House work | Mumsnet

m1r14m · 2022-04-04T20:01:31+00:00

How does everyone split the housework between them and their partner? I am currently doing it all, I'm wanting a little help from my partner, he works 4 days a week with condensed hours so longer but less days

Kite22 · 04/04/2022 22:54

You should both have equal downtime, IMO, so if one WOTH longer hours than the other then that one should be able to contribute a bit less that 50% of the work at home.

It works best IME that people do the jobs they either enjoy, or don't mind doing, rather than splitting every job 50:50, but I guess every couple has to work out their own way that works best for them.

Marathoninjury · 05/04/2022 02:55

This may not be helpful to you, I do 95% because I’m a housewife. I don’t know your situation though.

I think working from down time is a good way to go about it, as is choosing jobs based on what each person is best at or likes rather than eg I’ll do laundry today, you do it tomorrow. It doesn’t need to be exactly 50/50 but both people need to be happy or it leads to resentment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2022 03:03

You don't want 'a little help' you want an equal partner.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 05/04/2022 06:34

Do you work?

Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:07

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

Do you work?

Currently on maternity leave but due to go back next month and I'll be working 4 shifts a week so I'm not wanting to be doing 4 shifts a week plus all the house work as well as doing everything for the baby too, it's too much for me just now never mind when I go back to work

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Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:09

@MrsTerryPratchett

You don't want 'a little help' you want an equal partner.

I've asked him to help me tidy but he does stupid shit like wipes his dirty knifes when cooking off with a clean tea towel which I then just have to put in the wash, I've showed him what to do if he's wanting to save dishes etc and asked him not to do this cause it just makes more laundry for me but he's yet to just rinse it in the sink instead of using a tea towel

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Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:10

@Marathoninjury

This may not be helpful to you, I do 95% because I’m a housewife. I don’t know your situation though.

I think working from down time is a good way to go about it, as is choosing jobs based on what each person is best at or likes rather than eg I’ll do laundry today, you do it tomorrow. It doesn’t need to be exactly 50/50 but both people need to be happy or it leads to resentment.

I'm currently at the resentment stage I think, he always moans he can't find any clothes he wants and when I say oh it's in the washing machine I get the 'I put that in the washing basket two days ago', he also said I need to start ironing all the clothes and I said it's too much ontop of what I do and he said well I'll do it I guess if that's too much

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mollyblack · 05/04/2022 15:10

This is weaponised incompetence and he’s a man child.

Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:14

@mollyblack

This is weaponised incompetence and he’s a man child.

It's frustrating, I do all the dishes, about 3 times a day, he doesn't even put his rubbish in the bin when cooking, leaves in on the counter, he's yet to even pick up the hoover, he shaves in the bathroom and leaves all the hair in the sink, he rarely takes his laundry to the laundry basket, he's never washed a bottle or sterilised them, I've showed him how to use the washing machine multiple times and he still acts like he doesn't know how to use it, I've asked if he could even just separate the laundry and dump it in front of the washing machine for me to put a wash on and he's not

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ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 05/04/2022 15:20

Stop doing his washing for a start if that's his attitude. He either steps up and contributes, not helps you - does his part of running a household and parenting, or he pisses off would be stance on this. If you day that to him though, you have to mean it. But you need to go nuclear and tell him to grow the fuck up and you need to do it now. You are not his maid. You are not his mother. He is an adult and needs to start contributing as one.

Monkeybutt1 · 05/04/2022 15:21

Myself and my husband both have full time jobs however he works about 60 hours a week as has a much more stressful job. I do 98% of the housework but it works for us and he does it every now and then if he gets chance.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/04/2022 15:21

How was the housework split before you went on Maternity?

Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:26

@ProfessionalTeaDrinker

Stop doing his washing for a start if that's his attitude. He either steps up and contributes, not helps you - does his part of running a household and parenting, or he pisses off would be stance on this. If you day that to him though, you have to mean it. But you need to go nuclear and tell him to grow the fuck up and you need to do it now. You are not his maid. You are not his mother. He is an adult and needs to start contributing as one.

I've said to him I'm not his maid or his mother before and he laughed and jokingly said well if I do a bad job once I won't have to do it again, I was like that's not the attitude to have and that it's unfair if thats what he's trying to do, he knows I struggle to keep ontop of everything as I'm up every night with the baby too as she's had ongoing issues with colic so isn't great at sleeping at night and I'm exhausted trying to keep everything in order🥲

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Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 15:27

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

How was the housework split before you went on Maternity?

I still seemed to do everything as I was in during day whilst he was at work and when he got home I went to work and by the time I got back from work I'd have to spend all the next day cleaning his mess from the night before 🙄

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pointythings · 05/04/2022 15:36

Do what's needed for you and the baby. Do nothing for him. Then if he doesn't change, dump him. He's useless.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 05/04/2022 15:38

He sounds like an absolute dick. Is not your job to look after him!! Wash YOUR clothes, leave his. Stop cooking / shopping for him.

gamerchick · 05/04/2022 15:41

I've said to him I'm not his maid or his mother before and he laughed and jokingly said well if I do a bad job once I won't have to do it again,

This is the attitude of a lot of men. I even caught husband doing it once just the once like. Apparently he just needed more practise. Which he then got.

