I am 37. Last year I went through a seriously dark time. On top of covid / lockdown and everything being so utterly depressing with people turning on each other over vaccines and essential shopping and clapping etc etc... I was struggling enormously with the most horrific personal heartbreak after having to out of the blue disown my most favourite person and I was dealing with a flare up of an apparently unsolvable gyno issue that causes me a severe amount of distress, confusion and upset. It was all just so bleak looking. Eventually everything became too much for me and my mind was so full of pain and stress that I started to go under. I was drinking a huge amount of alcohol because it was the only thing that seemed to relax me and I was smoking heavily (around 40 per week mainly over the weekend... I know that's nothing to some but I consider it a lot). The alcohol use was much worse. Probably 50/60 units most if not every weekend. All weekend. At my absolute worst (I had a week off work) I counted up 165 units over I think 9 days. Absolutely shocking and whilst I try not to beat myself up about it because what's done is done I'm still so ashamed that I let myself sink that low. I will never judge anyone again. You never know what someone is going through. My poor Mum was scared shitless. My skin broke out in acne, I started having gut issues and there is a large proportion of 2021 that is a complete black out. How I didn't break any bones or end up falling into a canal (I live right next to one) I don't know. It was a truly dire time. The ironic thing is everyone thought I was really happy - it was easy to not actually see people due to restrictions, most of the drinking was home alone. I had started a new relationship with someone who was smitten with me (no idea why, the state I was in) and I lost 3 stone in weight so all I heard was "oh you must be so happy look at all the outdoor stuff you've started doing he's the one for you etc etc". The truth was it was a rebound that shouldn't have started in the first place and I only lost weight (I did need to lose it anyway to be fair) because despite drinking so heavily my appetite had vanished like a fart in the wind. I was totally, totally broken by several things and it's a breakdown I will remember forever. But towards the end of the year I told myself I can't carry on living like this it has GOT to STOP. I made a new years resolution and I stuck to it.
Fast forward to now. I'm not tee total but I only usually drink a bottle of wine over a Friday or Saturday night, I've cut down to 4/5 cigarettes at the same time. I hate smoking and I know I should quit altogether but I find it SO enjoyable with a drink... I know the answer is well don't drink for a bit then. But I'm not that perfect unfortunately. My job is stressful all week and I look forward to it. It's no more than the weekly recommended units so I'm not particularly bothered. I also ended the relationship I was in though thankfully we've remained friends. If I'm honest all I've ever really wanted out of life is to fall in love and be happy with someone who loves me but it hasn't happened and after a string of trauma and failed relationships I've now decided to "retire" and accept life as a single person. I won't rule out giving someone a chance if they somehow happen to gamboll into my life but it's very unlikely as I don't feel attracted to many people at all, I'm not very sociable and I won't be bothering with OLD again, plus even if he did come along he'd have his work cut out trying to convince me to bother my arse again. I really don't want to go through any more of it if it doesn't work out.
A few months into 2022 and I think I'm doing reasonably okay. It's all Plan B of course but I genuinely do love my own company and whilst there is a big part of my life that hasn't worked out I don't see the point in moping over it. Even if I did meet the one I'd probably only give him 50% of my free time. The thing is I do compare myself to other people a lot and I can't help thinking "wow most people would really hate to have my life" mainly because I spend a lot of time alone and most people would probably feel very lonely if they were me. I'm content with it, to be honest I'd rather spend a weekend alone than with a bunch of friends being social, but I sometimes feel... embarrassed maybe? That people would probably think I'm a lonely old spinster with an empty life. I actually not long ago put a thread up asking people on here for advice on my dropping Fridays at work and one poster pretty much confirmed what's the point your life sounds shit you might as well go to work every day. For example an average weekend for me would be a bike ride on a Friday evening then a lovely cooked breakfast on a Saturday morning then a really long hike in the countryside probably 10+ miles as I love being outdoors. I'll have a few vinos in the evening with a film then on a Sunday I might take myself off shopping or have a day reading or doing some painting, one of the nice new things I'm doing. I've even started listening to classical music in the evenings because it helps me unwind and I find it relaxing. To be honest while that all probably sounds boring I'm just relieved to be doing nice normal calm peaceful things instead of wanting to burst into tears all the time and chucking as much alcohol down my throat as possible to stop feeling hurt about past events and worried about future ones. I'm trying to think of the positives instead of torturing myself with thoughts about dodgy vagina issues and the things I couldn't find in life (love). I own my own beautiful home and I'm financially secure, which in these times is crucial. I have loving parents, good friends even if I don't see them that much, good neighbours, I'm keeping the weight off through healthy eating and exercise so after years of having a fat arse I've got my nice figure back. I've had around 30 people tell me how amazing (their words!!) and different I'm looking. It really feels great to be wearing jeans again. I've got a cracking new wardrobe. My skin is clear. It also feels great to jump in the car at 10am on a Saturday morning feeling fresh as a daisy and take my Mum out for lunch instead of traipsing to the offy to get hammered again. I'm going to evening college in September to hopefully gain some professional qualifications and maybe even change careers. I've got a nice holiday I'm looking forward to in August. Although times like Christmas can leave me feeling really sad because I don't have that one special companion to be proud of and share times with etc, I usually feel content and can just crack on with things. I do sometimes look at other people going on big family holidays and surrounded by their kids and feel like there's so much I'm missing out on, but in reality I couldn't bear to go on holiday with 15 people and I don't even want children and never have, perhaps I just wish I had wanted those things and was more "peopley" and conventional so that I'd fit in and have more in common with others. I don't really know the whole point of jotting this down, I guess I just want someone to tell me I'm not a complete loser at life?! So many people I know spend their spare time going to christenings and weddings and barbecues etc etc or planning family holidays or they're getting engaged and married and pregnant and all these major life events. They probably have much more to talk about on a Monday morning when asked how their weekend was. I actually quit social media because things like this were making me feel like such a failure. Would you look at me and think I was a bit well... pathetic?