Trying to get a word in edgeways

[Bluechinavase]

My friend and I don't see as much of each other as we used to - couple of times a year maybe. Always enjoyed her company but after the last few meet ups I leave feeling drained as I have hardly gotten a word in. She barely draws breath and will talk over others to continue her point. It makes me feel like I'm being talked at rather than with and I'm beginning to dread our meet ups because I hardly get a chance to talk properly. If I do say something she just bats right back with a tenuous link to a similar story with pause and effect for drama.

Every conversation begins with her saying "Did I tell you such and such? Did I tell you? Oh wait 'til I tell you" It's the big build up to her hogging the conversation. Everything is repeated twice for effect, e.g. "I went out to the car but it wouldn't start! It wouldn't start" or
"My colleague didn't do the photocopying! She just didn't do it"
When I and others try to chat and contribute she'll gasp and wave hands like she has another 'trump the conversation' card up her sleeve. If I start a conversation, I get a few moments then she just dives in with her experiences rather than asking me questions or looking interested. She's one of those listens to respond rather than listens to hear types. I don't want to fall out with her but I really need to kindly get over to her that she's hogging the whole conversations and no-one else can speak. Any tips welcome!

By the sounds of it, she's a long term friend from way back and that's the only reason you remain friends. Let's face it, if she was someone you'd recently met and was behaving like this, you'd steer well clear. Does she do this with other people or just you as an old friend?

How would she take to being told straight? Or have you tried to drop hints? If you only see each other infrequently I'm guessing that that's the reason you put up with it.

It is very draining when conversations are so one-sided. But perhaps you have to ask yourself, what is there to lose by just being straight with her. At best, she'll take on board what you say and change her behaviour. At worst, she'll throw a hissy fit and storm out of your life, which if the case, is it really so bad to not have that drama in your life any more? Sometimes we yearn for the way an old friendship was but they change and evolve. We still think the vestiges of the old relationship is there and when we finally realise that the friendship has irrevocably changed, we mourn it's passing. If she values this friendship as much as you clearly do then she'll take on board any suggestions made to her. If she doesn't, then she really isn't much of a friend.

She sounds insufferable. Why would you want to see her again!?

@AtrociousCircumstance You're right. I am asking myself that question more and more. It's exactly as Voluptuagoodshag said, she is an old friend from school whom I've known over 40 years, my best friend. I've know her so long and yearn for the good old times, when we'd put the world to rights. I endure it because we see so little of each other and it's like I've forgotten what she's like nowadays and still remember what she used to be like. I also feel like if I ditched her she'd have nobody and I'd feel guilty.
Maybe I should just be direct and point out how much she interrupts, Voluptua is right, I've nothing to lose.

I guess your only option is to tell her. That she’s changed her conversational style and never listens or displays any interest or empathy and it’s made you hesitant to spend any time with her.

It makes you feel ignored, unimportant to her, frustrated and forced into being her audience. That’s not a friendship.

Good luck!

I was actually wondering to start a thread like this myself as I’ve noticed my mum, MIL and FIL all get like this as they’ve got older

It’s like they have no interest in a two way conversation but instead keen to talk at you as much as possible about whatever topic they’re keen on, including lots of tales involving random relations of people I don’t know. It’s exhausting.

Does this just happen as people get older?

Does she have adhd because it sounds like a possibility

@Pyri I have noticed it in others too as I’ve gotten older, or maybe I’m just more intolerant. And totally get the minutiae stories of random people I don’t know. But my pal is something else. Maybe it is ADHD though I have another couple of pals who have been diagnosed but I still have great conversations with them

Maybe because you don't see eachother much she's excited to see you and that puts her into over drive. It might be worth saying I really want to tell you about X y and z before you start talking to give her a little warning before you talk so that she has time to get ready to listen.

Oh she is excited to see me but in the four days together I’d say she dominated convo between 70-80%. Last time it was just the two of us, the time before it was three of us but she still dominated and other friend did drop hints about trying to speak but it fell on deaf ears

Ah that's a long time to go at that speed!

My in laws are like this-they appear to have no interest in anything that me, DH or the kids do or say and just want us all to sit there in silence staring at them as a captive audience whilst they talk at us about possibly mildly amusing anecdotes from 25 years ago (which they have told us 800 times before) or bland bits of medical information about people we have never met. If one of us interjects with anything, they just wait till we’ve finished and then turn the conversation back to them.

Considering they talk to us at length about the people they know, I wonder if they talk to them about us? And if so, what on earth do they say, as they know absolutely nothing about us any more!

I could have written exactly the same, my oldest friend, at least 40 years is just like this and I find it totally draining. She is a fair bit older than me and I've put it down to ageing and not seeing many people for girlie chat as they live in the country. She even gets irritated if her husband pops his head around the door to say hi as she doesn't want her flow to be interrupted. I used to drive over to see her every 4-6 weeks but have to admit I'm leaving longer gaps which is probably making the problem worse but 🤷 it's a real effort and I don't get much out of it. I wouldn't dream of hurting her feelings though by telling her but she doesn't seem to mind hurting mine, she actually told me once that I was a poor listener when I glanced away from her distracted by a buzzing insect closeby......I'd already listened for a couple of hours but repeated back to her what she had just said to show I was listening like a child at school 😳 I mean I can multitask 😂 but by the time I get home (a two hour round trip) I actually feel ill! Not sure what the answer is other than reducing the time you are with her op👂🙉

I’ve noted my brother and my brother in law have also started interrupting more too. I think I might just start getting rude.

@Mossstitch that sounds very draining, especially on top of the long drive. You’re not getting anything positive out of it. All relationships ebb and flow but when they become one sided, they become imbalanced.

I’ve often considered how I’d be if someone kindly pointed out to me if I was doing similar. I think I’d be aghast but I’d still prefer to be told so I can adjust my behaviour

@Bluechinavase I'd be mortified if someone pointed it out to me but I think I have a little more self awareness🤔 so it wouldn't be required. I'll continue to put up with it out of kindness as she obviously has a 'need'! I am curious to know whether she feels exhausted after though or just me😂
I've noticed at work that some people dominate the conversation, perhaps we just fall into categories of talkers and non talkers, I'm quite softly spoken and often get totally talked over if I start to say something in a group setting, but people often come to me for one to one advice, so presumably respect what I have to say🤷 as you can probably tell I'm a people watcher, fascinated by human behaviour😄 and probably why I spend far too long on mumsnet👋

I have a friend like this - in fact I have noticed in the last few years that people talk over me more than they used to.

I’m similar to you Mossstitch in that I’m quietly spoken but if I’ve something to say, I’ll say it. And I also think I’m self aware but I really wouldn’t mind someone pointing out my shortcomings if they were justified. And also like you, those who do seek out my opinion seem to value it. The pal I’m talking about does say I say wise and true things, when I can get a word in that is