 08/04/2022 10:30

Yes, it's about interests. Go to things you're genuinely interested in for their own sake and the friends will follow. Slowly, if you find it hard to socialise, like me, but they will come and in the meantime you'll enjoy yourself with the "thing"

For me it was running. I started because I wanted to run and the running itself is still really important to me but I've made some lovely friends through parkrun, running club and local races.

In fact I'm going away with clubmates over Easter weekend and have a more active life in my 50s than I did in my 20s.

CPL593H · 08/04/2022 10:45

Have you thought about going back to education in some form OP? Not sure if you're working or not, but if there is an evening class in eg a language you're interested in, it is likely to have a range of ages. The important thing is for it to be something you enjoy, as you're more likely to find people you gel with over a shared interest.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but while I think it's of course possible to make friends with someone of a different age group, I've realised mine are all within a few years either way of my own age (met at various life stages) I suppose it's about generational terms of reference/living the same history and understandable to be drawn to that.

Bionicname · 08/04/2022 10:47

I’ve found a choir a good way to meet people. Regular rehearsals mean there is an element of commitment and longevity which makes it easier to get to know people gradually. You also have something to do which might make it easier at first if you feel a bit shy. Singers tend to be friendly people in my experience, and before you know it you’re all in harmony!

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