Hello,
I'm after some inspiration and/or a kick up the bum. I'm early 40s and need to change. I'd like to know of anyone else has been in this situation and how you turned it around.
I've been quite unhappy and unfulfilled for a while and have let myself drift into a place where I no longer want to be and it feels as it I'm swimming against the tide trying to fight my way back. I'm done with making excuses to myself for letting myself get to this stage and have finally thought ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
I've always been dogged by low self-esteem and a lack of confidence even though I can come across as confident and bubbly on the outside. Inside I'm definitely not. Academically through school I was one of the high achievers but again confidence held me back. I had the potential but somehow didn't believe it so didn't really make as much effort as I could which hampered my progress. I regret that bitterly.
Always felt odd socially, never fitted in. Couldn't join in with group chat, always on the sidelines smiling and laughing at jokes but could never contribute. Sometimes it felt as if my voice couldn't be heard and people didn't listen whenever I did try and make a contribution. I suspect I may have Aspergers although am not formally diagnosed.
I get irritated by people easily and sometimes find their company tedious and exhausting. I always want to rush off from social events early and be alone. Although when I'm there I'm friendly and warm to others.
I have a postgraduate degree but am not using it and am instead working a low paid part-time job to get by on. I don't have the confidence to attempt to get a job in the field in which I studied. I feel like I'd just mess it up anyway so may as well stay put where I am where the expectations are low. That way I can't fail.
I've become overweight and am horrified looking in a full length mirror. I need to change. Each time I say to myself I'll join weight watchers I postpone it to the next week and never go. I go around in circles and over eat.
I have 2 fantastic DC and a DH. I'm a good mum, I know that. My DC are always well cared for and very much loved. This is the area of my life I feel I am most successful and I put all of my energies into the DC and DH.
I find friendships difficult, get intolerant quickly with people and have been known that 'ghost' people who have said or done something they shouldn't which I had perceived to be hurtful at that time. For example, at my DD christening a few years ago, a friend made a silly comment about the dress I was wearing and people sat nearby laughed. I was feeling very self-conscious after giving birth with my figure etc and I took offence. Didn't make it obvious at the time, made her welcome and thanked her for coming but didn't make contact with her again. Was furious she humiliated me (although looking back it probably wasn't meant that way). I do have a tendency to overreact.
My childhood wasn't bad per se, my parents were odd characters and a think some emotional abuse occurred but wasn't intentional on their part. I was snapped at and shouted at a lot, sneered at on occasions. I can't pinpoint particular details but I remember feeling as if I was weird from a young age.
I wouldn't say I'm depressed but do get anxious and find it hard to fully relax.
Feel like I'm a walking disaster!
Sorry this so long.
I need to get my act together. Feel free to be harsh, I don't mind. Has anyone else had that sudden light bulb moment and realised things need to change? Everything seems so overwhelming in one go. 