I really feel like I'm failing as a mum

[clkim]

.. and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Every meal time is a battle, because my toddler won't eat a proper meal and has a total meltdown if I don't let him just eat snacks.

Tonight I've had enough and not give in to him, he's crying so much that he's making himself sick and he's hitting me because I won't say yes and take him into the kitchen.

My partner is currently in bed asleep leaving me to deal with him and I honestly feel like screaming and crying because I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm failing him and like I'm not doing a good job of being a mum. I feel so upset. I've come to another room before I shout at him and lose my shit.

Please tell me I'm the only one who feels like this. I really need some advice.

No you are not failing! I've been there too, few things are as demoralising as food battles. There is no magic trick that will solve everything, unfortunately, you just have to do whatever you have to to get through it. I once dragged all of us out to Mothercare at 7pm because I was convinced new spoons were the answer

For now, let him have snacks. Take the pressure off you, and him. If he will have the odd bit of fruit or veg, great. If not, vitamin supplements. You'll get there. Mine's 10 now and a real foodie. You'd never guess he lived off fishfingers as a toddler.

Breathe. You're doing the right thing moving to another room to calm down. Toddlers are hard work and I know the feeling of mealtimes becoming a battleground. Try and be consistent with eating at set times rather than constant grazing. If the snacks are healthy then offer snack /buffet type variety of foods at meal time. Having some element of control, picking what they want can make a big difference to happier mealtimes. Why is partner in bed, unless a good excuse like shift work get him up to take over and give you a break. You're not failing your child or a bad mum.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan It's the guilt I feel knowing all he's had is snacks and nothing substantial. I don't want to send him to bed knowing he could be hungry. He's 3 and still non verbal. Everything is so hard because he can't communicate and I have no idea what he wants. It's really getting me down.

He used to be really well behaved at meal times now it's a battle every single day and I literally dread it.

Ah, there's always something to feel guilty about, but this isn't it. It's OK.

What things does he eat?

@JesusInTheCabbageVan He's really fussy. But at the moment the only thing he's actually interested in eating is crisps and I don't want him to eat those all the time obviously

Does he have any sensory issues going on?

I could have written the op myself. My toddler drives me round the bend at times and I feel like it's a test of wills every time we try and have a meal. It's turning a corner now but I don't think there is any parent out there who hasn't struggled. Try to remember you're doing your best and this is totally normally.

@LapinR0se We don't know. Possible autism has been mentioned but at the moment all they are saying is that we need to wait until he's a little older before we can go down the route of diagnosis. It seems like everything is difficult and I'm honestly at wits end dealing with this behaviour day in and day out with little to no support.

You may have found this already, but just in case this article has any helpful advice:

www.autismspeaks.org/expert-opinion/autism-and-eating-behaviors-child-only-eats-junk-food

@JesusInTheCabbageVan Thank you, will have a read of this later when I've calmed down.

Who is telling you to wait for a diagnosis? Early intervention is important and a diagnosis unlocks services like speech therapy (which will look at food issues), occupational therapy (will look at sensory issues).

Similar situation. I’ve read up on it and the advice is to not stress. I cook my ds a dinner but I always have bits on the plate I know he’ll like. Once he has a few Mouthfuls of the nice bit he’ll often try the other stuff. I have a pot of rice pudding on standby for evenings when I think he’s not eaten enough to get through the night.

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald His paediatrician. At our last meeting he was happy with the progress and reports from nursery and he had stopped displaying some of the behaviours we had previously mentioned so there was no real concern. The past few weeks though it's like everything has gotten worse. It feels like we are going backwards with it all. He is having speech therapy weekly, they believe much of his frustration is because he can't communicate and they would like to see how he progresses with that first. I just don't know what to do anymore though, I feel extremely out of depth and I have no idea about anything

@ChickiChicki I find it hard not to get stressed, I know I shouldn't but I still do. The thought of him being hungry and not being able to tell me really upsets me. At the moment I've given in and just let him pick something to eat so he isn't going to bed hungry

Breathe OP. You’re not a bad mum! You e done the right thing by walking away for a minute or so.

