Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Suddenly he wants more custody.

33 replies

TypicallyTopically · 06/04/2022 09:34

Split with my ex 3 years ago. Our child was 18 months old. He works shifts so contact was sporadic. He does/did maybe 1 out of 5 weekends and a night or 2 a week. Our child is due to start school and all of a sudden he wants every other weekend ie Saturday am to Monday pm and he's changing his working hours. He's being enthusiastic at present saying he wants more weekends off etc. Why after leaving the majority to me for 3 years ?

OP posts:
Yankydoodledandy · 06/04/2022 09:39

Similar happened to my friend - turns out her ex had a new girlfriend and all of a sudden wanted to look like the perfect Dad. When my friend questioned it, told him why he hadnt stepped up before etc. guess who looked like the difficult one. He even said he would go down the court route is my friend didnt comply - something he never did before and also again who looked like the douting Dad who was so being treat so unfairly etc, and who looked like the evil witch????

AHungryCaterpillar · 06/04/2022 09:39

Why is that a bad thing? Wouldn’t it be nice if he saw his child more? Confused

Tulip1985 · 06/04/2022 09:41

Is it because your dc is easier now he is school age?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
Original poster
TypicallyTopically · 06/04/2022 09:45

It's not a bad thing I just feel it's odd after begging him to have more for 3 years.

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 06/04/2022 09:45

Having contact days set in stone will make your life easier too. You’ll be able to plan fun things in advance for yourself and for you and your child.
Is he unreasonable for suddenly wanting more contact after being crap for 3 years? Probably.
Is it worth kicking up a fuss about when this is quite likely to benefit you too? Definitely not.

WhenDovesFly · 06/04/2022 09:55

Sounds like he's waited for you to do all the difficult stages, including toilet training etc and now that your DC is more self sufficient he can step in and be the doting parent. When he says Monday PM, is he planning to pick your DC up from school, feed them, do homework etc? Otherwise it's not much of a day if he's only dropping them to school.

Original poster
TypicallyTopically · 06/04/2022 10:18

Yes he's planning on having them Monday overnight then dropping at school Tuesday

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/04/2022 16:00

He's trying to impress someone that's all. Make the most of it while it lasts if that's what suits you. It will peter out pretty soon I reckon.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2022 16:01

Is he going to want your child for more than two days a week? Is so that will affect any child maintenance.

Xpologog · 06/04/2022 16:02

@Yankydoodledandy

Similar happened to my friend - turns out her ex had a new girlfriend and all of a sudden wanted to look like the perfect Dad. When my friend questioned it, told him why he hadnt stepped up before etc. guess who looked like the difficult one. He even said he would go down the court route is my friend didnt comply - something he never did before and also again who looked like the douting Dad who was so being treat so unfairly etc, and who looked like the evil witch????
This was my first thought. New gf. Doesn’t want to look bad.
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/04/2022 16:05

As long as he is consistent and a good parent (ignoring the fact he left all the hard graft to you for the last x years) enjoy the break. Being a single parent is tough and if you have dedicated time when you know your DC is being looked after by someone that loves and cares for them you can start doing something for yourself, whether that's starting a regular exercise class, joining the WI, going running or sitting down watching some grown up TV. That time gives you the chance to recharge your batteries.

As others say he is probably trying to impress a new gf but either way you son will probably enjoy the extra time with his dad.

IggyAce · 06/04/2022 16:07

Make sure he covers half the school holidays too. A better pattern would be collect from school Friday on his weekends and he drops off Monday with you collecting from school Monday. That way he has to provide all clothes for the weekend and no chance of uniform going missing as they will go to school in it on the Monday.

DebtheSander · 06/04/2022 16:13

So you’ve done all the grunt work and now he wants to up his game. Just at the point when boys get into football/other sports. When they can go to the park for a kick about. So that he can show off to the new gf what am amazing dad/bloke he is. Hmmmm.

I would start by saying that yes, DS does need a firmer contact routine what with starting school etc. That it would be good to agree in advance what happens when he is invited to parties etc on the weekends. Who pays for the present etc. start talking about splitting the costs of uniforms, school shoes etc. Start talking about the practicalities of the situation and then see what the reaction is.

thenewduchessoflapland · 06/04/2022 16:16

I smell the whiff of a new girlfriend

Justtobeclear · 06/04/2022 16:45

This happened to me. He worked shifts which couldn’t possibly be changed then they started school and he applied for flexible working and was able to have every other weekend. Tbh - it is sooo much better! I don’t have to see him unless it’s holidays because handover is via the school. I can now freely plan my time (and plan ahead!) because I know when they are away and with me without having to pester him for dates/times! It’s also taken a lot of the conflict away and we communicate relatively well now. I completely understand how annoying it is but once you get into the routine you’ll see the benefits for you and the kids and you will feel much better.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/04/2022 16:46

Must be a g/f some where, seems to happen when there is.

AHungryCaterpillar · 06/04/2022 16:51

Some bitter posters on here, if he had a new girlfriend so wanted to see the child less there would be an uproar! Be happy he wants to see the child more not less because he’s shacked up with a new woman (which no one actually knows for certain) it’s best for your child and surely a break for you more regularly is a good thing too!

5zeds · 06/04/2022 16:52

I agree it’s probably that he’s out of nappies and more “fun”. Discuss holidays/half term/activities/birthday parties/uniform and the Friday to Monday idea sounds much easier for you every other week.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/04/2022 16:55

No not bitter.

beautifullymad · 06/04/2022 16:56

@IggyAce

Make sure he covers half the school holidays too. A better pattern would be collect from school Friday on his weekends and he drops off Monday with you collecting from school Monday. That way he has to provide all clothes for the weekend and no chance of uniform going missing as they will go to school in it on the Monday.
Good thinking. Much less room for things to go wrong.
FelicityPike · 06/04/2022 17:07

@IggyAce

Make sure he covers half the school holidays too. A better pattern would be collect from school Friday on his weekends and he drops off Monday with you collecting from school Monday. That way he has to provide all clothes for the weekend and no chance of uniform going missing as they will go to school in it on the Monday.
100% this.
CircusBaby · 06/04/2022 17:14

@AHungryCaterpillar

Some bitter posters on here, if he had a new girlfriend so wanted to see the child less there would be an uproar! Be happy he wants to see the child more not less because he’s shacked up with a new woman (which no one actually knows for certain) it’s best for your child and surely a break for you more regularly is a good thing too!
It's not bitter, just realistic and people have no doubt 'been there, done that.' with an ex - I know I have. He's enthusiastic now but ultimately it's the DC who gets hurt when the novelty of more contact wears off or indeed the reality of more contact sinks in.

Obviously it's not a bad thing that he wants to see your DC more, but I also agree that he's waited until all the leg work has been done so he can reap the benefits of a more 'fun' child - the potty training and nappies and toddler days are out of the way etc.

Go along with it for now, be prepared for it to peter out, and hope that it doesn't!

QuirkyTurtle · 06/04/2022 17:34

Has he had a change in his shift pattern, or a change in job at all? I can think of so many reasons why he would want the additional contact, no need to assume the worst!

AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 17:36

I wouldn't worry too much about why if I were you, surely it's better this way?

Theunamedcat · 06/04/2022 17:41

He thinks the hard work is over and done with bless him 🤣

Bite his hand off but get everything set in stone clothing child maintenance holidays party's etc make sure you get your fair share of the weekends and holidays ive seen too many parents be the work parent and then have to turn them over to the other parent for all the fun weekend bits