My dad is acting strangely and I'm worried

[Squiff70]

My parents live in another European country from us and so we didn't see them for about 20 months due to covid, lockdowns etc.

Here's a timeline of events:

November 2019 (just before everything kicked off with Covid) my twins were born extremely prematurely (4 months early). Our son sadly passed away when he was 4 days old and my parents came over to see our daughter, who was extremely tiny and in NICU) when she was about a week old. My mum said very little. I assumed she was in shock and didn't know how to grieve for her little grandson who she never got to meet as my parents arrived two days after he died. My dad on the other hand was smitten as soon as he laid eyes on our daughter. You could see the love in his eyes.

My daughter spent the first 8 months of her life in hospital, 5 of them battling for survival in NICU and another 3 on a children's ward. All of this was through Covid and lockdowns.

Fast forward to last August, 2021. Our little girl was doing well. At home, just off oxygen and no longer fed by tube. She was still very little and vulnerable, only just learning to crawl. My parents came to stay with us and ended up staying for a month. My mum became ill whilst they were here but that's another story. One day, my daughter was sitting next to my dad on the sofa. He'd been holding her but popped her to the side of him. He picked up his phone when he got a notification, and within a few seconds, he'd clearly forgotten our daughter was there. She leaned forwards and consequently toppled off the sofa, landing on her face on the floor. My partner and I rushed to pick her up and made sure she wasn't hurt. She whimpered for a few seconds but thankfully wasn't injured. My dad BARELY acknowledged what had just happened. I stood staring at him in disbelief but he carried on doing whatever on his phone. He wasn't shocked nor sympathetic to his little granddaughter and seemed totally unphased. We didn't trust him alone with her after that.

Skip a few months. My parents returned to their home in September and my mum's illness progressed, leading her to be admitted to hospital on a neurological ward for at least 2-3 weeks. My dad really struggled and it was clear from video calls with him that something wasn't right.

After Christmas, I video called my dad one day. He answered but was lying on his bed, eyes closed, spaced out and barely coherent. It transpired that there was a problem with their house which could have been potentially serious. He said it may cost them £30k to £100k to put right. Terrified they were going to lose their savings and their home, my dad admitted he felt he was having a breakdown and had been prescribed tranquillisers by his GP. I asked how he'd gone from thinking it would cost 30k to 100k as there was a MASSIVE difference between the two. He didn't know. He'd plucked both figures out of thin air. I tried my best to be supportive but pointed out - firmly - that my mum wasn't well enough to manage her own illness as well as look after their house, garden AND him. Whilst being sympathetic and reassuring, I told him he had to get a handle on things before they got worse.

The problem with the house was consequently diagnosed and fixed and didn't cost anything close to what he'd feared. His mood improved instantly from that point on.

I realise this is already very long but lots of much smaller things have happened too which make me think something is wrong with my dad but I can't quite put my finger on what my concern is. I think what I'm driving at is that my dad, who is 70, may be displaying signs of dementia but it seems almost intermittent and ranging in severity.

I've no idea what's going on. My mum's health is continuing to deteriorate due to a neurological condition and its clearly affecting my dad in that he's so worried but won't admit to it.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and only told them 2 weeks ago. They both seemed happy. The other day we had our 20 week scan and found out we're expecting a little boy. My parents wanted to know so we told them over video call. No response whatsoever from my mum. My dad went quiet for a few seconds before saying "nice, one of each" before changing the subject instantly to his garden.

I'm so confused by what's happening. I can't raise my concerns with them. My mum is too unwell and doesn't need any additional stress and my dad is living in his own little bubble which nothing and nobody can seem to penetrate. If the conversation isn't about his house or garden then pretty much it doesn't interest him.

He never used to be like this.

I'm so sorry this is so long but thank you for reading! If anyone has any advice or suggestions I'd be very grateful.

How old is he? A good few years before my mother was diagnosed with dementia she acted very strangely on a number of occasions - totally out of character and just weird. He might benefit from a test for early signs.

@gingerhills

How old is he? A good few years before my mother was diagnosed with dementia she acted very strangely on a number of occasions - totally out of character and just weird. He might benefit from a test for early signs.

He's 70. I have no idea how I might approach this with him without causing offense or worry but I do feel he needs to be assessed.

A good friend of mines Father had similar behaviour. Odd around money, poor risk assessment and distant behaviour. Was subsequently diagnosed with a form of frontal lobe dementia. He made some terrible financial decisions in the years before his behaviour triggered getting seen by a doctor.
I think you are right to be concerned. Your Mum may well have noticed and be aware of this already but not spoken with you about it. Is a conversation with her possible? Ask if she has any concerns because Dad doesn't seem like himself. You don't have to go in heavily at this stage.

Is it normal for your Mum to not show much interest in your DC or children in general or your life in general, or is that new too?

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's dad. It must be so hard. I'm thinking I'm going to have to speak to my mum alone on one of her better days but she doesn't have many and my dad is almost always with her.

@Pegasushaswings

Is it normal for your Mum to not show much interest in your DC or children in general or your life in general, or is that new too?

No it's not normal. My mum is very ill though and I think that's taking up all her emotional and physical energy at the moment.

My dad has vascular dementia. It was a sudden onset for him, only 18 months ago he was okay and was living alone, totally normal.

He’s now in a care home as he needs 24 hour supervision.

His behaviour changed rapidly over those 18 months, many of your examples hit home.