Tell your bloke since he behaves like a slob and seems incapable of adulting he can pick up some things. He can do his own laundry for starters and if he runs out of clothes then it's on him.

Personally I'd go on strike. Chuck everything that's left lying around into a bin bag for him to sort out and catch up on sleep when you can rather than worrying about keeping on top of everything. It's too much when you don't get enough sleep.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/04/2022 15:45

Living with someone who treat me and his own child like this would make me go off them immediately.

Original poster

m1r14m · 05/04/2022 16:47

@gamerchick

I've said to him I'm not his maid or his mother before and he laughed and jokingly said well if I do a bad job once I won't have to do it again,

This is the attitude of a lot of men. I even caught husband doing it once just the once like. Apparently he just needed more practise. Which he then got.

Tell your bloke since he behaves like a slob and seems incapable of adulting he can pick up some things. He can do his own laundry for starters and if he runs out of clothes then it's on him.

Personally I'd go on strike. Chuck everything that's left lying around into a bin bag for him to sort out and catch up on sleep when you can rather than worrying about keeping on top of everything. It's too much when you don't get enough sleep.

It's not a nice attitude to have whether it was a joke or not🥲 yeah I honestly feel like I need to do that for him to take the hint that I really do need and would appreciate some help! I'll try nap when baby naps but I also get super stressed and overwhelmed when there's stuff I need to do so I'm also kinda my own worst enemy at times🤣 thank you c

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ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 05/04/2022 16:47

Wow. He's an arse. I don't think asking how everyone else divides things is going to help you here. Because he's just got a lazy attitude and doesn't seem to care. My husband is far from perfect, and has been guilty at times for forgetting about the stuff I do that he doesn't see and thinking he's fat tidier than he is. But he does take on board what I say and we try and work as a team. As it happens, I'm the messier one in the house but tend to take care of the washing as I'm better at it at all the school stuff as I work around school. I'm trying to be tidier, he's gotten better at noticing I'm extra busy/tired etc and will jump in with some washing for example. Cooking was mostly me, but since my work hours have increased it tends to be whichever of us is available/feels like it. I tend to do the sheets/dusting/spot cleaning and the random jobs he never thinks about, he will join in if needed but prefers to attack the house in one go - which he's brilliant at and I'm awful at as get distracted everytime! It's flexible because we're a team.

You need to start putting yourself and baby at top of the list because he certainly isn't. It sounds like he's had it easy for far too long. If he does it wrong, laugh and say 'oh well you obviously need more practice, you can do it next time as well', if he comments he's got no clothes ask him if he washed any. Make sure baby and you are fed but don't mention his dinner. Leave him to it. It's a ridiculous way to live, and not what sharing a life with someone should be, but I think you need to make a point now and he needs to step up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2022 17:08

I've said to him I'm not his maid or his mother before and he laughed and jokingly said well if I do a bad job once I won't have to do it again

My response to this would be an entirely serious, 'I know you're joking but it makes me love you less. If you're happy with that, carry on'. Because contempt and resentment kill marriages dead. It might take a while for the corpse to stop stumbling around but this is where it starts.

Kite22 · 05/04/2022 22:08

@MrsTerryPratchett

I've said to him I'm not his maid or his mother before and he laughed and jokingly said well if I do a bad job once I won't have to do it again

My response to this would be an entirely serious, 'I know you're joking but it makes me love you less. If you're happy with that, carry on'. Because contempt and resentment kill marriages dead. It might take a while for the corpse to stop stumbling around but this is where it starts.

This

Kite22 · 05/04/2022 22:09

@ProfessionalTeaDrinker

Stop doing his washing for a start if that's his attitude. He either steps up and contributes, not helps you - does his part of running a household and parenting, or he pisses off would be stance on this. If you day that to him though, you have to mean it. But you need to go nuclear and tell him to grow the fuck up and you need to do it now. You are not his maid. You are not his mother. He is an adult and needs to start contributing as one.

and this ^

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 06/04/2022 12:08

I think you need to ask him how he feels how marriages work with regards to housework, childcare, and other responsibilities. I think you may find he believes in a 'traditional' marriage where these are all your responsibilities. If you can get him to admit that, at least you know where you stand and stop wasting your energies trying to change him. And make your decision on whether that is a marriage you can be happy in.

If he denies it, why does he act as if that is his belief? What will change, permanently?
Otherwise it looks pretty inevitable that you will be divorcing at some point, to be honest. And then your life will be better as you'll have less housework (him not deliberately causing a mess) and less childcare as he will be expected to have your child several days a week.