I’m sorry if this is long but I am really struggling to get over these thoughts.
I was singled out and bullied by an older sibling from a young age and throughout my childhood/teens and even now if I were to see him he would treat me like shit. As a child he would single me out from other family members and encourage my other siblings to pick on me or leave me out of games and activities. He would also name call and physically hurt or intimidate me. As well as just generally treating me as if he despised me personally.
It made me feel worthless and as though my life was worthless, compounded by the fact that it has been normalised/ignored by the rest of my (otherwise loving) family. I developed social anxiety and depression that has followed me through my life as well as self harm and suicidal thoughts. As an adult in my 30s now I have no friends no career/money no education and no prospects, my self worth was so low in my early 20s I clung on to an older man who right from the start of the relationship was emotionally abusive and am now his carer.
The thing is, I’m an adult and I can accept that my poor choices have created this shit life for me but I can’t get over the resentment I feel for the fact that I feel like I was set up to fail in life . I can’t let go, no matter how many times I tell myself to. I know my family love me but my mum is very sensitive and easily becomes tearful so if the subject ever comes up I also end up minimising and dismissing it. I pretend it’s not important but it kills me inside because the truth is, all of my other siblings are home owning well rounded people with friends, careers, better education, better finances, happy, outgoing, enjoying life..the list goes on. I am the odd one out ..I know it’s not a coincidence! I know they must know too.
I am going to go and visit them over Easter and he will possibly show up a few times and if he does, everyone will act as though it’s all completely normal and expect me to brush it off but it’s wearing me down. Does anyone have any advice to help me move on please? I don’t have anyone to talk to irl so at the very least it felt good to get it off my chest.