Congratulations on your coming baby and I’m sorry for your previous loss. NICU life is very stressful so remember you’ve had a few tough years.
My friend’s dad was a bit similar—- his form of dementia was never diagnosed but he’d seem disinterested in people or say inappropriate things ( eg he was really old school polite but when I was asked to join in a FaceTime chat and was answering a question from his wife he held up his hand making the “ talk” motion and said yak, yak, yak—- very unlike him.)
The jumping to conclusion ( repair cost of the house) I also saw in a neighbour with early dementia.
At a distance there’s not much you can do except encourage your father to go for an assessment, if he will. Does your mum have access to assistance for care?

My Dad is a bit like this.

He is 80, but has been like this for at least a decade. Takes a reasonable interest in our lives, but has no filter whatsoever and will say the most outrageously inappropriate things. He has forgotten how the world works (if that makes sense). For eg. he used to be a car salesman and was really good at it. When we sold his car recently, it did not have a full service history, so he told me to just tell the garage that it does. He should know that isn't how it works. It sounds like a small thing, but my Dad should know that. He also thought my kettle was a tea pot. We were eating out, and he liked the glass his drink was in, so he asked the waiter if he could keep it. Oh and last year, he was eating something and one of his teeth came loose. He started rifling through a drawer and came out with a hammer "to knock it back in to place".

I know quite a few people in their 70's that take no interest in children or grandchildren, and turn every conversation around back to themselves - I have heard that this is very common.

As a PP says, Squiff, half of what you say is really normal. It's like their world gets small and they forget things that aren't immediately relevant- like how to keep a baby safe.

The other things- when DM is very stressed, she makes no sense at all. Incoherent sentences. Segueing randomly without ever finishing a point.

Whether she'll eventually get dementia, and this is an early marker, I don't know. She does recover though.

There is a limit to what you can do. Even if you lived in the same town, there would be limits to your ability to intervene.
Mine were very stubborn about what they would, or wouldn't consider or listen to. They can seem very irrational while still having full capacity.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. for the tough years you have had.

Thank you all for your honest and emotive replies and I'm sorry I haven't had chance to return to this thread until now (a combination of a busy weekend, my little girl deciding to take her first ever independent steps last night and just me not having the headspace for this comversation).

I understand and take on board everything you have all said and I'm so sorry to those who've been through similar and worse with their own parents and family members. I agree it seems like my dad may be in the early stages of dementia but there's little I can do to intervene really. I recently spoke to my auntie (my mum's SIL) and asked her opinion. She thinks the same as me about my dad but asked me to speak to my other auntie (my mum's sister) as she will know the best, most gentle and diplomatic way to put this concern to my parents, hopefully without causing too much stress or upset. I'll try and speak to her later this week when I have a little more time.

Thanks also for your kind words regarding our NICU journey and this pregnancy. It just reiterates to me, yet again, that MN is not always the 'nest of vipers' it has the reputation to be. So many people are incredibly supportive of other women (and men!) who they've never met but still happy to reach out to support them. Thank you!

Could it be that your mum has been sort of compensating for him. And it's become obvious that their is an issue, now that she is no longer able to do so?

Congratulations on the first steps!

Could be old age and senility
Could be worse
Could be stress - if he’s handling a sick wife and multiple other problems.
My dm went for testing due to forgetfulness- it turned out the 60 hour weeks while looking after 3dc and elderly parents were the root cause and 25 years later she is still alive and perfectly capable.

In short, try to get him to the doctor OP. We can’t diagnose him

So sorry. Could be depression - can mimick dementia sometimes. Hope you get to the bottom of it x

@Toddlerteaplease

Could it be that your mum has been sort of compensating for him. And it's become obvious that their is an issue, now that she is no longer able to do so?

This was what I was thinking too given that her illness has coincided with his odd behaviour. The stress of her illness probably doesn't help either.

@Toddlerteaplease

Could it be that your mum has been sort of compensating for him. And it's become obvious that their is an issue, now that she is no longer able to do so?

I understand what you're saying, and I just don't know although it's a possibility. When my parents came to stay with us last August, my mum was literally JUST starting to get ill. She went downhill very rapidly and consequently was admitted to a neuro ward on their return home and diagnosed with myesthenia gravis. I don't think any potential illness my dad may have has triggered this condition but it may have added to it. I eventually told my mum what had happened with dad not being bothered when our baby fell off the sofa and onto her face (mum wasn't in the same room when it happened). He basically shrugged it off and turned his attention back to his phone within seconds. Mum seemed genuinely quite surprised but I think she knows and suspects something isn't right but either doesn't want to face it or is in denial that it could be something serious or long-term. I don't doubt that stress worsens her own health condition though so I have to tread very carefully.

It's very, VERY unhelpful for somebody to say "get your dad to a GP, we can't diagnose him". For a start, my parents live in a different country, about 900 miles from us. Even if I was with them now, I couldn't physically restrain my father and drag him to a doctor (nor would I, even if that were possible). I was not looking for strangers on an Internet forum to diagnose my dad with anything - I'm really not that stupid or ignorant. I know that if there's a diagnosis or assessment to be made, it needs to be face to face with a qualified healthcare professional. Seeking any form of diagnosis, even for yourself, on the Internet is very dangerous. I posted here as a sounding board and to see if others have had similar experience. Pretty much what sites like MN are for.

Hi, my father is acting the same. Did you find out the cause?

My parents live in another European country from us

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. (Congratulations on your pregnancy).

I had this too. Single mum, working, child at high school and parents in a different country with mum with dementia and dad with cancer......

It is SO difficult. I had times I had to drop everything to fly out and back in 4 days. I know you cannot, with a baby and one on the way.

Just wanted to express my solidarity. Do you have any contact numbers for friends where they live? A big ask on them I know.