1. Why is your partner in bed?
2. Do NOT wait to start assessment for autism. Early intervention is so, so important. My 4yo son is already diagnosed, has an EHCP and has been having speech therapy for 2 years already. The sooner he starts the better.

Can your son communicate in any other way? Have you tried a communication board? Can he point or shake/nod his head? It is so, so difficult when they cannot talk. What’s his comprehension like?

WRT food, my son was very much the same and still is sometimes. He is under the dietician and she is always telling me that he’s better he gets some calories than nothing! Today he has eaten 3 bags of crisps an apple and a yoghurt. Is it ideal? No. But he’s eaten and he won’t be going to bed hungry.

One of mine lived on Marmite sandwiches for years. I think eating is something they can control and they quickly work out it presses your buttons. It is so hard but you aren't failing, you are keeping him alive and safe and loved.

Hi op one of my kids is and always was a picker. I’m a three meals a day (at least 😂) sort and it worried me when she was little then again a teenage girl not eating meals is a panic too. But she just prefers to pick than sit to a full plate.

Can you take the pressure off completely. Buy cocktail sausages, carrot sticks, oatcakes, cheese cubes, all those sort of things and just put a wee plate of something out every hour or so? See if he will have a bit as he wanders about?

You’re doing great. You wouldn’t be worrying if you weren’t a good mum.

@RussianSpy101 He does picture exchange communication at nursery. We have a home visit from the assistant practitioner this week so I will be asking her how we can introduce this at home because I think it will really help.
He points for things he wants or he will take my hand to the place where he wants to go. That's basically all it is at the moment, as he cannot talk, only make certain sounds

You're not failing you are doing your best.
Have you tried having a break and doing something like a picnic in a different room to where you would normally, put a few crisps down but lots of other things he may try.

Will he take a vitamin ? (Even the jelly baby ones ?)

Does he drink any kind of milk?

It maybe that you have to get some vitamins on any way you can and then just see all food as just calories so even if he eats what you don’t really want him to it’s just calories x

@CoffeeCappucino Haven't tried vitamins but I think I will try to introduce them to him, then at least I know he will be getting what he is missing from having a proper diet. He has a cup of milk every night which he enjoys.

@clkim PECS is good and really easy to teach yourself at home too!
Do you have access to a printer? You could just take photos of the things he needs / wants / likes and print them off (don’t have to laminate them but you could. Keep them in a file for him or anywhere easily accessible for him.
To start with, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t follow PECS accurately, even if he is just able to pass you the photo to indicate he wants / needs the thing on that photo would be a huge help.

You could have described my toddler in your OP, except for the fact my husband wouldn’t be in bed leaving me to it. Food battles with toddlers are SO HARD. If you think about it, the minute your baby is born your primary role (breastfeeding or otherwise) is to feed them. There is external pressure from HVs etc to make sure they are fed well. Naturally this moves into toddlerhood and from my own experience it feels like it’s still my number one priority as a parent, even though by this age there is so much more to parenting than feeding. I guess what I’m saying is we are almost hardwired to overthink the food thing. So relax for today and take a breath. Give him whatever safe food you need to.

You need support. Why is your partner not there for you?

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time, OP .

For the moment, I would take the pressure right off both of you. Put some different foods out on a plate somewhere accessible to him and let him pick at them. Some crisps, cheese, plain pasta, bread, rice, pitta slices, carrot and cucumber sticks, sweetcorn, a few broccoli pieces, some ham or chicken bits, cut up fruit. That sort of thing. Offer 5-6 different options and just leave him to it.

Will he eat porridge? I fill my DC up with porridge or some plain toast if they've picked at dinner so they sleep well. But nothing more exciting than that.

I'm really pissed off at my partner. He sloped off upstairs as he said he was feeling tired then subsequently fell asleep for 2 hours. Left me to deal with the tantrum when I was literally in tears. Shouted at him to get up and he didn't. I don't even know why I'm with somebody who is so unsupportive but I guess that's whole other issue in itself and I just don't have the energy to deal with at the moment.